Hello everyone, I am applying to UC this fall and would like some feedback on my personal statement for the general prompt.
Here is the prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Here is my essay:
Since graduating high school, I'm most proud of my ability to construct a future by designing a step-by-step plan to achieve my college education. When I was young, my parents took a risk to bring their children to the U.S. from Mexico, leaving everything they knew so we'd have the opportunity for a better life. Also, they helped support their families by dropping out of school and going to work with their parents raising animals and growing crops. So they spent their childhood laboring from sunup to sundown with a limited education. Once in California, my parents constructed new lives as they began adapting to a new culture with the help of relatives here in the U.S.
Although my parents had limited options and educational opportunities, they've continued to model their positive qualities including a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility while building a future for their children. Today, my dad still works hard in construction, yet comes home extremely tired and aching while my mom works long grueling hours in a meat market so we could experience greater future opportunities in education. Now I've decided to contribute my strong sense of responsibility and hard work ethic to succeed in earning a college education as the key in building my long-term success and constructing financial stability for my future as well as my parents' long term needs.
Second, I'm also proud of my ability to survive one weekend working with my dad digging a ditch around the entire back yard to put a new sprinkler system. For the next seven hours, my dad and I dug, and then spent an additional two hours to install the sprinklers. Exhausted and tired, my dad told me, "Imagine doing this every day of your life." Until that day, I'd never realized the physically laborious work my dad performed every day during his lifetime. In fact, my dad's immense jobs consisted of providing irrigation systems throughout entire communities with the constant stress from his boss to finish a task on time. This weekend experience provided me an honest reality check by making me realize the necessity of a college degree while also gaining a tremendous amount of respect for my father's tenacity and strength to continue such difficult work I could barely survive in a weekend with my dad.
Currently, I'm attending Oxnard College completing my transfer prerequisites majoring in Civil Engineering. My short term goal includes transferring to University of California in fall 2016 to pursue my Bachelor's Degree in Civil Engineering. My long-term goal includes continuing my education by acquiring my Master's Degree in Structural or Water Resources Engineering to help others with constructing and maintaining infrastructure while also rebuilding and designing new structures. After watching my parents struggle without an education to build and support my sisters and me, I've decided to commit my hard work ethic to attend college while also fulfilling my parents' goals of a better life. Over the years, I've admired my dad's driven determination in helping people build structures as well as bringing water resources to them through efficient pipeline systems. Since then, he has influenced me to study my major of Civil Engineering to make a difference for others in communities while also supporting my family.
Thank you!
Jerry, the way that you developed the essay is all wrong. You are concentrating on your parent's struggles to start a new life and give you and your siblings a new future instead of concentrating on yourself. The essay that you presented does not offer the correct response to the prompt provided. What you have given the reviewer is a background of your parent's life. Not your life. There is no real quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or personal experience on your part located within this essay. The essay you developed speaks 80 % of the time about your parents and not yourself. So you cannot use this essay for this prompt. However, you can use this essay for prompt number 1.
I believe that you should just change the slant of your prompt so that you won't have to write a totally new essay. Don't even try to make this essay fit the prompt because that is not going to work. The direction of your story is just too different from the actual prompt requirements. If you analyze the content of your essay, it is really better suited to the following prompt requirement:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
From the way I analyzed your essay information, the background about your parents and how they have helped you develop your future plans really fall under the criteria for this prompt better than the one that you originally chose. The information you have chosen to share with the reviewer really falls more under the identity and background requirements of this prompt than anything else. I hope that you will consider changing the prompt instead.
Should you opt to stick to the original prompt that you tried to respond to, you will need to revise your essay in order to really show a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you and no, successfully helping your father install a sprinkler system for one day does not count in this instance.
What you have to discuss is something that you are proud of because you accomplished it on your own. For example, you can say that you have a talent for developing simple farming solutions. Then one time, you saw your father having a hard time regarding some chore he had to do at one farm and it got you to thinking about a simple solution to the problem. You can explain the simple solution that you developed and how it successfully helped your father complete his task. That is certainly a personal talent and accomplishment that should be important to you. So you should definitely be proud of it because it has helped you become a better person.
This essay should not focus on your parents if you opt to stick to the original prompt. My personal opinion, is that you should just use the prompt I suggested for this essay so that you won't have to write a totally new essay. That is, unless you want to write a new essay so you can better respond to the prompt of your choice. The decision is yours :-)
Working hard for your future- UC Personal Statement Prompt
Hello everyone, I would like some feedback on my personal statement. The prompt is as follows:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Since coming to the United States, I have been most proud of my my hard work ethic not only in athletics, but also, in my education that is very important to me and my family. When I was young, my parents took a risk to bring their children to the U.S. from Mexico, leaving everything they knew so we'd have the opportunity for a better life. Also, they helped support their families by dropping out of school and going to work with their parents raising animals and growing crops. So they spent their childhood laboring from sunup to sundown with a limited education. Once in California, my parents constructed new lives as they began adapting to a new culture with the help of relatives here in the U.S. Although my parents had limited options and educational opportunities, they've continued to model their positive qualities including a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility while building a future for their children. Today, my dad still works hard in construction, yet comes home extremely tired and aching while my mom works long grueling hours in a meat market so we could experience greater future opportunities in education.
With my dad being a construction worker, I have come accustomed to participating in home construction projects with him. However, in doing so, I have also realized the grueling and demanding work he does and learned the value of hard work and my father's sacrifice in earning a living to support our family. Eventually in my early teens, I realized I wanted to be successful in life in order to lead and provide for my parents later in life, so they no longer would have to struggle to survive. This reality check started to shape up my future by deciding to apply my hard work ethic I acquired from my parents to become successful in life.
As a young kid, I always had a passion for baseball. With my strong work ethic, I have been able to accomplish many achievements such as best offensive player in my varsity baseball high school team while also receiving first team all-league honors. However, due to constant arm injuries, I had to stop playing baseball to continue on with my education. Still, day in and day out, I worked hard in high school on my baseball skills but also more importantly, on my education. I managed to graduate in the top five of my class in high school and given the privilege to say the pledge of allegiance in our graduation ceremony. I've continued on with my hard work ethic in college as I have successfully completed many of my prerequisite classes. While majoring in Civil Engineering, I have been able to have the opportunity to eventually transfer from a community college in two years being a major which usually takes three years plus for others.
Growing up, I've watched my parents' struggle supporting my sisters and me, so, I've decided to contribute my strong sense of responsibility and hard work ethic to succeed in earning a college education as the key in building my long-term success and constructing financial stability for my future as well as my parents' long term needs. Currently, I'm attending Oxnard College completing my transfer prerequisites majoring in Civil Engineering. My short term goal includes transferring to University of California in fall 2016 to pursue my Bachelor's Degree in Civil Engineering. My long-term goal includes continuing my education by acquiring my Master's Degree in Structural or Water Resources Engineering to help others with constructing and maintaining infrastructure while also rebuilding and designing new structures. After watching my parents struggle without an education to build and support my sisters and me, I've decided to commit my hard work ethic to attend college while also leading the way for my parents and giving them a better life. Over the years, I've admired my dad's driven determination in helping people build structures as well as bringing water resources to them through efficient pipeline systems. Since then, he has influenced me to study my major of Civil Engineering to make a difference for others in communities while also supporting my family.
Thank you!
