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Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science)


kevinchen00723 3 / 10  
Feb 21, 2010   #1
With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study. (1100 characters)

I've always been strongly interested in science. When I was young, I often used to go to either my father's medical office or my mother's engineering firm after school. There I would always find something to satisfy my seemingly uncontainable curiosity, whether observing the making of blueprints or assisting my father with the dissection of pig's hearts for his research. Today, having completed A-Level in Biology and Chemistry, and various science courses in college, I have gained a better understanding of science. What's more, I significantly furthered my interest in such a dynamic subject. I enjoy the ...

after edits:

I watched in sheer awe as the surgeons removed the diseased heart that was covered with yellowish pale tissue from the patient. The view of an empty pericardial sac was surreal. Before I could realize, they had already began sewing the new heart into place. It resumed its strong and regular beat soon after the blood flow was restored. I was utterly overwhelmed. It's been three years since I witnessed that heart transplant surgery, and my interests in medicine had only furthered as time passed. Having completed various science classes in high school and college, I have not only gained an extraordinary wealth of factual knowledge, but also enjoyed the intellectual challenge of having to use facts and judgments to resolve problems, especially in organic chemistry lab where we learned to determine the identity of unknown compounds using a variety of methods. Through my hospital volunteer and EMT training experience, I had the privilege to witness humanity at its best, realized that medicine cannot only save lives, but change lives. Now my goal is simple: Medical School, and Wiess School of Natural Sciences would adequately prepare me to achieve that

any comments would be appreciated! thanks
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Feb 21, 2010   #2
mmm, you dont need the intro sentence, its a common error, in reality this is just a waste of space. but anyway, your just narrating for the first few lines, no, you got create an image, start with something more profound, a specific moment in your lab that really captivated you. I know this is a short essay, but through that moment you can describe your interests in the dynamic subject. There are lots of good images you can think of when researching pig's hearts. Also, this is just a general admissions note, if possible, you want to avoid saying you worked w/ your father, often times this just looks like the silver spoon method, aka you just had everything given to you, you didnt have much initiative. I know this is controversial, but i think if possible(look at hte rest of your app first), but if possible take that part out. Its a little subtle thing that could rub an adcome the wrong way.

Anyway, the reason i emphasize the strong introducing image is because otherwise this essay just reeks of clicheness, another med student whos main goal is to help others puts adcoms to sleep and the whole intellectual challenge idea is just vague jargon, show it through that pig ex or whatever else you might have, that image you convey, you dont need to go two lines talking about it. Also, if possible talk about something specific in this rice academic field, maybe there department is particuarly strong w/ pig research, i dont know, think of something. Pig research is a really interesting topic, use it and its specifics to guide you through your essay. Good luck:)
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Feb 21, 2010   #3
your English is really great~

strongly interested

is strongly the right adverb?

There I would always find something to satisfy my seemingly uncontainable curiosity, whether <you can use a dash here> observing the making of blueprints or assisting my father with the dissection of pig'spigs' hearts for his research.

dynamic subject.

nice usage of the words here. another thing, try not to use the word science too many times.

My love of science, my driving passion to help people, and the substantial exposure to medical profession I have hadhas led me to pursue a career in medicine, the career--one in which I believe I will thrive in and through which I will most benefit others.

keep there parallel.

overall, very nicely written. good luck at Weiss.
little636 2 / 9  
Feb 21, 2010   #4
My love of science, my driving passion to help people, and the substantial exposure to medical profession I have had, led me to purse a career in medicine, the career I believe I will thrive in and through which I will most benefit others.

This sentence is a bit long, I would suggest you cut it down.
Also, why not come up with a more interesting opening sentence? The one you use is pretty obvious and doesn't attract the reader a lot.

Otherwise, this short answer is great. Very specific and straightforward, really argumentative and strong. I like it!
Good luck and please help me with mine if you have the chance :)
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Feb 21, 2010   #5
Hi there,

Nice work here! My main suggestion for you is to keep your language as specific as possible. 'I've always been interested in...' is a very common way to open an essay. Though it may be true, because many applicants write it, it loses some level of authenticity. The same goes for your closing sentences ('benefiting others').

Instead, I'd pull in some specific event that confirmed your interest in the field. What was 'a' moment that cemented your desire to pursue this track? You refer to intellectual challenge--can you cite an example? e.g. cutting-edge research that revolutionized treatment of a disease, a particular topic in your studies, volunteer work, an inspiring professor, etc.

In a short essay like this, just make sure that you keep your content focused and specific. This essay can work to distinguish you from other applicants, so use it as an opportunity to do so!

Cheers,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing
OP kevinchen00723 3 / 10  
Feb 21, 2010   #6
thanks a lot for the help guys! i see the problem with my essay now. heres an improved version. i tried my best to give specific examples and create a strong intro. one thing im slightly confused about is what exactly is this topic asking...am i supposed to just talk about why am i interested in my field of study or should i include specific aspects of Rice's program that im drawn to? with such limited space its hard to cover both. plus the "why rice" question on the application sort of gives room for us to address specific reasons for wanting to go to rice so maybe its unnecessary to do it here?

anyways please let me know what you think of this now! oh and im now 74 characters over limit (1100 with space)...so please help me cut this down without losing any of the ideas im trying to convey. much appreciated!!!!
OP kevinchen00723 3 / 10  
Feb 22, 2010   #7
anyone read my edited version and let me know what you think PLEASE??????
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Feb 22, 2010   #8
:o i'm so tired :/
sorry if im unintelligible

I watched in sheer awe as the surgeons removed the patient's diseased heart that was covered with its yellowish pale tissue from the patient . The view of an empty pericardial sac was surreal. B; b efore I could realize it , <maybe something here you can take out, maybe, replace the

"before..." with "I couldn't see it for long as> they had already began sewing the new heart into place. It resumed its strong and regular <adjectives here are meager> beat soon after the blood flow was restored

... my interests in medicine had only increasedfurthered aswith time passed .
... but also enjoyed the intellectual challenge of having to useusing facts and judgments ... <long sentence. you could shorten>
Through my hospital volunteer and EMT training ... <again, long sentence, shorten the commas and splices>
Now my goal is simple: Medical School, and Wiess School of Natural Sciences would adequately prepare me to achieve that. <ending is somewhat strange, you don't need the colon before med school > My goal is to enter Medical School, and I believe the Wiess School of Natural Sciences will adequately prepare me to achieve that. <sounds better, but more words...means u need less before.>

good luck~
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Feb 22, 2010   #9
You definitely dont need to give reasons for applying to rice if you go by the prompt, but my advice for these essays for these top notch schools is that you SHOULD. You have to show some form of legit interest to get into a top notch school in alot of cases for transferring, because if a school is going to offer one of its few transfer spots, it damn well better be for someone whos going to take it in their mind. Thats always been my opinion, I always feel like you can combine the two but anyway as for what you have...

Yes, this is better, I like the idea you get across in the intro, but i think you could use stronger langauge, awe and surreal are a little overdone but thats not the big thing, more importantly, your description doesnt have much life to it, it doesnt really sound interesting, its hard to describe, but if you read the best essays on this website, i think you'll know what i mean. But take a look at this in the center of your essay "Having completed various science classes in high school and college, I have not only gained an extraordinary wealth of factual knowledge, but also enjoyed the intellectual challenge of having to use facts and judgments to resolve problems, especially in organic chemistry lab where we learned to determine the identity of unknown compounds using a variety of methods. Through my hospital volunteer and EMT training experience, I had the privilege to witness humanity at its best, realized that medicine cannot only save lives, but change lives" I know you had a question about the prompt earlier so im not going to overdo my point here, but this doesnt really answer why your applying and in reality the gaining of facutal knowledge, intellectual cahllenge of using knowledge to solve problems, thats all just soooooooo trite and overdone. You lose the authenticness, impact, image and uniqueness that your essay had in the beginning, and part of it is to me is you might be forcing this image because me and others have said your intro is weak. It doesnt seem like you naturally writing this, but for a short essay i think you can get away w/ that, espec when you seem to have a tendency to fall into these cliche type descriptions and introspection, again, images, something specific, i know in a way there has to be a point you backoff your specific claim, but that doesnt mean you fall into the cliche topics endless science students will. Maybe talk about how you can change lives, but again, watch out, thats another topic very easy to run into a cliche analysis with, i suggest it to you as another possiblity because this intellectual depth thing doesnt seem to be working. Also, i think your fond of your conclusion, but its way too abrput, doesnt flow naturally with the essay, seems forced again, what does the now have to do w/ what you wrote before? Its also might be a sentence fragment(get a grammar expert, i know there have to be some on this site to check it out) but i think your going to have to edit it, although i still think you want to keep some authenticity here, in a short essay, the concluding sentence is invaluable, we talk about images alot, but thats the last image your getting across and it better be pretty good if you want to distinguish yourself w/ the essay.

Anyway, good luck, this is better than before, but you've only really edited half of it in my mind significantly and that half still needs more as i said before and then look into the second half.
OP kevinchen00723 3 / 10  
Feb 23, 2010   #10
Jonathan: thanks for the input!

Simrath: u really seem to know what you are talking about. i was wondering if you would mind reading my other essays?

anyways problem with the prompt is the 1100 characters limit. its impossible to fully address both reasons to study pre-med and to apply. from what i heard the limit used to be 3000 characters. im checking with admission ppl to see what have they got to say about this.

what you said made a lot of sense. english is not my first language so sometimes i struggle with making my description interesting and powerful. i can only try my best. and indeed lots of clicheness in my essay i just realized after you pointed em out. looks like i've got a lot of work to do on this one as i really want to get into rice. thanks a lot for the effort!!!! what schools did u apply to?


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