With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.(3000 characters available)
I like knowing how things work. As a little girl, I would sit next to my mother as soon as I saw her revising her students' work on plant anatomy. Her old textbooks on plant physiology fascinated me; the detailed pictures of the intricate inside of a plant's stem transfixed me. My mother answered my questions as best as she could, often shrinking the facts so that my eight-year-old mind could comprehend them. On one page, the plant and its name, on the next, the individual leaf, then, a group of cells, the organelles and their functions; the more pages I turned, the more engrossed I became. As a child, scientific names were forgotten as soon as they were read. The images, however, were carved into my mind and a flame sparked. My International Baccalaureate Biology classes fed that fire; now, a senior in high school, all I can see myself doing is learning more about living tissue and cell behavior, not just how, but why. A whole new world, invisible to the unaided human eye, was suddenly presented to me: the molecular world. I felt the wheels turning as my teacher explained the life processes cells undergo in order to survive; Biology and I were in the same wavelength.
Although I have learned more about cells, this knowledge only brought up more questions in my mind. I know what photosynthesis is and how enzymes are inhibited, but why is Photosystem I most efficient at P700 and why are enzymes not consumed while catalyzing chemical reactions? The questions are never-ending, and though my young ignorance is frustrating, the novelty of learning something new is what attracts me to biology. It is a vast field of study with a plethora of unexplored areas that await for someone to discover them. Oh the many possibilities! Just thinking about making a new discovery, a biological breakthrough, makes me nervous and excited! Yet before that, I need to become more acquainted with biology; that is where the Weiss School of Natural Sciences comes in.
I want to explore the complex, fascinating inner life of cells and raise the current level of understanding in this field of science. Weiss School of Natural Sciences offers outstanding and creative educational programs for biology majors. The department of Biochemistry and Cell Biology (BCB) and its biosciences curriculum has an extensive list of required courses and electives that target specific subjects, such as Bios 440 on Enzyme Mechanisms. Additionally, experience gained with the hands-on research provided, be it on Plant Biology or Microbiology, will help me think outside the box, enhancing what I learn in lectures and textbooks. Like Rice as a whole, Weiss' mission to provide students with the best possible education and the wide range of research activities over which the BCB department spans, are most appealing. The Weiss School of Natural Sciences will prepare me so I can be ready to go on to graduate school and enter the scientific world.
First impressions? I think I was pretty specific. I talk about area of study, biology, and the school of study, weiss ( I didn't really know which one the question was asking) Help me with the grammar! I mean, does it flow? help me with that last sentence, it sounds a little strange but i can't think of how to revise it...Give as many suggestions as you can!! thanks in advance :D
Even when I was a little girl, I sat next to my mother after she came home from work and I would ask her about her students' work on plant anatomy. I was fascinated by the pictures on her huge, old textbooks on plant physiology. My mother explained me everything, in baby terms at least. On one page the plant and its name, on the next, the individual leaf, then, a group of cells, the organelles and their functions; the more pages I turned, the more specific the information. I could not look away. At that age the scientific names were forgotten as soon as I read them. But that was it, the images were carved into my mind and a light was sparked.
^I personally found all of this boring and irrelevant. It seems more like a desperate attempt to convince your reader that you like knowing how things work. I do not see any harm in removing all of the material that I have just quoted.
It is a vast field of unexplored study that is only waiting for someone to discover it
^The vast field of explored study is discovered. That is how you know about it. Your choice of words is wrong.
The Weiss School of Natural Sciences offers outstanding and creative educational programs for biology majors
^If it is 'outstanding', would you like to explain how. 'Outstanding' is subjective, therefore I think it is important that you explain what makes it 'outstanding'. Perhaps, some explanation on 'creative' would also help, so that it appears that you actually have an understanding of the program, rather than just using flattering words in hopes of gaining admission.
Try making your first paragraph in present tense. Bring the reader to that moment of time when you started your fascination with science.
"By studying biology, I want to explore the complex, fascinating inner life of cells and raise the current level of understanding in this field of science study. The Weiss School of Natural Sciences offers outstanding and creative educational programs for biology majors. The department of Biochemistry and Cell Biology (BCB) and its biosciences curriculum has an extensive list of required courses and electives ones that target specific subjects such as Bios 440 on Enzyme Mechanisms"
This comment may be debatable but here it goes. I think the college probably has its fair share of complements, especially for their popular majors (I'm guessing in Bio). They probably know that. Its good to mention what you want to study at Rice, but reflect more on how it is significant to you personally. Being a bit more intimate can make you stand out more. Try looking at Rice's website to find out what its philosophy is and relate that to back to you, your major, and how Rice's learning environment will help you excel in the future.
Cheers
2nd revision
liebe, i feel that the first part is what explains how i got so into bio...
I need to shorten this down though to less than 3000 characters (with space). Right now, it's 3,135. help! (will revise in return)
I like knowing how things work. As a little girl, I would sit next to my mother as soon as I saw her revising her students' work on plant anatomy. Her old textbooks on plant physiology fascinated me; the detailed pictures of the intricate inside of a plant's stem transfixed me. My mother answered my questions as best as she could, often shrinking the facts so that my eight-year-old mind could comprehend them.
^^ This first paragraph was well written. i really enjoyed reading this.
The images, however, were carved into my mind and a flame sparked. My International Baccalaureate Biology classes fed that fire; now, a senior in high school ( ,now, a high school senior (maybe?) or Now, all i can see...? ) all I can see myself doing is learning more about living tissue and cell behavior, not just how, but why.
i see can see why you are having a hard time shortening it, its really good.
