I'm an international student and im not really confident on my writing skills.
My question is: Is this essay strong enough to show what kind of person i am?
I noticed that the beginning of this essay is probably too short and not interesting enough. I'll appreciate any suggestion on that.
Please feel free to point out the grammar mistakes or incoherent sentences. I welcome any opinion and suggestion to revise this essay. THANKS!!!
Prompt: Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.Or Topic of your choice. (I'm not sure which one this essay fits better.)
20%
20%. To most people, it is nothing more than a mathematical symbol; to me, however, it represents a life-goal that I'm striving for.
Thanks to the educational system in China, a student can always know whether he or she is the best or not. For every quiz, test and final exam, there are always numerical rankings based on the grades of the students, showing them how well they do on their studies compared to the others in the same class. Although a lot of students resented and despised this ranking policy, I personally found great satisfaction out of it relatively often by getting outstanding grades and ranking at the very top place. However, this kind of self-contentment gradually decreased as I moved on to the higher level of academic study. Enrolled in one of the best high schools in Guangzhou, I was not surprised by the stiff competition in the new environment. Since the first day of school, I experienced the strong pressure from my peers, who were as smart as, or much more so than I was. For a year, though, I tried hard and went through the emotional roller coaster over and over again, only getting worse and worse in each time. While my ambition remained the same, I realized I was simply no longer the best, ranking often as one of the top five or six in the class, but rarely making it to first again.
For some reason, my parents felt the necessity to talk with me about my "obsession" with the rankings at school. They both thought that, compared to being an ideal-academic student, it weighed of more importance for them to see me, their only child, being cheerful, happy, and goal-oriented as I always had been. For the first time in my life, my father introduced me to the idea of the "20%". By comparing the two kinds of people in the world --- the people who succeed and the ones who fail --- he stated that while about 80% of the total population live an ordinary, mediocre life, only the remaining 20% can create success for themselves and pave their own way through life. Although money has constantly played a primary role to demonstrate one's accomplishments in his or her career, the word "successful" is not defined by the wealth ranking in Forbes magazine, but rather valued from the personal characteristics of a person, which can never be reflected by a single ranking in high school.
Do I want to be one of the "20%"? What my father said made me realize that even ranking at the top in a grade of over 800 students cannot lead me forward in the path to success, because success is never about a number but the person himself. In fact, it takes a great deal of courage, determination, and self-sacrifice to become successful in one's endeavors within society. Not one of us can carry all these qualities along in our life and that is the biggest challenge to breaking into the "20%". Having recognized the fact that nothing is more valuable than a strong personality developed from past experiences, I started to get more involved in extracurricular activities both in and outside of school. Through all of my additional activities, I grew into a different person gaining the new perspectives that being #1 in the ranking could never bring. After a year of great collaboration with others as a new member in the Student Council, I was honored with an award that is only given to the students who achieve excellent academics and demonstrate remarkable leadership skills in the extracurricular activities at the same time. The idea of 20% was engraved on my mind; I was never so sure of what I wanted to be.
Coming to the States turned my life to a totally new chapter, in which I have felt another step closer to the "20%". I've been fortunate being able to come to Merrol Hyde Magnet, one of the very best high schools in the nation. My classmates are called the "magnet kids", and are considered among the brightest students in the state. Over the years of working and studying with all my intelligent peers, I'm more aware of the importance of getting into a good university where I'll embrace more opportunities to meet the people who are either already in the "20%" or are heading in the same direction as I am now. Although it also means the inevitability of greater competition, I know I'll eventually come to enjoy life in a way that I will be able to confront any challenge or difficulty with strength and faith.
This is very impressive! Here is a little correction:
who were as smart as or much smarter more so than I was.
... rarely making it to first rank again.
... is never about a number. Success is about the person. himself . In fact, it takes a great deal of courage, determination, and self-sacrifice to become ...---I revised this so that it would be clearer and not try to say too much all at once.
... in a way that I will be able will enable me to confront ...
You did a great job with this! I think you should write a sentence that captures the main idea of the essay and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. :-)
