i'm doing this so last minute, i haven't had anyone check it for grammar for me or anything :/ so if you could just check out the grammar and whether i get my point across, that would be sooo helpful! also should i put a title on it?
"Hey Sarah, come check this out!" my mother called enthusiastically. I approached the cement wall that she was leaning over to discover a water bug, a creature that disturbed me so thoroughly that it kept me from swimming in the lake that my family and I spent our summers at. And this was a particularly big, creepy one: about two inches long with sharp, segmented legs.
"Ugh, why would you show me this, Mom?" I asked. "You know how much water bugs freak me out."
"Sarah," my mother responded calmly, "look a little closer."
I reluctantly complied and was awed by what I saw: a delicate, silver wing emerging from the head of the ugly, gray bug. 'What?' I thought, 'This just can't be. This beautiful appendage cannot be coming from this evil critter!' Both confused and curious, I parked myself beside my mother to continue watching the odd happening. A second wing slowly made its way out of the insect, followed by a slender, bright green body. It was a dragonfly! Shocked by what had happened, I followed the dragonfly as it flew from the wall into its new life. Its grace and beauty amazed me, especially considering the creepy crawler it had originated as. The transformation I had witnessed made me reconsider the unfair judgment I had made on water bugs. After all, they had never done anything to me.
As I considered this idea, I realized how applicable the lesson was to everyday life. People, including myself, constantly pass blind judgments on others. We judge them based on their appearances and the people they spend their time with, things that, in reality, tell us little to nothing about who they are. Whenever I am tempted to ignorantly criticize a person, I think back to my experience with the water bug. On Thursday nights, for example, I volunteer at a local soup kitchen at which I am bombarded with hundreds of unfamiliar people, many of whom have tough exteriors. Although it is intimidating to start a conversation with some of them, I always push myself to do so. As a result, I have met some truly kind, interesting people.
I've realized that this mindset is important to have not only in meeting new people, but also in facing unfamiliar situations. In Biology class, for instance, we were given the choice of either dissecting a fetal pig or doing an online dissection, an option that, as an ethically-motivated vegetarian, seemed appealing. I realized, though, that I would learn far more from the real dissection and decided to take the risk. Thinking back to my experience with the water bug, I entered the dissection with an open-mind. It turned out that, like the bug that I had feared so intensely, the dissection was not as scary as I had thought it would be. In fact, I found it fascinating and ended up doing much of the cutting for my group.
Although watching an insect transformation may seem like a minor event, the experience was a turning point in my life, as it allowed me to see the importance in facing new people and situations open-mindedly. As I embark on my journey into college, I will continue to keep this lesson in mind. I hope that it will allow me to meet a variety of people and get the most out of the academic opportunities that I am presented with, things that, I believe, will make my four years in college truly fulfilling.
Here's my opinion: Your essay is pretty good. Your point is clearly drawn, but, I just think the entire example of the waterbug isn't strong enough to yeild such a strong epiphany. It seems a bit unrealistic. If you can add something to you waterbug experience, you may be able to produce a stronger essay. I don't think what you have will have a strong impact on the admissions officers. Don't get me wrong: your writing skills are great, and your transitions are very nice, but I just don't know about the actual experience.
Well, you must be a great writer, because I found little room for improvement even though you wrote this quickly.
In Biology class, for instance, we were given the choice of either dissecting a fetal pig or doing an online dissection; the second option seemed more appealing to me as an ethically-motivated vegetarian.
As I embark on my journey into college, I will continue to keep this lesson in mind. I hope that it will enable me to meet a variety of people and get the most out of the academic opportunities that I am presented with, things that, I believe, will make my four years in college truly fulfilling.
