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Review? Common App Short Essay- "Silk" (Color Guard)

hisui 1 / 1  
Nov 3, 2012   #1
"Dut dut out!" I yell at the top of my lungs as I push out my flag into a pop toss. I hold my position for the whole three seconds it takes the silk to rotate before it begins its graceful decent back to Earth and into my hands. I turn and make sure the rest of the flags caught their tosses, and they did. "Great job!" I congratulate the team before calling a water break.

Tossing flags and catching them is my passion, as silly as it sounds. It's tough, requires time and effort, hard work and a certain liking for pain. Even so, I love it and would gladly spend everyday of the week practicing, performing, and teaching. There's a certain exhilaration that comes from catching the toss you just couldn't get. Watching the way the silk of the flag floats in the air. Or being on the football field under the bright lights during halftime. It has taught me leadership and friendship and given me a passion for something I didn't realize I could have.

I know there's a lot of improvement to be made but any advice or corrections you could give me would be very much appreciated. Thanks!!

OP hisui 1 / 1  
Nov 3, 2012   #2
Would it be better if I included more about its influence on me and cut out some of the intro? I feel like it's lacking something. Maybe I should go with another topic I just feel like I'm not as passionate about some of my other extracurricular's.
VesperO - / 1  
Nov 4, 2012   #3
I can definetly feel your passion for your extracurricular, but remember that this a college application, how does your passion influence you and make you a better person? And how do those influences prepare you for college? Why would a college want to accept you because of them?

I think your tone is great it really does convey your passion, you should stick to your topic just elaborate on how your passion makes you a better person :)
HC2013 3 / 15 2  
Nov 4, 2012   #4
I think it would be more powerful if you broke up some of your sentences. Listing your ideas makes them lose their influence. Also watch your use of semi-colons.

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