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Essay on my Research Activity -- Yarsagumba

Hemin12 3 / 10  
Nov 8, 2009   #1
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) - (150 words or fewer).

Last summer, I researched on the medical and socio-economic importance of Yarsagumba(scientifically, Cordyceps Sinensis). It was an outcome of strenuous field visits and continuous laboratory experiments. I had made my way to many mountainous areas of my country where people shut schools and offices for months in search of this rare medicinal herb. During my two week long visit, I not only recorded the economical statistics but also realized the hardships people face there due to lack of money. I realized that the risk during the search was worth taking. Later, I with the help of other bio-technicians experimented on various chemical constituents of Yarsagumba and found that this medicinal herb could be used for curing heart and lungs diseases. I presented my research paper in 4th International Students' Science Fair, Japan which helped me in gaining enough support for further scientific experimentation. I realized that my effort could not only serve in promoting the living standard of people in those mountainous areas of my nation but also in people all around the world.

My essay crosses the word limit. please help me with suggestions about shortening the essay. I would be grateful if you could find grammatical errors and provide corrections..

dramacratic 6 / 27  
Nov 8, 2009   #2
Overall, I think this has a LOT of potential. My only criticism, aside from those I made within your answer, would be to figure out what is more important. You're trying to talk about the importance of actually conducting the research, but then talk about the science fair. While it's possible to do that in 150 words, I was far less interested in the latter. I'm sure the science fair fact will show up on your resume, or be included in one of your other essays, whereas this prompt could really allow your research process to have its moment. Just a thought!

Good luck! And congratulations on your findings! =]
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 9, 2009   #3
Lauren, you are a hero.

I spent two weeks recording economical statistics and contemplating the the hardships people face in health services and education due to lack of money. I understood that the risk they take while searching Yarsagumba in steep mountains is worth taking, because it provides the only significant source of income. On the other hand, With the help of bio-technicians, I experimented on various chemical constituents of Yarsagumba and found that this herb could be used for curing heart and lungs diseases.

Great progress here!! Good luck to you. This is an impressive experience.
OP Hemin12 3 / 10  
Nov 9, 2009   #4
^^ EF Kevin.. thank you for helping... do you think the essay needs a conclusion? like the one i wrote "It encouraged me to proceed ahead for further clinical experimentation which can prove beneficial to the entire world."... just a view...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 11, 2009   #5
Yes, but maybe tonight you will think of something that is not so general... some thought that you want to linger in their minds after they finish the essay. I think this should be a thought that pertains to your goals with this program you are entering.

At the end fo the essay, mention some kind of connection to this specific program... and it will be especially good if you name a specific prof or specific program at the school to which you're applying.

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