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Review my paragraph on why I'm attending Longview College


rnncllns 1 / -  
Sep 25, 2009   #1
I have been asked to write paragraph on why im attending Longview College In a arugmentive style.
Thank you

Brenda Collins
English 30
Zoe Albright

Why I choose Longview College to start my education

I choose to attend Longview for the following reasons, to establish a college foundation so I can future my education to a University, to be a positive roll model for my children, and to have choices to a well pay and enjoyable career of my choice. My long term goal is to receive a bachelor degree, but I have been out of school for over 20 years; therefore, Longview was the best place for me to start. I'm currently enrolled in English30 and Math20, yet these classes are below college level, so if I were to enter a University to start my college education it would most likely be a wrong decision for me. I have 4 boys their ages range from 22 -15. Three of them have graduated from high school, and my fourth has just entered high school. My oldest son has earned 1 ˝ years of college before he decided to quit, my second son is a junior at Truman State, and my third one who just graduated last spring from high school has no desire to attend college; therefore, it is very important that I set a good example that you can go to college at any age, and at any level of education you have. I was a stay at home Mom for 16 years before I went to work at a retail store. I worked there for six years as an Office Coordinator until they closed the store because of the poor economy. I really enjoyed my job; however, I worked very hard, long and stressful hours. I was very frustrated on pay day when I saw my check and how small the pay was; however, it was a great motivator for me to start college. I have not decided what career path to go on, yet I have many choices to find out which career is best for me. So far my decision to attend Longview has been a positive impact for me and my children; in fact, my third son has looked into college this spring and I am very excited to explore my new career path.

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 25, 2009   #2
Let's work on basics:

Spell out numbers under twenty as well as those that can be expressed in a single word (thirty, fifty, etc.).

That's minor. The chief problem I see here is tense. You start out in present tense but then wobble. Since you made the choice of which college to attend in the past, start in past tense and stay there, with the exception of things that continue to be true (i.e. how many children you have).

So:

I'm currently enrolled in English30 and Math20, yet these classes are below college level.S o, if I were to have entered a University to start my college education, it would most likely have been a wrong decision for me.
supermodella 4 / 13  
Sep 25, 2009   #3
There are some spelling errors here, and I'll use the red font to include the correction. (I think that's what we do?) I'm OCD spelling and grammar!

"role model", a "Bachelor's degree", and "a well paid ".

Also, there's misuse of the semi-colon. "I really enjoyed my job; however, I worked very hard, long and stressful hours." should be "I really enjoyed my job, however, I worked very hard, long and stressful hours." A semi-colon is used to connect two independent clauses, not usually before however.


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