Got rejected by UMD; TRANSFER to U Maryland College Park-Civil Eng

An essay describing your past academic experiences and your reasons for wishing to transfer to Maryland at this point in your academic career is required. Students who have been out of school for several years, or who have a personal circumstance that affected their academic performance, may wish to address that situation in their essay. Your essay should be no more than 300 words.

Twelve years ago on a rainy day, I began to wonder about my future career. I began to gaze at the ceiling. I only wanted to become one thing a engineer, to make the world a better place. Since kindergarden my mother emphasized higher education. I am the older of two siblings, and my mother told me to set an example for my other two siblings. University of Maryland has been my dream school for me since I was a child. Attending UMD will mean the world to me because I can pave my future, by getting into one of the best universities in the nation. I attended high school at Springbrook High School, and a very active student. I was never the most athletic nor talented student, but I did not use that as an excuse to not engage in extracurricular activities. Throughout my high school years I was a part of the spanish club, french club, forensics club, participated in fundraisers, and I also tutored students taking spanish. In my senior year of high school I only applied to two schools my dream school UMD and Montgomery College a secure back-up. When I got rejected from UMD I did not feel discouraged, I felt as if I had something to prove; being a successful academic student. I began attending Montgomery College in the fall of 2009 preparing myself for the opportunity to once again apply to UMD. I feel my future is very promising, and my academic journey is getting brighter. I can now be a successful academic student, and at the same time engage in extracurricular activities. I have accumulated a GPA of 3.09 and is improving significantly with 32 total credits. I have many reasons for transferring to Maryland. FIrst being it is close to home, and so I can take care of my mother and sister. Second, UMD is ranked being it has one of the most competitive programs in the nation. According to The 2010 U.S. News & World Report survey of undergraduate engineering programs ranks the Clark School 23rd in the nation. Once admitted to UMD, I plan to the apply to James A. Clark School Of Engineering and get a bachelors degree in Civil Engineering. My final reason for attending UMD is to give back to the university, and leave it a better place before I arrived their and leave my imprint.

" I began to wonder about my future career. I began to gaze at the ceiling. I only wanted to become one thing a engineer,"

When I read the first sentence, I thought you didn't know what you want to be, then all the sudden you are so decided that you want to be an engineer! I would work on this sentence.

I like your essay format, but Two things you need to work on
First: Your vocabulary, some words are repeated
Second: your reasoning for transferring are too short. Expand them a little
explain them more.
I think I have the same problem with mine. but i don't know how to fix it
Please read mine and let me know what you think!!!

Best of luck,

Thanks for the feedback. I am over the limit in word count by about 90 words, but have no idea how to shorten it. What do you think I should reduce? What else should I talk about in reasons for transferring? I would be glad to look at your essay.

I think the most important thing is to always describe a well developed plan with a lot of goals, deadlines, and details. That is what I often tell people. That is what makes the AO reader stop a moment and say, Oh, this kid really is inspirational with his ambition and determination!

I began to gaze at the ceiling. I only wanted to become one thing: an engineer. I wanted to make the world a better place.---I made a small adjustment here.

Capitalize Spanish.

Try to use paragraphs so that the reader can understand each of your ideas easily.

Here are some sentences that can be cut if you still need to cut some:
Since kindergarden my mother emphasized higher education. I am the older of two siblings, and my mother told me to set an example for my other two siblings. University of Maryland has been my dream school for me since I was a child. Attending UMD will mean the world to me because I can pave my future, by getting into one of the best universities in the nation. I attended high school at Springbrook High School, and a very active student. This content is good, too, but if anything needs to be cut I think this stuff is expendable.

:-)

Thank you very much for your time.