I'll be the first to admit that this essay is pretty rough. However, I really want to get into Wharton, so this essay is really important to me. Anyway, I'll take any form of criticism you decide to dish out.
College Search
When I began my college search, I was looking for a business school that offered a rigorous, relevant course of study and great opportunities to develop my leadership abilities. True to its reputation, The Wharton School of Business has that and many more attractive qualities, such as great diversity, a flexible curriculum, and an outstanding international initiative. I would keep going, but I need start talking about myself.
In the first place, I am a strong believer in a system that stresses the importance of a global education. Recently, in my AP Macroeconomics class, we covered the basic facets of international trade. Up until that point, I had a half-baked understanding of this aspect of economics and I got a genuine kick out of learning the ideas behind it. More importantly, I began to grasp ahold of how important even the smallest country is in the grand scheme of things. A place as large as the United States can benefit from trading with a small place like the Ivory Coast if the terms are right. Because of this, I gained some exposure to an idea that I had only heard of before-global citizenship. I would love the opportunity to take advantage of Wharton's international initiatives to expand on my knowledge in this area. Also, I am certain that, with the proper education, I, myself, could be a highly effective global citizen.
On top of that, I have dealt with good-old Mr. Hardship. When everything was riding high for my family, he decided to make himself a constant visitor to our household. At first, I became scared that our new and difficult set of circumstances would render it impossible for me to be successful. However, when I got up every morning, the sun would still shine and the sky was no closer to the ground than it had been the day before. I came to the realization that, with a few exceptions, nothing had really changed. I could still do the things that were closest to my heart; this time with more determination. How does this apply to Wharton? I have seen many a high school student get flustered and bent out of shape when dealing with any kind of difficulty. It was a new experience for them. While I do not pretend to have dealt with the level of rigor offered at a school like Penn/Wharton, I do know that my course in Hardship 101 has enabled me with the ability to thrive in just about every situation.
Another thing about me that fits well with the Wharton system is my desire to become a leader in the business world. When I envision myself ten or twenty years from now, I do not see myself as a typical nine-to-five guy who looks for every opportunity to slack-off at the office. I see a man who isn't satisfied with a comfortable job and a good salary; someone who is constantly striving to do everything to the best of his ability and someone who is confident enough to take the reins and lead his company in the direction he deems most fit. That being said, I have pushed myself in this direction by taking on roles of responsibility on the baseball and football teams at my school. While my positions are unofficial, they still have been highly beneficial in my development. I now know that as a leader, I must be able to listen as well as command and make decisions based on what's best for the group instead of what will make me look best. Also, I'm aware that there are many more qualities I need to obtain before I can truly call myself a leader. However, I plan to use the numerous leadership opportunities offered at Wharton to change that.
In conclusion, I believe that my skillset, though unrefined, is a good fit for the Wharton School of Business.First, I would think of some better transitions. Something more creative would serve you better than "in the first place", "in conclusion", etc.
You get a good idea of your own personal voice in this essay, especially with the words that you use ("half-baked", "good-old Mr. Hardship"). You seem like a friendly, good-natured guy. But there's always a risk saying things like that so maybe say it in a more refined but still with the same tone way?
The only big problems I see is the last paragraph. It seems like you're trying to fit in so much and I lose some focus while reading it. Maybe just focus on a couple of things or at least split up your paragraph.
You claim a lot of things too, and honestly a reader would probably be like, okay...if you say so. Back up your statements with some small examples like in the paragraph about hardships. It may help :) Though I'm not sure what your word count is.
Good luck! With a bit more polish I'm sure you'll have a good chance of getting in (:
Look at my UPenn essay too? I'm applying to the College of Arts and Sciences
