'Repairing the Local Area Network' - University of Texas at Austin SOP 2013

Hi,

My name is Baleine, I am currently a United States Soldier and I am applying to the University of Texas at Austin. It has been over four years since I have written any type of collegiate paper, needless to say I am very rusty. I would appreciate any help I can get. Enclosed below is what I have completed of my Statement of Purpose Essay. Thank you very much.

Essay a - Statement of Purpose

LAN Job and Dream College

I stood there entranced as the shiny metal disks whirled to life. The futuristic noises of a hard-drive starting up captivated my seven year old mind. The sheer amazement that something like that could even exist drew me into the world of computers. It was during my enlistment in the army, that I began to choose my career path. Having dealt with a wide spectrum of computer users, from technological geniuses to those who barely operate their emails, I had one mission to uphold, see that their needs are met; whether it be repairing the Local Area Network cable or ensuring that the IT department grants clients access to company network. My experiences in the military have led to my decision to major in Management Information Systems at the University of Texas.

After spending many summers in Austin and sporting Longhorn t-shirts since I was middle school, I can not imagine attending any other college. Sadly, after middle school I moved to California and when it came time to apply to college I chose an affordable in-state college because growing up in low-income family, the thought of debt scared me to death. Now in my mid-twenties, I will no longer allow debt to stop me from attending the college of my dreams. Life has shown me that second chances are hard to come by and when you are given the chance, take it.

when it came time to apply to college
I think it's more correct to say IT CAME THE TIME
Furthermore, while I understand that you have stated your background clearly, you have not give the board of admission the answer why they want to accept you. Be more specific about your personality and what would you contribute to the university community.

Thanks I will add those to my essays. Thank you