Okay, here's the first draft of my Carnegie Mellon supplement >< I know it's so last minute...so any help is appreciated!!!!! Things to look for: did i answer the prompt completely? should i add more stuff about carnegie mellon? grammar?
Prompt: explain why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to
A drop of blood lands on a dot marking the target on a fat, gray, plastic strip. "Daddy, why do you have to do that?" I asked, as a puzzled and concerned child. My father is diabetic, yet at the time, all I knew about diabetes was my father's frequent mood swings, the frustration of piercing his fingers, and the incessant clacking of pills. When my dad fell unconscious in a diabetic coma on a Christmas Eve, I flew to him in a shock. I scrambled to dial 9-1-1 and before I knew it, sirens blared outside the building. One officer asked me to list the medications my father took and I was gravely proud to know everything they needed, down to the medication and his schedule for taking them. After much hoisting, my dad left to the ambulance on a gurney as a hurricane of anxiety and rage for his well-being set in my heart. When he finally returned fully recovered, I realized how close I had come to losing my father. I had watched my father suffer diabetes all my life and experienced his fits of frustration, yet I only felt angry at my situation. Not until this jolt to reality did I realize that it is not about how much I or someone else suffers; it is about what those who can do something are doing about it. With this mindset, I researched on diabetes extensively by reading and became introduced to the world of diseases.
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wow, i dont have a ton to say, i think its a great, well-rounded essay that shows off your writing but really lets the reader understand your apparent passion for medicine. If anything, other than a few sentence tweaks, i might throw a tiny bit more about Carnegie Mellon, like maybe a specific research program or opportunity.
.. these are just a few minor suggestions
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With this mindset, I researched on diabetes extensively by reading and became introduced to the world of diseases. Diabetes spurred my fascination with diseases, biological sciences and biomedical engineering.
Thus, I grasped the chance to work in the endocrine lab of the VA hospital. I spent a month helping research the role of CaR (a Ca2+ sense receptor) in cartilage using mice tails. On the very first day, instead of written instructions, I went straight to work preparing DNA. Without any prior experience in genotyping, I learned as I worked. My mistakes were my teachers, yet every researcher at the lab had knowledge to offer. I felt overwhelmed and excited at the same time to hear about DNA polymerase, researchers discussing skewed DNA results, and paraffin embedding. The work I did there, such as running PCRs and genotyping, brought me to love researching and lab life. My experience in researching opened my eyes to the countless opportunities one has make a change and I believe that Carnegie Mellon can provide me with the proper education and resources to do so .
With so many opportunities at the Mellon College of Science and Carnegie Institute of Technology, I am sure I can find many other students that share the same passion for researching medicine. The resources that the university provides, like the bone tissue engineering center, make it easier to reach out to other students who share the same passions. Through these resources, students can work together and really put their minds to answering questions they've wondered about. Can we find ways to instantly heal ourselves? Can we one day cure the common cold? Ultimately, it is the curiosity behind them that motivates students to pursue research. As I will make my own discoveries, I will start making connections with real world issues and before long, I will find myself using my discoveries to chase after solutions to such dilemmas. I know I can base my learning toward a more worldly purpose such as bettering health care around the world, improving hospital life, or developing medicines. Change always follow opportunity, hence, I am confident that I can fulfill my aspirations with the opportunities at Carnegie Mellon.
overall, a very strong essay, love it.
Honestly this is ridiculous, I'm literally writing this same essay for Carnegie as well and mines not nearly as good. Really my only suggestion would maybe be a brief explanation of some of the finer genetics terms unless of course you think that might sound condescending...idk really there are pro's and con's to leaving it like this or changing it, it's up to you. Either way, great overall essay.
Ok and now of course after I've typed all that I notice one other thing. In the last paragraph one sentence reads as
"I know I can base my learning toward a more worldly purpose such as bettering health care around the world, improving hospital life, or developing medicines."
I would change "bettering" to "improving" and since you already used improving in conjunction with hospital life you might want to just restructure this sentence. Maybe it's just me but "bettering" seems a little immature or just not very refined. I mean grammatically it's certainly acceptable it's just a little idk I want to say out of place maybe? It's difficult to explain but it just sticks out among all the excellence in this paper.
That's all I got, if they don't let you in then honestly they don't know anything. Fantastic essay, good luck!
