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Ritsumeikan University undergraduate application essay; What are you proud of?

Iscoo 1 / 3  
Feb 22, 2019   #1
Write about past experience that you are proud of and how you intend to apply this experience in Global Studies Major at Ritsumeikan University
300 words

I finished writing this essay about a month ago and just needed some feedbacks to finalize :)

overcoming language and cultural barriers

Throughout my childhood, I moved to new places and new schools frequently. Never having the joy of growing up with a best friend in the same neighborhood, at first I blamed my parents and regretted my decisions that led up to me moving every two years. But in the end, I realized that this experience was the most powerful card in the deck.

Moving to New Zealand at 11 years old, not knowing how to speak English and feeling isolated by strangers' glares were enough to scare me to adjust to reality and into solitary. I had to adapt to their culture and languages in order to stand up for myself and my younger brother. Three months into the jungle, I was able to fight back a child who verbally abused me with racist slurs.

Next destination was Canada, where instead of feeling frightened, I elaborated what I've learned in New Zealand to immerse myself into the new community. I grew up with people with broaden perspectives and acceptance towards other cultures, allowing me to apprehend their principles and enriching mine as well. By overcoming language and cultural barriers as a student with English as their second language, I felt proud and confident by the time I came back to Korea.

It is because these combination of experiences, that made me who I am today. Going through adversities and learning to stand up for myself helped to endure hardships and adapt to surroundings. This paved my way into becoming a person who is not abided to entitled perspectives, but a person who accepts and adapts to different aspects of culture. By studying Global Studies in Ritsumeikan University, I aim to apply my past experience to support the surrounding environment and widen student's perspectives into becoming global leaders.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,108 3259  
Feb 23, 2019   #2
I believe that there is too much anger in this essay for it to be a "proud" statement essay. There is actually no reference as to what lessons you learned and how you can apply these within any subjects being taught under the Global Studies major of the university. Rather than being such an angry statement of how you fought off bullies and learned to fend for yourself, you should be discussing, at the very least, how you used diplomacy to resolve the social adjustment issues you had in school with every country that you moved to. A global studies major would be a pacifist who knows how to make friends and peace, create acceptance and tolerance, in the face of bullying and physical altercations. I do not sense any of these abilities in this essay. All I learned was that you did not adjust well to your new environments and that you learned how to fight back. Your return to Korea does not indicate any method by which you applied any of the lessons that you learned when dealing with people of other cultures while you were overseas. The essay falls on the weak side due to the lack of justifications relating to lessons learned, how you applied the lessons in your life, and how it has helped you become a person who can better interact with others during times of dispute or conflict, which is the whole point of being a global major.
OP Iscoo 1 / 3  
Feb 23, 2019   #3
Thank you so much for your feedback! I get what you mean now that I've reread my essay. Thank god I realized this before submission.

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