Could any of you help me on correcting grammar error and improving my essay in general, I wonder whether the first paragraph is necessary. And where I can be more specific? Thank you so much, I will read your essays in return
Prompt ：
When choosing a college community, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. We know that there are more than 100 reasons to choose Wellesley, but it's a good place to start. Visit the Wellesley 100 (wellesley.edu/admission/100) and select one or two items that attract, inspire, or energize you. Have fun with this and use this opportunity to reflect personally on what items appeal to you most and why.
I picked liberal art and science and campus
I still remember my excitement for learning the visual illusions in a summer camp that provided me an insight into liberal art education experience. With learning cells and visual defaults, I realized how all the art principles that I truly appreciate are just summarization of ways that our fascinatingly designed brain functions. Rather than taking away the magic of visual art, the study neurobiology behind illusions, the subject I had never imagined taking, created an unexpected link between art and biology and constantly reminded me the wonder of nature whenever I applied any of my art principles.
Wellesley intrigues me with the opportunity of pursuing my majors, art and sociology, taking unfamiliar course and seeking the connection within different disciplines. Trying courses as diverse as theater study and astronomy provide me chances to fully discover my potential, to step out of comfort zone, and to challenge and thus to fresh my thoughts and perspectives. My desire to campaign for young artists and visual art in general prompt me to learn more not only about art itself, but also about other area that I can understand the world more comprehensively and uncover beauty lied in the world in a more creative manner.
Besides looking for interdisciplinary connection in Wellesley, I dreamed to be part of the diverse but warm community and to thrive with the opportunities provided on the beautiful campus of Wellesley. Walking through the campus with residence building and studying hall named after great women, I am energized with irresistible urge of pursuing my dream. Similar to women in workplace, the power of fine art is undervalued while most people hold back for art, even when they are not aware of, only because of the discouraging general social trend. I am eager to observe and learn about the culture of Wellesley and to bring characteristics of it outside of Wellesley to young artists deserve more opportunities. Despite the excitement of learning, I sometimes need relax from dedicating in rigorous courses extracurricular activities. Therefore I will take my paints and sketch book to Lake Day and to greenhouse or I will volunteer in EL Table or in Hoop, feeling my stress fade as I expose to nature and to the warm smile of other Wellesley students. Meeting and working with a diverse student body also provide me exploration into art and social science on daily bases as it create an ideal environment for seeking pattern from the apparent difference, for developing leadership in various situations, and for getting inspired by great minds.
I picked liberal art and science and campus
i suggest you to put commas to separate several points instead of using 'and'
Besides looking for interdisciplinary connection in Wellesley, I dreamed to be part
when you put beside( without 's' you can put some words after 'beside' and before comma, but when you put 'besides',you should directly put comma after this word.
I sometimes need relax from dedicating in rigorous
need and relax are verbs, better you replace 'relax' with 'relaxation'
