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Rising above the occasion - my leadership qualities, inside and outside out sports - UC Statement

jabbathehut99 1 / -  
Sep 7, 2015   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Above Average

Growing up, I have always observed rather than partook in conversations and social activities outside of my household. During all of elementary and middle school, I was just the average Joe. I never felt the joy of being praised or liked by others because nobody knew who I was or what amazing things I could do, including myself. At family gatherings, I would always hear in butchered English, "You're still so skinny!" or "You haven't grown at all!" My parents would defensively respond, "Nathan is very smart in school though." In truth, I was not very smart, but average. I wanted my parents to brag about me like any other parents who are proud of their children for being amazing at sports or being brilliant inside and outside of school. So when I moved to Irvine, I was given a clean slate to create an identity for myself.

In my first year of high school, my brother forced me to try out for the volleyball team even though I was short and skinny. Surprisingly at the summer camp, my coach told me that I had a natural talent for volleyball. I was skeptical at first because I never had a natural talent for anything, but slowly over the year before tryouts, I observed my fundamental skills to be above average. Over the course of my freshman season on junior varsity, I excelled in all the fundamental skills volleyball had to offer. As a result, I made varsity my sophomore year. My junior year, I was given the role to captain my team where half of the players were at least two years older than me. My coach wanted me to display leadership through skill and work ethic, because I was not the typical strong-voiced motivational speaker.

For half a season, I was doing what my coach wanted me to do, to lead by example. But I felt like I was being the average Joe of captains. Extra pressure was put onto our team when one of our games attracted more students than the bleachers can account for. The first two sets was a battle, but our team managed to win both. There's honestly no way we can lose this, I thought confidently. But there was a momentum shift and we lost the next two sets by a huge margin. Before the start of the fifth set, the looks of weary from my coach and teammates prompted me to raise my voice and take control. My unexpected rise in voice caused my teammates to go above and beyond what was expected as I did with my leadership in the fifth set. Motivational words translated into superb play and teamwork, giving us the fifth set and the game win.

The multiple sequences of rising above what was normal for me lead me to realize that I had leadership qualities, inside and outside out sports. My experiences of rising above the occasion has lead me to realize that how you are defined as a person is never set in stone and that the potential you have to go above and beyond pressures and challenges is what helps you define yourself.

This is my first write up on the spot. Any help is appreciated.
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Sep 8, 2015   #2
Is there a specific reason why most of the players were at least two years older than you when you became team captain in your junior year??? - Admissions Advice Online
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 8, 2015   #3
These are some suggestions to help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: You could say: "When I was younger, I always..." The next sentence: "During elementary..."
"I never felt joy being praised or liked by others, because ..." The sentence in which your parents respond seems incomplete, when you use the word "though" at the end. You can delete "though".

2nd paragraph: I would like to suggest stating "volleyball summer camp" You should form two sentences when you describe your talents and tryouts. First, place a period after anything. Then form another sentence: "Yet, after tryouts, I observed my fundamental skills to be above average." I'm unsure if this is what you were trying to convey to your reader. Describe your transition to varsity as "As a result, I made the varsity team by sophomore year." Here is a suggestion for your next sentence: "My junior year, I became captain of my team and played with seniors".

3rd sentence: attracted more students than the bleachers can account for : You could say: "became overcrowded". To avoid "but" at the beginning of your sentence, you can replace it with "Yet, there was a momentum..." The next sentence state "fifth set, looks of weariness..." The next sentence place a comma after expected. I'm confused by the last sentence. Do you mean the motivational words by your coach? You can delete "game".

4th paragraph: When you use sequences it is confusing. You could use "My varied experiences of...outside of sports" Each experience you had probably was different because you were playing a sport. I also want you to notice that I only corrected parts of this first sentence. Place a comma after occasion.

I hope this helps!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 9, 2015   #4
I have a few suggestions that might help.

- ..than partookpartake in conversations...

- InM y first year of high school,...
- but slowly over the year before tryouts,
- ...I slowly observed my fundamental...
- I made to varsity on my sophomore year.

Your essay and life story is a classic living proof of, if there's life, there's hope and never loose hope. Strive for the best and never compare yourself to anyone, instead, look at them as role models to make a name for yourself.

Now, on your essay, it was written good, however mind the following;

- verb tenses
- a little bit of sentence construction

Best of luck!!!

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