Correct me with any grammatical, content matters.
Thanks a lot!!
Every summer, my family conquered a different mountain and searched for the most famous and highest peaks in Korea. It was my and my sister's job to schedule all the plans before hiking. We did thorough research on our target and prepared this challenging yet daunting journey from carefully looking for shorter climbing trails to diligently packing our bags, including the bear spray in case of emergency. Because my parents left the entire vacation plan to us, we became quite meticulous after having had a few failures due to lack of information. After summiting our chosen peak, our parents treat us to a "real" vacation-a beach, museum or even a conference on aliens. I suppose they viewed it as a fitting compensation for the rigorous challenge of our climbing.
The first few miles always went smoothly. But soon, true to their notorious reputations, the mountains beat down even the most experienced hikers. Also, the fact that I was a young climber--I was about twelve when I climbed Halla, the highest mountain in South Korea --clearly did not benefit me physically. Climbing steep rocks over and over again with heavy packs, I could see the sunshine only after I passed several ridges surrounded by foggy clouds. However, through the views that I witnessed in the mountains-like the moment that golden sunshine gilded the dew on a baby leaf, I found out that each step to the top has its own distinct value and meaning. The hardest part of climb was when there was only thirty percent left to the top. I moaned in such physical exhaustion that I could not move any more, but my parents responded that they would only leave the decision in my hands, including descent if I so chose. Despite a long and agonizing deliberation, I somehow moved a step forward as the previous sufferings were too valuable to throw away.
The moment at the peak of the mountain, gazing at the grandiose panorama was a life changing experience that washed away all the hardships of the entire journey. The endless greenness and its dynamism could only be expressed through a rapture. Previously, I only had considered hiking as one of our family activities. By now, I know how much influence this tradition had on me. While climbing continuously for the single goal of getting to the top, I was learning how to confront and resolve the difficulty I encountered rather than to avoid and escape it. It proved to me that the end of suffering always comes with its corresponding light. Moreover, it vanquished my fear of devoting myself entirely to the objective regardless of its likely outcome.
In addition, another family activity that I do every break is the tradition of Samchunbae, which is bowing three thousand times. This tradition of prayer is considered to be one of the most honorable challenges among Buddhists in Korea, because it tests one's both physical and spiritual strength. When I went to a temple and started bowing, I physically realized that words were easier than actions. My entire outfit got drenched in sweat, and my legs seemed numb yet painful. Anger, irritation, and tears occupied me. I couldn't understand why I was there. "Why am I bearing all those pains? What good would it do to me?" Though, as I went along, I was slowly adjusting to the pain. When I finally stopped any ongoing emotion including rage and grief, there came a moment of a complete blank; my legs were still bent automatically but I no longer felt anything. In spite of agonies and pains of my body, I found my mind completely untainted. What left after the fierce inner and outer agonies was the sole me. The panorama of memories from my past went through my head, and I felt a humble gratitude for everything that had formed me so far. Samchunbae gave me an opportunity to look back myself. It confirmed me how blessed I was just because of living this moment. It demonstrated that struggles that made me so reluctant were only temporary hurdles to achieve my ultimate dream.
I do not think hiking and Samchunbae gave me the omnipotent power. I still struggle, suffer and fail. However, they have supported me not to be discouraged by previous failures. They awakened me to the world that can so easily convince me of my insignificance. Through hiking and Samchunbae, I constantly tested myself physically and mentally. They are indispensable to tell who I am up to now. Now I am excited for upcoming experiences in college will formulate the future me.
Hey! These are some things I noticed... I hope they help!!
It was my and my sister's job -> it is the job of my sister and I
this challenging yet daunting journey -> this challenging, yet daunting, journey
Because my parents left the entire vacation plan to us, we became quite meticulous after having had a few failures due to lack of information. -> Because my parents leave the entire vacation plan to us, after a few failures due to lack of information, we became quite meticulous .
After summiting our chosen peak -> I don't think that "to summit" is a verb, so you can't write "summiting"
After summiting our chosen peak, our parents treat us to a "real" vacation-a beach, museum or even a conference on aliens. I suppose they viewed it as a fitting compensation for the rigorous challenge of our climbing. -> I think you schould replace this sentence by saying something about how you learned a lot from this routine your family has. For example this sentence you wrote "Previously, I only had considered hiking as one of our family activities. By now, I know how much influence this tradition had on me."
clearly did not benefit me physically -> was clearly a great physical challenge
was when there was only thirty percent left to the top -> is/was always the last thirty percent before reaching the top
but my parents responded -> and my parents responded
including descent if I so chose -> including descent if I chose so
It proved to me that-> I learned that
entirely to the objective regardless of its likely -> entirely to the objective, regardless of its likely
I think all you descriptions of planning and clibing schould be written using present tense since it's something you do every year. Otherwise, you schould put "used to conquer" in your first sentence or replace "every summer" by something else like "Very often during summer" or "when I was young, every summer,"...
to look back myself -> to look back at myself
because of living -> to simply live this moment
Maybe you could be more specific about why these traditions are parts of who you are. Also, you could improve the transition between the two traditions' descriptions because before the conclusion, it's hard to understand why you're talking about both.
Good luck with your application!!
We did thorough research on our target and prepared this challenging yet daunting journey->should change to challenging yet exhilarating
Climbing steep rocks- >climbing steep slopes
with heavy packs->with heavy packs mounting on my back
I think you should make the link between climbing and the Korean tradition more explicit, because it seems a really abrupt change of theme to me:)
Thanks a lot. I'll make the changes
yet, in terms of transition, what about if i entirely exclude the second tradition?
I have another essay and its topic is about this tradition
the reason why i put it in here was i felt like the essay would be too short if i dont
could you give me some advice?
Well, I think it would be right to choose to delete the part about the bending tradition: it would make everything clearer and smoother.
Maybe you could expand on what you learned from it, or how what your learned will help you in college to take the challenges and beat the obstacles...
You can also talk about the fact that you did this in group (with your family): you know, talk about team work, suport of family, and all...
