Rice's application is due on New Year's Day! What a wonderful coincidence! I would greatly appreciate brutal feedback!
I really worry that my essay might be too obscure and thus not incomprehensible. :`(
Thank you so much!
The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What personal perspective would you contribute to life at Rice? (500 word limit)
A Chinese proverb says that life is but a pond. My life, however, would be two connected ponds (like a dumbbell), divided in many different ways: "American-origin" versus "Chinese-upbringing," "traditional conservative values" against "newly-acquired liberal beliefs," or "love for roller coasters" against "acute acrophobia." But if I were to throw a pebble into one pond, the resulting ripples will expand until it glides through the other half entirely-I strive for that pebble of variability.
Before I thrived in variability, merely accommodating it was a gruesome process. Growing up in China was like living on another planet, where voiceless students travel through the fog of a developing nation in unisex school uniforms. Even though my appearances blended in with my surroundings, I deviated from the norm: I was the American that spoke a different tongue and read books in another language. Gradually, however, as I began to observe and comprehend the minute differences between individuals-her braces, forbidden from eating pork due to her belief, kept his hair long in accordance to generational traditions-I began to feel like I belonged, for I was similar to the different. But I began to realize that everyone was different.
At that moment, the ripples caused by my moving back to China pacified.
Moving back to America and directly enrolling into high school was overwhelming, as if a mountain was thrown into my lake and water leaked out of my being. Before my return to the U.S., I had never eaten avocado, worn makeup, heard politics publicly debated, seen a Latin American, or knew of the existence of gays and lesbians. But after the initial shock, I immediately clicked to this world where differences are open-mindedly accepted and celebrated. After sudden shifts between cultures, I began to realize that nothing is unusual-all people have to do is embrace it. At Rice, I would be an advocate of equality for all identities and values, for I believe that unconventionals themselves should also accept others' originalities.
Apart from embracing divergence, I found a continent of pebbles.
Open debates required in American schools are the battlefields of conflicting opinions and the birthplaces of life-changing insights; topics can range from an article about vegetarianism to the presidential election. Every intellectual thought I hear creates a ripple in my head that accumulates to become a wave of transformation, and every thoughtful opinion I contribute to the discussion may similarly inspire another. When all minds with the power to think come together, ponds merge, forming a sea of wisdom to learn from the past and construct the future. At Rice, I would strive to become the pebble-thrower, the one who is unafraid to speak to keep others' minds churning.
I benefited from both worlds, understanding each's culture, value, tradition, and language, all of which I would gladly share with whoever is willing to listen. But in the end, I would assume that my two ponds blended since the very beginning, making me who I am now-a petite sea of my own.
Impressive work I must say. Just once I felt the need for a slight change where you mentioned about your life in China. You, maybe unknowingly, are presenting the country in an unlikable manner such as: " ..living on another planet, where voiceless students travel.. ". It gives the idea that you didn't like living there and so didn't try to adjust to that culture.
Otherwise I like your essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Kelly, your personal perspective comes too close to the end of the essay. It would make better sense for you to first indicate the personal perspective that you want to bring with you to the university before you go into this detailed explanation of your family and cultural background. While I understand the importance of Chinese proverbs to the cultural identity and traditions of the Chinese, I don't really sense a need for it to be part of this discussion. Granted that it is descriptive in content, it still does not offer a direct insight into the diverse life and culture that you experience as a person. The proverb tends to make your statement feel generic because it does not really relate to a specific personal perspective in your life based upon your heritage. Try to be more direct to the point in your response. The reviewer will not have the time to wade through your highly relaxing writing style just to get to the contribution that you wish to share with Rice. He only has a few minutes to decide if your essay will give him the answer the essay requires or not. If he decides to set aside your essay for later review, it may be difficult for him to come back to it later on. So let's work on the focus and quick but informative content of the essay instead.
@khizirsiddiqui
Thank you so much for your approval and input! I'll be sure to change that up a bit. I wasn't very sure about how I sure portray my life in China either. :D
@Holt
Thank you so much for your advice! It's incredibly useful---but I am struggling to put my personal perspectives in the beginning, since I'm telling my life experience in a chronological order.
Your opinion regarding the proverb is also very valuable!! I might not take it out of the essay, since it took up much of it and kind of connects the whole thing together, put I will try to connect it to my perspectives in the introduction.
