Any feedback would be helpful please. I understand im not the best writer, but any suggestions would help me out a great deal. Do i need to expand on any ideas here?
Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Seeing a flipped car to my left and a burning building to my right, my eyes focused on the Indonesian men in the distance as they slowly approached our vehicle. In the summer of 1998, my mother and I were caught in the Indonesian riots during the overthrow of the Suharto regime. Lower-class citizens of the country struck out towards the wealthy Chinese Indonesians, blaming them for various economic problems that the country faced. Living as Koreans in Indonesia, it was only a matter of time before we too would be mistaken as Chinese. The protesters soon climbed onto our car and screamed at us to get out. I listened to the sound of my mother desperately reasoning with the men and began to panic. Turning around in a reaction to the noise of a shattering window, I watched as the first of many metal rods smashed against our car. As broken pieces of glass flew through the air, I covered my head and screamed, praying that we would just make it out alive.
This was the world I came from, a world of social injustice. Living as a foreigner in the country of Indonesia, I had faced discrimination even as I walked through the streets. I recall one incident when a man looked at me, pulled back the corners of his eyes and yelled, "Ching chong chang!" Looking up at him, I realized that I was not being ridiculed for my clothes or my actions, but for my race. I came from a harsh world, where even young children were judged simply for looking a certain way. From the political instability I witnessed in the streets of Jakarta to the stories I heard from orphans of martyred parents in Maluku, everywhere I looked there seemed to be a form of injustice.
Years later, I began to grasp the reality of what I had seen that night. The concept of social injustice had always been just a vague idea to me, recognized solely through the dollar bills that I reluctantly dropped into donation boxes. However, recollecting my memories of that dark night, I began to grasp the injustices that this world contained. Many people died that night, innocently killed during the riots just for being Chinese, and I could have become a target just as easily. Social injustice wasn't just some intangible idea to which I was just a spectator, but something I had personally witnessed.
My experiences soon led me to involve myself in helping those who similarly struggled under this injustice. I began to take part in many mission trips, and periodically volunteered at Midnight Mission, where I served food to the homeless of downtown LA. Now, I ambitiously seek to take every opportunity and make a difference for the people in this world.
Hello,
Your topic is well thought out and your situation well explained. I like how you touch the topic of social injustice, but i think you should describe how it affected you in a deeper meaningful way. Basically describe how it affects your goals and aspirations.
Your third paragraph is a little confusing and i didn't understand what you were trying to say or explain. Maybe different diction, sentence structure, and details can help?
I think this will be a fine essay. :)
Hey like I believe that your situation is well explained, but more of elite vocabulary may work better. And remember to make sure to reach your word limit of course. And elaborate, show me, don t tell me. Follow the rules. Great work
