'I want to be remembered' - NYU SUPS

PROMT: Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

I need to cut it to 1500 characters and this is way too long :(

I want to be remembered. I have always wanted my future occupation to be not only beneficial to society but also impactful to the world. Growing up in New York City, the financial capital of the world, I realize how critically the economy can affect everyday life. In the last few years, I noticed that a lot of people became unemployed. Sleeping during the subway commute on the way to school became impossible. It was bound to be disturbed by homeless people asking for help. At first I was annoyed and I did not understand why they were asking for help on the subway instead of looking for a job. They looked capable enough to me. So, I did not pay much attention to their speeches.

The breaking down of a willing and capable worker changed my opinion. It was another ordinary weekday when a tanned and muscular man boarded the subway. He wore a Yankees cap, black baggy jeans, and a wrinkled shirt that was tainted by different shades of paint flakes. Standing at least 6 feet tall, this man's presence demanded respect. He grabbed the bar to avoid falling as the train burst into motion. His head turned left and right as if he was confused. After moments of hesitation, he took off his cap, covered his mouth and cleared his throat. No response. He licked his upper lip and did it louder again. This time, the rest of the train looked up. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking for the right words. At last, in a loud and polite voice, he explained he was fired from the construction site and he can't afford food for his 2 year-old child. He asked for help and stated that both change and food would be greatly appreciated. He let go of the grip of the bar, leaving a wet handprint, and staggered across the train. As he approached, the passengers looked away and pretended to sleep. Halfway across the train, his cap remained empty. He cried. He looked up to stop the tears from escaping his eyes. He remained still until the train reached the next stop, then he ran out.

In this dreadful economy, people cannot afford daily necessities not because they are lazy but they simply cannot find a job. There will be will economic policies. I want to be part of that pivotal point of American economy. I want to contribute to that change.

It's an excellent. even I can't understand where to cut. :( But I think you can narrow down the introduction just a little bit.

man this is way over 1500 characters

You could try to take out some of the story about how the man cleared his throat twice and other extraneous facts. I don't think it's supposed to be much of a story, but more of a reflection. I'll give it to you though, it is extremely moving and you don't need much of a reflection to get your point across in this particular story.

I think you can definitely take a chunk out of the story, but even then, this is still too long. Although this is a good essay, my only concern is that it doesn't really focus that much on why NYU will help you reach your goals. Remember, though this is a chance to tell a story/experience that can't be shown elsewhere on your application, you need to focus on answering the prompt more. Good luck!

Try to tie your response to more NYU specifically. It seems as if this could apply to any school.

For the Why NYU?, I don't think you adequately answered it well. You didn't tell why you like the university and how it appealed to you. In fact you only address the university because it's in New York City. You might want to revise that.

For the second essay, you still didn't answer the question. I know why you like the field, but explain how you'll utilize NYU to further your interest.

For the third essay, you don't present yourself as a strong person, but someone with fragile confidence. You might want to change how you show yourself.

I hope my advice helps. Can you give my Princeton Summer essay a read?

I really think you should look back at the questions and incorporate them into your answer considering that in the first two you don't really answer them. Hope this helps!

Why NYU:
You talk a lot about the economy and how you want to change it, BUT you didn't talk about NYU, the school. I feel like you save economy for the second prompt because that's what the prompt asks for: your academic interest. For this prompt, you should talk more about the school. You can mention briefly that you feel NYU's strong economy program will provide you with topnotch education, but overall, just focus on NYU! Do you want to go there because it's in the city? Or because the school is very diverse? Or because there are a lot of activities?

Academic Interest:
Good experience, it really reaches out to reader. But now, you have to answer the rest of the prompt! From reading this, I can only INFER that you want to study something that will help people like him. But I need you write it directly in the essay so that the reader doesn't have to infer. Mention your love for economy. Mention how you want to contribute to the change. Basically incorporate what you wrote for the "why NYU" prompt into this one. And don't forget to mention how NYU specifically will help you pursue your dream.

What intrigues you:
I'm guessing that your main point is that you are interested in nutritional science. I was thrown off by the Steve Jobs part and the talking about lawyers and something. Either completely cut out the Steve Jobs quote or find a better way to relate it to nutritional science. Also I'd suggest taking out "Hearing many of my peers are aspired to become lawyers and doctors, I am reminded of my own goal. They have chosen to take courses that would help in their respective future occupation.". Just start immediately by talking about your love for nutritional science. What interests you about it?

Good luck!

NYU supps are due tomorrow January 1st at 11:59 Eastern Standard Time.