I wrote this essay for Columbia University. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thanks!
The Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, a place I associate with white sands, crystal clear waters and exotic foods, came to take on a different meaning for me in the summer of 2006. As I walked around the streets of the small town in which my family and I were vacationing, I noticed a young, brown-haired boy playing in the grass. His tattered jeans and dirt-stained shirt were a clear indicator that the child was subject to poverty and misfortune. However, such a sight was a regular scene in this rural village, so I continued along my path, away from the naive, freckle-faced boy.
When my aunt and I drove past that same grassy field a few days later, we saw that same child running around in the dirt with a branch firm in his grasp. To my surprise, my aunt informed me that the seemingly innocent, carefree child who was easily amused by an inanimate object was also plagued by an illness. My two-weeks in Trinidad and Tobago were packed with planned activities, so I never saw that naive child again. His lack of presence, however, did not stop my mind from dwelling on the fact that behind the child's seemingly happy, healthy expressions was an ill, helpless boy. As I traveled back home, I continuously reminded myself that there was nothing I could do for him. However, as this feeling of helplessness surged throughout my body, my desire to help him only strengthened.
After several weeks, I realized my conscience would continue to entrap me in this feeling of despair if I continued to do nothing. It was clear that there was a strong possibility that I would never be able to help that young child, but I grew more and more determined to help individuals like him. As the days passed by and this new sense of determination flowed through my veins, my desire for a profession as a doctor took root. Never again would I feel this helpless at the sight of an ill stranger.
I am still flabbergasted that those mere two observations of a complete stranger and a simple statement from my aunt had such an influential impact on my life. As I look back in the last two years, my decisions to volunteer with the Meadowlands Hospital and the Kipnis Physical Therapy Center and to sign up for the Fairview EMT courses this coming January has all been motivated from a small child whom I never once spoke to. However, I know that this experience will guide me throughout my years in college and allow me to gain the experience and knowledge needed to help individuals like that naïve, innocent young child in Trinidad and Tobago.
After several weeks, I realized my conscience would continue to entrap me in this feeling of despair if I continued to do nothing.
This sentence might make it sound like your selfless motive was actually rooted in a selfish concern that you did not want to have to feel despair. Maybe you should refer instead to a desire to share the burden of others' despair. Actually, though, this sentence is probably okay the way it is; it conveys the fact that to have a conscience, and that is good.
This whole essay is good, and I am excited for you.
You might want to add one sentence to the end of that last paragraph -- a sentence that hints at what is to come, the theme of attending to the suffering of others. In the last para, you might want to add a sentence about how Columbia will facilitate your process of achieving this goal.
