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Research, CMB/BME, Diversity (Why UofM?) - University of Michigan Essay #2


MyNameIsSlimS 2 / 2  
Jan 8, 2014   #1
Nota Bene: These are the thoughts I'd like to have in my essay. How can I make it flow better? Also, I'm 16 words over. Can you help me shorten it or will I be fine? Thank you!

Prompt: Essay #2 (Required for all applicants. 500 words maximum). Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests?

I want to change the world; I want to rid the world of all harm, like a superhero. In my quest to become a superhero, I shall start by ridding the world of all neurodegenerative diseases. They plague the world and I need to stop them from conquering. The human brain is a complex and mysterious subject - while we know so much about it, we have yet to unlock all of its secrets. I intend to.

When I hear the name "University of Michigan", one word comes to mind: research. It seems as if I'm always hearing about some new advancement or information that came from UofM, such as the Zebrafish studies or the ALS Stem Cell trial.

During the Summer of 2013, I joined the Shakkotai lab at the University of Michigan. Shakkotai focused on Spinocerebellar Ataxias, neurodegenerative diseases that affects one's movement. I am currently looking at the gene expression of the ITPR1 receptor of Purkinje Cells and how it changes throughout the lifetime of mice models. I continue working there in an effort to publish a paper.

UofM is lauded as a top spender for university research: an achievement that reflects the desire to create a better world through a more thorough understanding of our environment and ourselves. I, too, share in that wish -- to be able to make the world a better place. In attending UofM, I hope to continue researching at this top-notch institution, for the benefit of humanity as a whole -- with our efforts combined, no disease is incurable, no problem too difficult.

The combined Cell and Molecular Biology/Biomedical Engineering (CMB/BME) degree offered by the Literature, Science and Arts College is absolutely essential to me because of my dream to become a neurosurgeon. The CMB program would prepare me for Medical School; BME intrigues me because I don't want to simply practice medicine, I want to create and innovate the practice of medicine. Biomedical Engineers are accredited for things such as the MRI scanner, synthetic heart-valves, and therapeutic drugs. Biomedical Engineering will help me become a part of the change. The CMB/BME program, along with a major in Physics, will allow me to be enrolled in both the LSA and the College of Engineering.

As an aspiring neurosurgeon, I want to unlock the secrets of life -- to understand the mechanisms that make us human, that define life as we know it. Once we understand how life works, we can move forward to enhance ourselves, even down to the molecular level. The applications are limitless -- countless diseases can be cured. The CMB/BME program will let me achieve my dreams and comprehend the complex mechanics behind life.

Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives.

UofM is renowned for its diverse community. Diversity breeds collaboration, as people of different backgrounds work together at UofM. I would like to be exposed to several different cultures, as it will expand my worldview and turn me into a more knowledgeable person. As these distinct cultures mix, a new one emerges at UofM: one of tolerance and unity.

Kristoria 3 / 51 1  
Jan 8, 2014   #2
The last paragraph about diversity is somewhat repetitive. It seems you could eliminate a sentence like "I would like to be exposed to several different cultures, as it will expand my worldview and turn me into a more knowledgeable person." or maybe combine 2 of these 3 sentences "Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives. UofM is renowned for its diverse community. Diversity breeds collaboration, as people of different backgrounds work together at UofM."

I liked the flow of the essay. However, this is just my opinion so you could check with someone else.
twinkinstar 1 / 3 3  
Jan 9, 2014   #3
MyNameIsSlimS
Don't you think you should showcase a more cautious approach without dimming down the enthusiastic tone of these lines 'I want to change the world; I want to rid the world of all harm, like a superhero. In my quest to become a superhero, I shall start by ridding the world of all neurodegenerative diseases. They plague the world and I need to stop them from conquering.' For example, you can say, ' In the never ending battle against the vagaries that plague us, I want to do my part by helping to eradicate the neurodegenrative diseases that cut short a man's life & his relishment of it.' or you could work something like this into the para.

Also, these lines are jarring; u go to an abrupt stop from a cruise 'we have yet to unlock all of its secrets. I intend to.' You can instead write, 'much is still unknown. I intend to unlock its secrets.' or something like it.

Replace this, ' It seems as if I'm always hearing about some new advancement or information that came ' with 'There is always some new innovation or advancement of knowledge'. Ur line makes others think that you are awed to hear about it but still skeptic.

Replace this line, ' I continue working there in an effort to publish a paper.' with 'I continue to work there while writing a research paper also.' This is because your former line didn't left you room to maneuver & it can come in handy during the interview.

Remove 'in' from 'share in that wish '. Just a grammatical error.
Replace 'and innovate ' with 'innovations in'. You cannot create the practice of medicine; its already there.
Rework this para 'As an aspiring neurosurgeon, I want to unlock the secrets of life -- to understand the mechanisms that make us human, that define life as we know it. Once we understand how life works, we can move forward to enhance ourselves, even down to the molecular level. The applications are limitless -- countless diseases can be cured. The CMB/BME program will let me achieve my dreams and comprehend the complex mechanics behind life.' Try to add the this hugely popular saying in scholarly circles by Rene` De`scartes - I think, therefore I am or its latin equivalent.

Remove this line 'Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives.' Its unnecessary.
These are the refinements I can think of.
Good Luck!! :)
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 10, 2014   #4
Also, these lines are jarring; u go to an abrupt stop from a cruise 'we have yet to unlock all of its secrets. I intend to.' You can instead write, 'much is still unknown. I intend to unlock its secrets.' or something like it.

I agree with twinkinstar. Also when you begin with "while we know so much about it" it better correspond to " yet there's so much more to explore" or "yet it is a small fraction of what we still don't know"

When I hear the name "University of Michigan", one word comes to mind:research "Research".

.... capitalize because it need more emphasis.

Replace this, ' It seems as if I'm always hearing about some new advancement or information that came ' with 'There is always some new innovation or advancement of knowledge'. Ur line makes others think that you are awed to hear about it but still skeptic.

.... yes, express this idea more directly.

During the Summer of 2013, I joined the Shakkotai lab at the University of Michigan. Shakkotai focused on Spinocerebellar Ataxias, neurodegenerative diseases that affects one's movement. I am currently looking at the gene expression of the ITPR1 receptor of Purkinje Cells and how it changes throughout the lifetime of mice models. I continue working there in an effort to publish a paper.
UofM is lauded as a top spender for university research: an achievement that reflects the desire to create a better world through a more thorough understanding of our environment and ourselves. I, too, share in that wish -- to be able to make the world a better place. In attending UofM, I hope to continue researching at this top-notch institution, for the benefit of humanity as a whole -- with our efforts combined, no disease is incurable, no problem too difficult.

I feel you should combine both these paras, they both focus on UofM's research capabilities.

As an aspiring neurosurgeon, I want to unlock the secrets of life

... I prefer the word "reveal" to "unlock" .... You generally reveal secrets

Remove this line 'Diversity is important to me in both my academic and student lives.' Its unnecessary.

... Yes, it sounds irrelevant at this point. If you want to talk about this aspect, then you should have said it before you come to the point -

How would that curriculum support your interests?

. You should have talked about this aspect much earlier in this response to answer-

Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School

Wish you good luck!


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