I was represening both my beliefs and people; TRANSFER- Letter of Motivation

Please expand on the personal essay you wrote for the Common Application and provide a statement about your motivation for applying to "X College". Be sure to include relevant details about your life experiences (including reasons for any interruption in your education), intellectual interests, and long-term plans.

What draws me to "X College" is the importance it places on the development of leadership skills. Women are inspired, motivated, and encouraged to be the best that they can be and that is an environment that I look for.

During the fall semester I made a decision to withdraw from my classes in order to pursue something that I felt strongly for. I joined the Organizing for America, grassroots campaign to re-elect President Obama as a DFO. This election was very important to me because it hit very close to home. I was not only representing my beliefs but I was also representing the people that have made an impact in my life. I was representing my mom who came to America from Haiti, to find the American dream of prosperity, and is still fighting to this very day for that dream. I represent my childhood friend who was with me throughout all of secondary(don't know if that is the right word) school years but could not go to college or vote for the very nation that he stood for every morning and pledged the allegiance to, because he was an undocumented. I represented the young boys who never had a chance of life beyond the walls of their ghetto, that are treated like second-class citizens and believe they don't have the power to vote. This election wasn't just about me; it was about representing the voices that could not be heard. This was about having the ability to change lives. My time on the campaign has only instilled in me, that one person can make a difference. One person has the ability to create change that can cause a pathway for others to walk and there is no excuse for silence.

When it came time for me to browse through colleges, having a strong academic program wasn't at the top of my priorities. The reason I say this because any college could meet that criteria.(don't know if I should include it or not) My main goal was to find a college that had students who were passionate about making a difference in their community. I wanted a school that provided that outlet and encouraged its students to be the person who can create change. That's where I found "X College". It not only met my criteria, but most importantly I noticed the importance they placed on the education of leadership and globalization. It informed its students that there is more out there then what is here before and as a woman, nothing could stop us from creating change. Every last one of us has that ability and "X College" acts as that catalyst. This is a college that is thriving with extraordinary women who want to make an impact in their community. I knew then this was a place that I would be able to thrive in; this is a place that will allow me to continue to build upon my leadership and be someone great. Learning goes beyond the textbook. It's about being open-minded and being able to learn outside of the box and "X College" understands that. (I feel that maybe the ending is a little weak...what do you guys think?)

I feel like there are some parts that are strong but other parts that need revising, I would appreciate all the help that I can get. The deadline is today/tomorrow(March 1). I know its last minute, but better late then never.

Secondary represents high school years, is that what you're trying to say?


I'm not sure if you should say this. Strong academics SHOULD be important to you, but I understand that you're trying to convey you were looking for something much deeper than just the average college priorities. Maybe try and reword it?


I think you really need to point out the SPECIFICS. This paragraph is very broad, as it says a lot of important things to you like leadership, globalization, and extraordinary women-- but why do you think this? What backs these claims up?

Well.... I think you need to talk more about your professional goals,both short and long term, the course you going to study, how you'd expect to contribute to your community etc.

I found a web site that gives some guideline about how to write a letter of motivation. However, they have more emphasis on German unis.... I feel it's worth having a look at i;

ic.daad.de/imperia/md/content/islamabad/letter_of_motivation.pdf