Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Would you mind critiquing my essay. Thanks you!
I was born under Islam; I continue to follow Islam; I will always follow Islam. The former part of the pervious sentence was more so a forced acceptance of a belief which I till this day adhere to, however the latter parts of evolved out of curiosity which began as signs of adolescence appeared. At the same time, the Muslim community was being looked down upon and as a result, such rejections engendered an inquisitive mind seeking to discover the reasons for such actions. Thus the period of my forced acceptance gradually came to an end and the belief in a higher being would cement itself in my precarious soul; lingering to find a faith to adhere to. I would soon become more involved in the community, seeking acceptance from whichever corner it may originate from. My education in terms of discovering Islam began and applications of such learning would take place in the forms of the five daily prayers to fasting during the prescribed months. Although I felt as though most aspects of my religious duty were fulfilled, I lacked one of the majors decrees: Charity work.
I integrated Islamic teachings into everyday takes from leaving school, reciting beneficial sayings, to working at my father's store handling customers with patience and friendliness. As the store was forced to close down, I began to thrust myself into the cause of helping others gain an insight into Islam and clear its prevalent misconceptions. In terms of my charity work, I became the president of Muslim Youth Group of the Antelope Valley. This group was dedicated to conveying Islam with clarity while moving the young in striving to become better citizens. My zealot nature in assisting others would rise from this opportunity and helping kids learn a sport to reciting prayers would become weekly rituals. Partaking in the Muslim Youth Group not only allowed me to grow as an individual but molded my strong beliefs in helping others supplant themselves within a community so that may vocalize their interests which in turn represent the interests of the masses who chose to say mute.
As leader of the Youth Group, I had the chance to meet a renowned public speaker in Abdul Majeed Askia, a converted Muslim to expressed his gratitude and urged members of the group to continue in the right path. Mr. Askia, in a talk with the group members compared the modern day Muslim to a slave (as his grandfather had been), scared to express the right beliefs which have been hidden as a result of the few extremists who seek to fulfill their political agendas and suppress the larger Muslim community . It was during the course of that week that I truly realized what it means to be a Muslim in America; free to utilize all resources in order to convey a message which you believe to be just and true.
Hopefully as I continue to develop I can continue to clear the minds of the few misguided people through spreading true facts about the religion itself. Religion is an integral part of my life and spreading its right messages through the right means has allowed me to feel a sense of accomplishment.
"The latter parts of evolved out of curiosity..."
Change to" The latter parts have evolved out of curiosity...
I love the message that you are spreading with this essay and good luck with admissions!
Thanks for the advice "hopefull4"
The former part of the previous sentence was more so a forced acceptance of a belief which I till this day adhere to; however the latter parts of evolved out of curiosity which began as signs of adolescence appeared. ---- this needs more explanation. What evolved out of curiosity?
...public speaker in Abdul Majeed Askia, a converted Muslim, to express his gratitude and urge members of the group to continue in the right path. Mr. Askia, in a talk with the group members compared the modern day Muslim to a slave (as his grandfather had been), ---- oh, wait a minute, I see how this sentence is supposed to be. Just change "in" to "when"
This part is really a big part of your personal theme for the work you do. Therefore, it would make a great theme for the essay:
...scared to express the right beliefs which have been hidden as a result of the few extremists who seek to fulfill their political agendas and suppress the larger Muslim community .--- and you want to help spread awareness and facilitate people's healing, understanding, and spiritual growth. That is a great theme that I think you should introduce at the start of the essay. I would like to see the essay begin with a sentence that expresses this intention, so that the essay has the same theme as this work you do.
:-)
