Rice University Tranfer Essay; 'Wendy the axe murderer'

I am going to get the grammer checked out at the writing center tomorrow but I would like an inital opinion. I have been told that you need to check your humility at the door when your write your admissions essay but does it look like I am bragging or is this acceptable. please give me general advice on the sentence structure as well and the conclusion. Thank you

The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?

Have you called Wendy the axe murderer? My mother asked with a tone that told me her question was rhetorical. I had just completed my arrow of light ceremony to celebrate moving from a cub scout to a boy scout and my first merit badge was personal finance. This merit badge was requiring my timid and introverted 12 year old self to call a banker and set up a meeting to create a savings account. Fearing this telephone call to somebody who I didn't know in a position of authority, I had put it off for as long as I could. To make matters worse my parents had given her the nickname "Wendy the axe murderer" to poke fun at my irrational fear of one of the sweetest old ladies I would ever meet. After the merit badge was complete I realized how ridiculous my fear was and the next meeting I planned with a business was done effortlessly and with confidence.

I give the Boy Scouts of America the credit for most of my accomplishments and unique experiences. From backpacking trips every month I developed an appreciation for the outdoors which led to my passion for biology and my professional cycling career. From the leadership training I was able to develop a leadership program that is still taught by me and multiple others in three day camps all around Texas. This program focused on setting an example and communication skills and writing and implementing the program taught me more about leadership as a fifteen year old kid than I would learn anywhere else. Writing this program seeded my poetry and writing pastimes that would eventually get me published in books and magazines all over the nation. My Eagle Scout project was to build a handicap accessible nature trail and bridge for an area where anyone who was wheelchair bound was forced to see nature from the sidelines. Organizing this project of over fifty volunteers and budgeting thousands of dollars gave me the skills I needed in my job to work my way up from sales associate to coordinating the sales team with countless projects and deadlines. The unique experiences and perspectives that I will bring to Rice have all stemmed from this organization.

As an adult leader for the Boy Scouts of America I have the opportunity to teach troubled youth. As a cyclist I have participated in the Elves and More program that gives bikes away to needy youth all over the nation. I would like to not only race and coach for the Rice University collegiate cycling and triathlon team but I would also like to get the team directly involved with this program. I have seen personally what kind of impact cycling can make on the lives of youth with tough home lives. The downtown Houston location provides the perfect opportunity for Rice University to reach out to urban youth and to introduce them to the culture of cycling and the opportunities cycling provides. I would like to take a leadership role in this organization and do what I can to help the team continue their success and increase their exposure in the cycling community.

As a writer and poet with no formal training and a major in cell biology I will bring something different to the community of writers at Rice University. I love to write anything that will make people laugh and will make them think. I enjoy reading articles by the Rice Thresher and I would like to write articles for the University that are comical, uplifting and will perhaps contribute to your happiest student's ranking by The Princeton Review.

Using all of the leadership and communication skills I learned from the Boy Scouts of America I was able to lead a sales team of twenty two employees. At Sun and Ski Sports there is mixture of all types of cool and shiny sporting equipment and as you can imagine this attracts all types of people. Our location in Houston is right in the middle of both the upper class and lower class part of town. As a sales associate my job was mostly to talk to people and talk I did for hours and hours a day to people of every socioeconomic background and belief system you could possibly imagine. As my skill communicating with everyone who came in grew so did my awareness of the cultural differences between my customers. As I was promoted I was required to deal with more and more customer complaints and issues and I found I was more prepared for this by the appreciation of diversity that I had acquired as a salesperson. I know that Rice University has one of the most diverse student bodies in the world and I think that my experience working and communicating with people from all backgrounds will allow me to make a great contribution to Rice as a student leader.

My love of biology and nature has led me to pursue research as an undergraduate student researcher. The research I am currently involved with is related to the endoplasmic reticulum and the plasma membrane of cells. We are using fluorescent imaging to watch cell processes that have never been seen in such depth and in real time. I believe what I am learning in the lab about plant cell membranes and intercellular communication could have a place in the development of biofuels and enzymes. I would like to take what I am learning this semester and apply it to the research that Rice University is currently involved with in the industrial application of biofuels.

While participation in the Boy Scouts of America in itself does not provide me much to contribute to Rice University the experiences that have stemmed from my involvement in this organization give me much to offer. My early exposure to the concepts of leadership, the morality and integrity that comes with responsibility, and the magnificence of nature that came with earning my Eagle Scout rank have shaped my life in ways that I have just begun to realize. Through my experiences and perspective I would like to contribute to Rice as a leader, an athlete, a writer, and a scientist.

Thank you as you can see I need some help so be critical please.

The first sentence needs quotation marks.

This is very well done. You've done a lot in your life. I wish my own scouting experience had been as good.