For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. If you are currently undecided, please write about any field or fields in which you may have an interest at this time.
Silence was deafening. The only sound that we could hear was of the ceiling fan. As the judges walk up the stage, I grabbed my heart with fear and excitement. I waited anxiously for the results of my 8th grade science fair, reflecting upon all the inexorable effort that I went through in making my model of an electromagnet. My fellow science mate, taps on my shoulder and said "We are definitely winning this".
The judges announced the results. "3rd prize, project volcano". "2nd prize, project RC car". After a brief pause. "Finally, 1st prize, project high way bridge. As we welcomed and applauded the winners, my science group looked down in disappointment. Surprised and perplexed, I think to myself, "why did I fail despite my hardwork and dedication towards my project?"
Ironically, instead of being disappointed, I became increasingly curious to why the others won. Then I examined the first prize winner's project on versatile high way bridge. The physics behind the structure, fascinated me and fueled my curiosity as I began to ask questions. The rest of my day went by looking at and being fascinated by all the other projects.
As I left school, I felt quite content with the realization that science is not what you put in it but what you get out of it. As I was walking, my mother calls me and asks me if I won. I replied, "No, but I learned a great deal".
rezwan3
nice, are you sure you arent applying to columbia engineering? btw it seems a bit short...
This needs much more detail. Also, I think that you need to write more about why you're interested in engineering; this is much too brief and doesn't give much thought to the purpose of the supplement.
I am not interested in engineering. And its 1500 characters. So its supposed to be short lol
Hey, another lovely essay!
1. I think the length is not really an issue, but more the lasting impression of the essay. Perhaps you should use more vivid language to create that memorable effect.
2. "Upon all the..." Remove the "all" its not necessary.
3. "Effort I went through". Should read "the inexorable effort I devoted into assembling a model of an electro..." I also removed the "my", because your very next sentence begins with MY.
4. "Taps on...said"
Tense! "Taps" is present tense, yet "said" is past tense. And there must also be a comma after the "said" because you open dialogue.
5. You forget to insert quotation marks after the word "bridge" (probably just a typing error and I'm being too ridiculous,lol)
6. "My science group..."
Try: "my crestfallen science group and I, plummeted our heads in disappointment"
7. "I THINK to myself"
You jump from past to present tense. Should be "I thought" or try, "I cogitated to myself..."
8. "Toward my project"
I think this is not necessary to mention and the sentence could possibly sound better without it.
9. "Instead of being disappointed"
You need to convey how some part of you felt disappointed or else you risk looking as if the entire science fair didn't mean much to you.
So try, "instead of being too consumed in disappointment"
10. "The rest of MY day"
How about, "the rest of THE day". There is an overuse of the word "my" in this essay, which some stuck up old person might see as a lack of good vocabulary.
11. "Looking at.."
No! Try, "went by observing/investigating/probing into..."
12. You use "fascinate" twice in one paragraph. This is no train smash, but the person reading your application might be a weirdo that gets bugged by this. So how about, "...being intrigued/enthralled/captivated by all the other projects"
13. "As I was walking" this is Past tense
But " my mother CaLLS me and ASKS" and now you slide into the present tense?
14. Just a suggestion for y our conclusion : "...but what you get out of it. Thus, altering my approach to the enhancement of erudition. As we left, my mother asked if I had won. With no hint of regret, I replied,..."
I enjoyed your essay nonetheless and I would suggest you get a english teacher to quickly read through it.
Good but try to shorten the narrative and talk about your actual aspirations.
