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Residential school for underprivileged childen, common application essay option


Popcorn 1 / -  
Dec 20, 2009   #1
In the spring of my freshman year, I endeavored to pursue an employment in the hopes of saving money for college. However living in an overpopulated country like India, my search for a job which pays led me to a dead end. After all there were only a couple of job prospects for a fourteen year old girl and a few too many of them happened to be illegal. As I gave up on my dreams of landing a lucrative job-or any job for that matter-I began to contemplate voluntary work. Sure, I wouldn't earn salaries or bonuses but I could settle for an experience and develop some 'work ethics' my parents always presumed I lacked.

It wasn't until I visited a residential school for underprivileged children with my family that my curiosity got the better of me. The mothers of these children were indigent sex workers; many of them still worked to pay off their living. Upon my insistence, the principal of the hostel took me to their school and let me sit through each and every lesson for an entire day. While I found the math classes to be just as overtaxing and grueling as ours, I couldn't help but observe that the English lessons tended to be monotonous and too textual-which made them all the more boring. I flashbacked to seven years ago when I had been an ESL student in my first international school (name of school); if memory served me correct classes never started with the opening of grammar books. Instead, I remember endless games of 'Simon says', 'Charades', 'I spy' and books filled with images of a big red dog (Clifford) and whimsical, fluffy characters (Sesame Street). Later that evening, I convinced the principal to let me conduct additional English classes for the students of grades five through eight on weekends.

My parents, who have often chided me for not taking enough interest outside my orbit, were both taken aback and delighted after hearing of my decision. Yes, I have always been a slight introvert, comfortable living inside my protective shell, venturing out occasionally. And I have been desperately trying to change that for as long as I can remember. What better way to start than putting myself out there and-however clichéd it may sound-lending a hand to community? Perhaps it was because my heart went out to the children behind the desks conveying blank stares to the blackboard-the source of all confusion.

Although my first class turned out to be a lot less than the fruitful miracle I had envisioned, I was determined not to surrender. Pupils entered the classroom textbooks, notebooks, pencils and erasers in hand. We started with introducing ourselves. To my disappointment, the majority of the students could only get as far as reciting their names, ages, addresses and what they liked using proper sentence structures. As I concluded the lesson with a game of 'Simon says' which, I'll admit, garnered a lot of smiles and relief I began planning the next week's lesson. Some days, I would play it by ear, doing whichever activity students wished to do and on other days I would be tougher and emphasize on writing proper sentences and reading texts.

As lessons went by, I could discern a gradual improvement. I am not claiming that all students in my class got the best grades in their school because that is not true. But I was struck by how children, who could barely write three sentences without glaring errors, were able to write an entire paragraph. Girls of the eighth grade, who had performed abysmally in my pop quizzes, passed the English annual examination in their school with grades above C.

I felt more and more like a teacher, someone who passed her knowledge to fellow pupils while at the same time exchanged respect and communication. It is here that I learned that giving something back to the community doesn't deprive us of knowledge or experience; on the other hand, it replenishes our minds with a new sense of life, love and spirit. I might have taught impoverished children some English, but they taught me communication-the key to relationships. Because of this I am no longer perceived as the girl who voluntarily resides in the background. I have been engaged in various other extracurricular activities and this year I was elected the president of the Environment Club in my school. While I taught at (name of hostel) for only a year and a half, my lesson in communication remains invaluable and I hope I continue to nurture that skill and become an even greater leader.

please take your time to read it and offer constructive advice. I am also unsure about a title for the essay and it would be lovely if you could suggest some.

:)))
politik 6 / 34  
Dec 20, 2009   #2
I did not check the grammar and all...But...you should focus more on the 'impact on you' part of the essay prompt..Also...the essay needs tight editing and i noticed some gramatical mistakes..Your idea is very good...but you should concentrate equally on the experience and its impact on you...the second part is the most important thing..I dont have enough time to do the editing because I also have essays to write...so..Good Luck!!...

and...FYI...if you want moderators to help edit your essay...you should first edit a few other peoples essays...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 22, 2009   #3
In the spring of my freshman year, I endeavored to pursue an employment in the hopes of saving money for college.

This is an overly complicated way to say you wanted to get a job during freshmen year of high school. Maybe you can actually start with a sentence that is more interesting... an obbservation about the significance of this story... and then tell them you got a job AFTER catching their attention.

Sure, I wouldn't earn salaries or bonuses but I could settle for an experience and develop some 'work ethics' my parents always presumed I lacked.----> this is an interesting line, ha ha. It shows that you are making thoughtful observations about your parents' perspectives. I like it.

Okay, on second thought, though... after reading the rest of the essay, I see that this first paragraph is all dead weight, weighing the essay down. Chop off this first paragraph, and the essay will be very powerful. You'll have to write a new first sentence for para #2 to make it a good intro paragraph. That's my suggestion! :-)


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