Hey guys! Can you please correct any grammatical errors? Also, what did you get by reading this? And possible suggestions on how to make it better?
- - - - - - - -- - - - - -- - - - - - -- - - - - - - -
PROMPT #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
At birth, risks are all we know, and everything is new. Yet, we still learn to crawl despite the many bruises we may stumble upon. However, the problems come when we cling too tightly to what we already know. After all, we can't crawl forever-or don't have to at least.
Many times during the past years, I have felt lost and alone, afraid to take risks. In these moments, I could not scream for help because I failed to find anyone who would listen. I felt the pressure of my teachers, my mother, as well as the pressure I was putting on myself. Slowly, I start to drift away and lose hope in myself, not even wanting to talk to my friends or family.
Then one day, I could not stand it anymore. I was at my computer madly typing my English essay when my mother kindly suggested that I rest for a while, but I ignored her and continued typing. My mother then patiently repeated herself and seconds later, her screaming began, "I have HAD enough of this. I am your mother. Show me some respect!" The words triggered me. I screamed at her, "You never help me with anything! You don't even know what the SATs are! And you call yourself my mother?" Furiously, I stared at her.
My eyes saw something that I would have never suspected: a tear running down my mother's left check. My mother who nurtured me cautiously, sacrificing her dreams to help me accomplish mine, was crying. I wanted to fight the tear, angry at it for ruining my mother's beautiful face but I felt ashamed. It seemed so easy for my words to take all of her years of love of me for granted.
I was almost too ashamed in thought to notice that my mom had come over and wrapped her arms around me. She apologized. I wanted to shout, "No! You have it all wrong! It's my fault! I'm sorry, mom" But before I can say anything, my mom said: "Give me a second chance, now won't you?" And a huge smile spread across her face.
I realized then, more than ever, how much my mom truly did care for me. Before, I feared of leaving her in China to go the States. I feared someone not being there for me. I was afraid of taking risks before because I was afraid of being alone. What would I do if I failed? Where would I turn?
But now I understand that when I gain a clearer consciousness of the world I live in, I may still be presented with failures. I thought these failures were harder than the bruises I got when I was young, but the failures are the same, and my mother is still right there to pick me up. It is with her smile on that day in my mind that I asked myself: where would I be without the hunger to explore, the desire to try new things despite the pitfalls waiting for me? I can grow and change and have second chances! Second chances!
And right now is my second chance. I realized that simply resisting from change would not solve the setbacks I may face later. I will be brave and take my chances. I may get hurt and fail over the next four years, but when I do, I know one person who will always be right by my side. I will try my best; give it my best, right now, beyond and later in life. Most importantly, Mom...I love you.
Hello I think that your introduction sentences need to refer to more relevant and specific information about yourself.
Take a minute and read the following sentences as though you were reading someone elses paper:
"At birth, risks are all we know, and everything is new. Yet, we still learn to crawl despite the many bruises we may stumble upon." Why are you talking about bruises and crawling ? Also, is there a more relevant experience you can describe other than when you were a baby..this might help you get more precise detail in your essay. :)
I was moved when you described the confrontation between you and your mom because I myself have been through similar situations, but, honestly this sounds like an apology letter to your mom, and not a response to the prompt you are being asked to answer.
I think you should state more clearly in the first two paragraphs what you're trying to get accross; after reading the first 2 paragraphs I still didn't know what you were up to. State in one clear sentence what you're going to focus on later in the text. Other than that, it reads nicely, I like the flow.
