This is my supplement to Bard prompt. Here, I am trying to be really objective. Also I wish to know if I convey my genuine interest on cancer research properly or not. Your help will be really appreciated. Also I will return the favor if possible.
If you were given a grant to research a scientific or medical issue that you deem important to the world, what would it be, why did you choose it, and what kind of research do you think has the greatest chance of being productive?
In past three years, I have seen three deaths due to cancer in my family. My grandpa, my aunt and my first cousin, all died from different froms of cancer. As I saw grandpa, my closest buddy, succumb to a miserable death, I immersed myself into learning about cancer, be it through prolonged discussions with doctors and Biology teachers or through hours of study of books and articles on cancer. While my aunt died from ovarian carcinoma, her daughter died from adenocarcinoma. Fortunately, her youngest daughter got cured during the early stage of uterine cancer. Doctors could not establish a credible genetic link as the forms of carcinoma were different. I, meawhile, have been trying to find one myself. Cancer does not frighten me anymore. Instead, it challenges me like an enemy proudly displaying its full strength.
Cancer does not just kill, it kills brutally. Having spent days and nights in cancer hospital, I have seen hundreds of patients hopelessly struggle just to survive few more days. So, as a biology student, I am determined to work in the field of cancer research. If given a grant, I would choose oncogenomics, cancer genomics in simple words, to carry out my research.
This field is relatively new and less researched. Since cancer originates genetically through DNA mutation caused by various mutagens, further reseach on oncogenomics may provide new insights on cancer diagnosis and therapies. It has not been more than twenty years since oncogenomics came into existence. After the completion of Human Genome Project, researches on oncogenomics came into prominence. Its success so far has been laudable. Trastuzumab(monoclonal antibody developed through oncogenomics) has made a significant impact in the treatment of HER2-positive metastatic breast cancer. Development of Imatinib (a drug commonly known as magic bullet) has opened new doors to the treatment of chronic leukemia. Researches in oncogenomics has added a whole new dimension to the diagnosis and treatment of cancer. If given an opportunity in future, I will definitely base my research on oncogenomics after sufficient study regarding this field.
As a researcher, I would not just possess knowledge and skill but would also have immense faith in my project. My research would aim upon the study and development of cancer-related drugs that can be easily accessible to the general population. The alarming increase in deaths caused by cancer every year further investments in cancer research. Though a research may not always yield desired results, I believe that no research ever goes wasted. As Thomas Edison once said "Every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward to success."
Yes you are trying to be objective and i think you have covered the whole topic properly. There are some minor changes i thought would enhance your essay:
her daughter ( my first cousin)
Cancer does not just kill, it killsbrutally. Having spent days and nights in the oncology department of a hospital (or specify the hospital), I realize the pain and suffering that cancer patients have to go through.
I like the quote you mentioned in the ending.
Good Luck!
Please do return the favor by reading my essay:
thanks twizzlestraw! I found your suggestions really to the point and very helpful. Since the deadline for Bard in JAn 15, I will work on it later. I ll definitely keep all your suggestions in my mind while reworking on it.
Wanderer_x
Thankyou for your comment on my post :)
please come back to see the version ammended according to your & 'curious's advice!
additional and specific criticism will be adored<3
I love the way you end the essay with a quote from Edison, and addressing yourself as a'researcher' is brilliant! It gives your essay a touch of professionalism :)
This essay sounds personal as well as professional, and I dont see any part of it which I can touch
as far as I can comment, you can be proud & confident about this essay:)
send it away! ;D
First off, really am sorry to hear about the 3 deaths.
Anyway, even though 3 deaths and not just 1 is really a significant detail, i dont know if i would focus the essay just around the death of 3 people. Two possiblities I could suggest. 1. Start the theme of your essay about something that really gnawed or perplexed you specifically about cancer, maybe when you saw it in an autopsy or just one of its characteristics or something along those lines. There might have been nothing, just the magnitude of the situation, but still the idea of focusing on a detail in some form or another remains 2. Start your essay around answering the last part of the question, what kind of research has the best chance of being productive, i know you want to establish the cancer idea but really the best way to distinguish an essay about a tragedy amongst so many others that Bard will get is to focus on the solution and the details of some part of cancer, which you attempt to do in the second to last para, i would elaborate on that and try to build a greater theme around that, i dont know if starting your essay around this theme woudl work best, but i would try it and see what happens, just a suggestion.
Anyway, i would go without the last para, does very little to add to your essay and really the edison quote isn't anything particularly special, and if a quote doesnt have the potential to resonate in an adcoms mind, which i dont think this will, better off just leaving it out, espec if your going to end an essay w/ it.
In that second to last para i suggest you elaborate on and try to make more significant in the overall essay, i wouldnt also spend most of the time like you do here summarizing your observations of cancer research which are really just generalized summaries, maybe one line or so as a potential topic sentence might be appropriate, but you have to individualize this and make it about you, what is special about the kind of research YOU, not others have done in the past, but you, what's the direction you want to go w/ research?
I also think if you do this then it would eliminate the necessity of that last para altogether, and then potentially you could tie your intro about something specific about cancer all back together.
I dont want to sound harsh, but the simplest way to critque your essay for yourself would be just think for a second and ask the type of question you hear so often: how is this essay about a tragedy diff than the ones bard will get about diff types of tragedy? The best way to make htis a truely memorable essay is not through just relying on a poignant topic(most essays like this do that, they just hope the poignant topic gets them recognized but it doesnt work like this, all of these family tragedies stories all conclude too similarily), even in an objective essay like this, i still think your better off w/ an intro that for ex. would talk about something like a image in your mind you had from say the rate of growth of the tissue, or something more specific just in general. this is where your voice can really be shown and allow for this to be a truely profound essay that stirs away from the general conclusions most reach like oh. i really want to reserach this to come up w/ solutions so future generations dont deal w/ this or oh this event really changed me and made me realize how fortunate i was to be living.
btw what is the word limit, the shorter it is, the sooner and more i would focus on those themes of your own speicfic research and the details of what intrigued you by cancer
Good Luck
