The University of Texas has provided a similar prompt from previous years, now that it's my turn to take part in their admissions essays I feel stress is getting the better of me. Please help review my assay and provide any comments, questions, etc. Thanks you :)
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Reynosa, a budding city in northern Mexico bordering McAllen, Texas, is the largest city in the state of Tamaulipas. With a combined population of almost two million, the Reynosa-McAllen metropolitan area holds a massive number of inhabitants creating a distinct cultural diffusion between two divergent cultures. On the Mexican side of the border lies a war between drug cartels, generating unyielding distress upon many who live in the metropolitan area. While on the northern side of the border we watch as the crumbling city falls to corruption but prospers as a successful city of drug trade and criminality. Fully consumed by such an ordeal, we choose to ignore the happenings and focus instead of the possibilities of a city that is destined to grow permanently infamous in the near future.
A once stunning tourist destination, Reynosa is now enclosed in a crooked government system and never ending crime that frightens all newcomers into better destination areas. This did not happen instantly, however, for many Mexican government officials have attempted to change its decaying forthcoming. Futile as it seemed, many became subject to the lust for money, fully ignoring the situation and choosing to side with the criminal. With such a fraudulent government and a disintegrating Mexican economy, some citizens feel it is easier to simply join in on the drug cartel business, further increasing delinquency and corruption in what seems to be an unending cycle of self-destruction.
I am deeply saddened by the situation Reynosa is in, for it holds a great deal of memories I desperately continue to hold on to. What used to be a park I enjoyed is now a crime scene for seven deaths claimed by a cartel battle. What was my father's favorite restaurant is now an abandoned building due to the owner's inability to pay the taxes imposed by another cartel. What many hoped would be a police station is now a mass of concrete remnants, testament to the power cartels hold over government officials. Disguised by lies, the city endures and recurrently poses as the metropolis it once was. But to its residents who know the truth, Reynosa, along with the rest of Tamaulipas, is nothing but an ignominy controlled by the drug trade.
It is an issue of great importance, the increasing anguish within the Reynosa territory has now begun to threaten the borders of McAllen. With great fear, we urgently hope the civil war within Tamaulipas does not transfer to our City of Palms. We must come to terms with the situation and realize our metropolitan area will never be what it once was, and that it faces serious problems. Despite the fact that both cities are prospering economically and expanding successfully, it comes with the costs of crime and the deaths of many. It is up to us whether we will become servants to a drug cartel or side with justice, but whatever our future holds, I am confident McAllen will not hold the same fate as Reynosa. We shall continue to watch as events unfold, while Reynosa thrives through drug dealing, kidnapping, and violence; a city fully consumed in self-obliteration, unending.
Fantastic essay! Just a few little tweaks I that I think would make it slightly more succinct.
- "...unyielding distress upon many who live in the metropolitan area"
- "While on the northern side of the border we watch as the crumbling city falls to corruption but prospers as a successful city of drug trade and criminality." This is not a complete sentence, so consider changing it to "On the northern side of the border, we watch as the crumbling city falls to corruption but at the same time prospers as a successful city of drug trade and criminality."
- "...now enclosed in a crooked government system and never ending crime..." You wouldn't say "a never ending crime," so consider changing it to "...now enclosed in never ending crime and a crooked government system" just to make it clearer.
- "...attempted to change its decaying forthcoming." Seems a little over-the-top to me, but if you like it keep it. It certainly isn't wrong.
It was a very well written essay! Great vocabulary and great sentence structure. If I had to advise anything else besides the few grammatical I mentioned, it would be to maybe explain its significance to you a little bit more. Your 3rd paragraph is very moving, but I feel that you could just add a little bit more to it (or maybe even your 4th one) saying why it is so significant to you.
Good luck getting in!
The first three paragraphs are very descriptive and take you through the lifestyle of Reynosa. I really like them.
But I do feel like something is missing in the last paragraph.
"We must... realize our metropolitan area will never be what it once was"
This sounds way too cynical. Lighten it up a bit. Instead, say something like how through long assiduous work, the hope of reforming the metropolitan area might be foreseen. It takes away the disparage tone in your sentence.
"But whatever our future holds, I am confident McAllen will not hold the same fate as Reynosa"
What makes you confident about that? Add a sentence or two describing why you have more faith in McAllen than you do in Reynosa.
"...thrives through drug dealing, kidnapping, and violence; a city fully consumed in self-obliteration, unending."
The semi-colon is incorrectly used here. Either make the clause that comes after the semi-colon a full thought/sentence, or change the semi-colon to a dash.
Also... the use of the word "our". That coincides with the word "you" because it includes the reader. I try not to use it but that's just a suggestion.
That sums up my concerns... it is a really good essay!
Wow, i'm really, really happy i got a reply, thank you both for your imput and i'll certainly make the changes you suggested! It means a lot to me to have it evaluated, and your reply is most reassuring, thanks a ton!! :)
Hey bgracia2,
I'm glad I was able to help. I would be very grateful if you could give my essay a look, too, please. I've been helping a lot of people out, but no one seems to want to return the favor...
