Hey you guys-
I'm looking for some feedback on my essays before I submit them on the UC app! If any of you guys could just look them over and give me your opinion, I would be very grateful.
"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Response:
For the majority of my adolescent life, I have resided in an affluent community that emphasizes both success through economic ventures and high academic achievements. When I was young, I never thought much of education and the importance it has on peoples' lives until my friend asked me where my parents went to college. The question baffled me because I had no recollection of my parents, or any other family members, ever discussing colleges or any post-high school education whatsoever. Despite everything I heard around me, there was one woman who always believed in me and encouraged me in countless ways: my grandmother Rosa Sandoval.
My grandparents had come from impecunious towns in Mexico and received only up to a mere second-grade education. When they came to America, they held several jobs at once just so they could manage to feed their large family. My grandparents, and my parents, are extremely hard workers, and that has driven my motivation over the years to try my absolute best in school so that I could have the opportunity to go to a top university. My grandmother Rosa always told me to do whatever I could to achieve what I desire in life; Desires that she was never able to obtain in her lifetime. She incessantly reminded me to strive for the best, but not to lose myself in the meantime. On many occasions, she told me that she wanted me to be something different from my cousins. Although she loved them dearly, many of them had made copious amounts of mistakes, including dropping out of high school, getting involved in drugs at a young age, hanging out with the wrong crowds, and even being incarcerated. She had faith in me that I would break the Mexican stereotype within our family and create my own path, thus setting a good example for my younger cousins; a positive example that they have yet to see in their lives. She truly was my inspiration and it has always been my first priority to make her proud by creating a bright future for myself.
A few years ago, when my Grandma Rosa passed away, it seemed as if the world was going to come to an end, for she was always the one who kept our family intact. Shortly after, my grandpa revealed that their town's doctor did not have adequate skills or equipment to properly treat her. Maybe she could have been saved if she hadn't sought medical attention in her still-developing town. Ever since then, I have worked my hardest in order to fulfill my duty to her and to myself, and intend to acquire a college education. Someday, I even hope to go to medical school so that I can become a doctor and help other people in a way that the small town doctor couldn't help my grandma. It is my ambition to help provide medical attention to people of developing countries all over the world, and I owe all my future endeavors to my grandma Rosa, who has pushed me the hardest to succeed in life.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----- ----------------------------------------------------------------- ----- --------------------------
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"
Response:
My first experience on a soccer team was when I was five years old, and I have been infatuated with the sport ever since. Most of it was because of energetic coaches who constantly emphasized the importance of sportsmanship and their main goal was to expand our love for the game. I was always taught that winning isn't everything, and I couldn't believe that some coaches didn't teach their players the same. After having played soccer for over ten years, my friend and I decided that we really wanted to impose the same kind of thinking on young players as our coaches did with us. The following August, we found ourselves on a field for the first practice of the season with eleven nine-year-old girls. Out of all the activities I've pursued, I must say that I'm most proud of coaching girls' soccer for my local league.
My co-coach, Anne, and I assumed many responsibilities for Adrenaline during the season. We were no longer the players who did whatever the coaches said, but the ones in the instructor's chair. We came to practice prepared with particular drills and exercises that we thought would benefit the girls later in the games. I consistently sent out e-mails regarding what color of jersey to wear, game schedules, snack schedules, and picture times. Anne and I instructed them through activities like dribbling around cones, and we saw significant improvement in each player's soccer skills as they gained more control over the ball. We relentlessly stressed that we would be proud of them no matter what the score came out to be. We became very close to the girls in a short amount of time through practice and game time.
This experience had a positive effect on me because it taught me leadership and responsibility. I demonstrated dedication and reliability through conducting practices, keeping everyone updated, and cheering my team on at the games. It was my job to assure that the girls were learning the fundamentals of soccer but also that their love for the game strengthened. The girls were not the only ones who grew throughout the season, but also Anne and I. I have learned how to work well with others and make compromises and make compromises accordingly. I witnessed many outbursts of laughter and vivacious moments throughout the season which told me that the girls immensely enjoyed themselves. Anne and I confirmed that we had achieved our original goal when every girl, even the first-year player, jumped up and down in excitement when we asked them if they were going to play soccer again next year. Although I will not be able to partake in coaching again next year, I hope I can do it again in the future when I have kids of my own.
1st EssayThe question baffled me because I had no recollection of my parents, or any other family members, ever discussing colleges or any post-high school education whatsoever. Despite everything I heard around me, there was one woman who always believed in me and encouraged me in countless ways: my grandmother Rosa Sandoval.
You are saying that you had no recollection of your parents, you never discussed with anyone about education. But then suddenly you go on talking about who supports you and who believes in you. You should write something like what did you do when you found out that you didn't know anything about their education, did you try to know about their education or anything else.and even being incarcerated
substitute with something simple like imprisoned.
Someday, I even hope to go to medical school so that I can become a doctor and help other people in a way that the small town doctor couldn't help my grandma
I hope of going into medical school...No offense but after reading half of the essay I get that either you aren't living with your parents or they are not anymore.. I am just not sure. Because you are telling that your grandma has done a lot for you. So what ever the reason is if you feel it right you should tell more about your parents in the first para. Where are they, what happened to them and other things...
2nd EssayWe became very close to the girls in a short amount of time through practice and game time .
It was my job to assure that the girls were learning the fundamentals of soccer but also that their love for the game strengthened.
were learning not only the fundamentalsI have learned how to work well with others and make compromises and make compromises accordingly
everything else seems fine :D
