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My Response for Gtown Essay on activities

hann12 1 / -  
Oct 25, 2015   #1
what do you guys think about this essay?

In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

Since early childhood, I have loved sports. The experience in Africa is much different than it is here in the U.S. Teams here are more organized with a coach and a schedule. This was not something I had previously experienced. Coming to Xavier from Kenya was an exciting but also anxiety provoking experience. I didn't know anyone at the school. I was feeling homesick and overwhelmed in the first days. Americans are much more effusive than Kenyans and by nature I can be taciturn especially in a new environment while absorbing everything. I remember riding the subway to school on my first day. I had previously never been on a train much less an underground train. As an orphan adult, contact can be sparse so we closely cling to each other. I knew if America was going to work for me I needed to make friends and nowhere had I made more friends then on the playing fields. I immediately joined the soccer team at Xavier and later that year, the track team.

Through participation in Soccer, America and Xavier started to feel familiar to me. Within the first few weeks I had connected with my teammates and felt that I was making friends and feeling less ill at ease. I was quickly learning there was more to being on a team then just the game itself.

Sports have been a key part of my assimilation to American life. I learned how the boys related to each other, how to be less stoic and more communicative. I learned about taking direction. Coaching isn't something that is common in orphanages and having the leadership of a coach has shown me much about taking direction and being open to learning. Without leadership, systems can fracture and everyone can be out for himself. I learned the critical nature of teamwork, common goal and common effort toward the goal. Being on a team has helped me mature and practice the Jesuit training of "men for others" by doing what is best for the team rather than what might be best for me. Both soccer and track have helped me accept the entire range of possibility when attempting a task. Sports has taught me winning with grace and losing with dignity and understanding that what is important is the effort put forth in the process and with that, the result will come.

My journey from the slums of Nairobi to America has been a great adventure, filled with challenges, setbacks, and successes. On the surface, my involvement in sports may seem superficial, "just a high school soccer team" but to me it has changed everything. Soccer and track have been my portal into my new life, my new friends, my ability to grow as a student and as a "man for others."
danbrespadkit 3 / 5 1  
Oct 26, 2015   #2
I can see what you're trying to convey, but I think your ideas are a bit all over the placed. Try grouping similar ideas together and disposing of sentences that can distract the read from your point (e.g. Without leadership, systems [...]. If it is important to you to mention this, try incorporating the point another way.) Also, some sentences seem a bit unclear and awkward, like "As an orphan adult, contact can be sparse[...]." Try re-structuring the sentence to make it seem more coherent. Check the sentence "Within the first few week I had connected with [...] feeling less ill at ease." I'm guessing you wanted to say either "less ill" or "more at ease". Your middle paragraph is good in general since you explain specifically what you learned. The introduction, however, needs more unity in the ideas (probably omit the part about the subway). In the last paragraph, try to rephrase the second sentence since "on the surface" and "superficial" are redundant and the structure seems awkward. The last sentence has some subject-verb and structural issues as well. Try giving it another go and remember that the reader is not in your head (don't worry, I have this problem too). Good luck!
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Oct 26, 2015   #3

There is just too much going on in this essay. It needs to be simple and streamlined. The best way to do this is just to draw parallels between your life and sports in Kenya, and just associate that with your life in America and how playing sports was the one commonality - although slightly different and more organized. Everything else that you have here only muddles your message and is not necessary. - Admissions Advice Online
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 2, 2015   #4
- Since early childhood, I have loved sports.
- The chance to be able to enjoy sports with different teams is a joy to my life. The experience in Africa...
- Coming to Xavier from Kenya was an exciting
- but alsoan anxiety provoking experience.
- and overwhelmed in the first few days.
- I had previously never been on a train much less an underground train.
- As an orphan adult , contact can be
- I knew if America was going to work for me( I don't see the logic of this phrase on your sentence)
- I needed to make friends and nowhere had I made more friends tha n on the playing fields.

- Within the firstA few weeks on and I had connected
- more to being on a team tha n just the game itself.

Andy, as you can see there's a lot to work on in your essay, it's going in all direction there's not one line that is aimed at the prompt.

I made a few remarks and sentence input to enhance your essay and direct it to the point where it should be.
For future writing reference, review your prompt, create an idea or thought and once you've come up with a clear thought, that's when you start writing.

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