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'A regular day in my childhood' - Common app

ekreal 6 / 35  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
My common app essay prompt 1 or topic of choice?

It is 750 words long, so it needs to be shortened drastically, but I can't do it, I need some help and advice. Please let me know what you think about it, I have no idea if it's good or not! I am International so I could need some help grammatically! I promise to return the favor please help!!

A regular day in my childhood

11.46 PM the clock said. I was lying in my mother's bed with my 6-year-old brother next to me. He was deeply asleep, far away in dreamland. It felt as if I was completely alone. The only sound in the house was the branches screeching against the window. I could feel the smooth and freezing cold wind sneaking in by the edges of the window, striking my face. I knew I was supposed to be asleep; my mother had left almost an hour ago. But who cared anyway, no one was there to see that I was awake.

Even though I was only 12-years-old I was not scared of being alone at night. I had gotten used to it over the years. I knew my mother had to work in order to provide for us. And having a babysitter over night, was way to expensive.

In the morning I woke up the minute my alarm clock starting ringing. It was time to get up and get ready for another day of school and chores. My brother did not seem to care for the buzzing alarm clock; he was still fastened to sleep. I went on to pick out clothes for the both of us, got dressed and went downstairs to start on breakfast before waking up my brother.

He was not happy when I woke him up. "I am tired! I want to stay in bed!" "I want mommy to take me the school!" he would scream at me, but then quietly follow me downstairs because he knew he had to. We watched cartoons until we had to put on huge amounts of winter garments and drive to school on our bikes. Just as I had finished dressing the both of us, my mother walked in the door. Smiling with freezing cold red cheeks "Hello my lovely children, are you guys ready for school?" she said.

I could see how exhausted she was. My mother was a home nurse driving around at night taking care of the older people who needed help during the night. They had cut down on nurses and the amount of work the remaining nurses had to do, including my mother, was almost unbearable. "I'll take him to school", I said. I knew that would make her happy.

My mother was still asleep when we came home from school. My brother quietly went on to play with his toys while watching TV. It was almost 2:30; my mother would probably wake up in an hour or so, leaving me just enough time to clean the house. I knew how she loved it when the house was clean as she woke up. And it also might help on the conversation I wanted to have later that day.

"Mom, I know you have to work this weekend, but I was really hoping I could go to this sleepover Mie is having at her house?" I started out. "I am sorry sweety, but I really need you to stay home and look after your brother. Money is tight right now, I can't afford a babysitter." "But mom I really want to go, everyone else is going and I NEVER get to go!" "Laerke, I am sorry, but I need you to stay home". "I am so sick of this, I am never allowed to go anywhere! And I do everything in this house". I screamed as I tumbled up the stairs making as much noise as humanly possible.

This was so unfair. I really did everything for her and she was just sleeping all day. After a little time sobbing in my room I realized I wasn't being completely fair and I went downstairs to apologize and accepted the fact that I had to stay home.

Even though my childhood at times seemed though and difficult I have learned so much from it. It has truly formed and taught me a lot about how to prioritize things in life. And I now realize how hard my mother worked to provide for us and how hard it most have been for her letting us stay at home by ourselves at night, and having to force me to stay home and not go have fun with my friends. I appreciate everything my mother has done for my siblings and me. My childhood-situation has taught me to be helpful, self-reliant, responsible and generous. It has made me ambiguous and given me the need to succeed in life.
luvicemocha 2 / 20  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
I like the essay but I agree Zhoe kelly I think you expend too much time describing your chilhool day... maybe go right to what happens when you get home.. and add that our mom works all at night.. and then go to explain the things that this though you farther.. but I'm not sure is up to you.. I am just trying to find creative ways to cut it down.. good luck and thanks for looking at mine :)
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #3

Yes it has potential. Everything does. haha.
You show by giving example/anecdotes. For example, responsibility - you could talk about a club you head, generous - you could talk about joining a service organization, self-reliant - you could take about anything you've organized or something you've have to take care of without your mom's help or whatnot.

Explaining/describing experiences like that will show and not tell.

No problem.
luvicemocha 2 / 20  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
I think you should find a way to combine the first two paragraphs.. I do think it has potentioal.. don't give up
luvicemocha 2 / 20  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
Well I like it and I think you will be okay with the 100 words extra.. is not too many.. and you have cut a lot!!

could you please go back and check mine.. I made some changes too
22kcox 5 / 22  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
your essay is very well written but its a narrative which is only bad when your writing essays, you want the admissions officers to see you! talk about yourself and describe how your childhood made you that way and changed you for the better. we need maybe an example of what kind of person you are today because of it.
OP ekreal 6 / 35  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
Thank you all, I am working now for a couple of hours, but I'll look at it later! I will take a look at yours as well!
sibylisaprophet 2 / 7  
Jan 1, 2012   #8
After a little time sobbing in my room I realized I wasn't being completely fair and I went downstairs to apologize.

sorry for the delay, maybe you have submitted and maybe not...I think it's very touching and sensible. I love the gentle flow of language~

yet I think perhaps you can reflect more on the part that I quoted...I know it's easy to understand why you "realized"and"apologize", but the process of realization is kinda of the thing people want to read. Add something touching and thoughtful, tell more about the change of your emotions. Great potential~
OP ekreal 6 / 35  
Jan 1, 2012   #9
Not yet, thank you so much, I'll try to rewrite a little now!

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