Hey guys! Below is my response to Macalester's prompt, 'What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally? '.
The deadline is in 24 hours, and I will appreciate any critique. Needless to say, I promise to review your essay in return.
(There is no word limit)
In 1915, drawing inspiration from the indecisiveness of his friend Edward Thomas during their long walks, Robert Frost penned the beautiful poem, "The Road Not Taken".
In December 2013, I arrived at a cross-road of my own - whether or not to spend substantial time and money applying to US universities, or to continue preparing for the IIT-JEE examination. After some retrospection, I convinced my parents that the Indian post-secondary education system would not successfully cater to my passions, and began my search for the right American college. My top factors affecting this search were academic flexibility and rigor, financial aid, location, and diversity of the student body. Needless to say, Macalester was the only one that fulfilled all the criteria - the 'Holy Grail'!
The first thing that struck me about the College was the sheer breath of opportunities it offered. From a host of internships to semester abroad programs, from a vibrant nightlife in the Twin Cities to research opportunities right from the first semester, Macalester would provide everything to ensure that I have a holistic and meaningful college experience. I plan to double major in Computer Science and Environmental Studies, and a Mac education would go a long way in giving me the best of both worlds. The opportunity to battle it out with the best in the Putnam Mathematics Competition, to conduct research in fields as varied as parallel computing and robot navigation, and to engage with world-class faculty is what the Macalester experience would guarantee me.
I have always believed that change in society only comes through concerted efforts at the lowest levels, and have endeavored to live my life by this creed. Macalester's commitment to form community relationships speaks to me at a very basal level, and I would absolutely cherish the chance to work with the many motivated souls on campus. It would be a wonderful learning experience to participate in any of the clean-energy initiatives undertaken by The Macalester Conservation and Renewable Energy Society (MacCARES). The EcoHouse project in particular appeals to me due to its freedom to experiment and the chance to learn collaboratively. Reading about the experiences of Julia, Meg, Maars and Mickey on the EcoHouse blog, their journeys of transformation from average teenagers to eco-maniacs with formidable knowledge about composting and vermiculture, veritable skills in soap-making and vegetable preservation, has only made me more fervent to participate in this awesome culture of sustainable living! Alyssa Markle's post in The Orange has even got me excited about the 'Outdoor Environmental Education' course, and if admitted, I would love to avail of this opportunity to relate my classroom experience to actual interaction with students.
I am confident that I would be able to contribute positively to the Macalester Yoga Club and the Macalester Martial Arts Club, owing to my extensive experience with yoga and karate. Browsing through the list of student-run clubs at Mac, I was surprised to notice the absence of any body for enthusiasts of radio-controlled machines. Last year, with the help of my elder brother, I assembled and flew my very own quad-copter, and that feeling of joy still remains with me. If admitted, I would love to form a 'Macalester RC Club' and introduce the students to this wonderful and fulfilling hobby.
I am the first person in my family applying to any American university, let alone one as selective as Macalester. Understandably, my parents are anxious. I on the other hand, am hopeful; confident even. I am confident that four years down the line, when I look back to this day, I can sigh a content man's sigh, wise in the knowledge that I took the path less traveled.
I am confident that four years down the line, when I look back to this day, I can sigh a content man's sigh, wise in the knowledge that I took the path less traveled.
wise in the knowledge, this phrase doesn't make sense
Needless to say, Macalester was is the only one that fulfilled all the criteria - the 'Holy Grail'!
I think the first two paragraphs contain a logical transition and could be combined in one paragraph.
If you mentioned about Indian education, you should complete your statement, elaborate why it doesn't fit you.
In the fourth paragraph, your theme is" to form community relationships", but I get almost only your academic curiosity in the following lines, I think there's a gap.
The prompt actually asks how would you contribute academically, you miss this part.
Besides the coherency, All the details are veryyyyy good!!
Nice to see your essay new dude~~~
Hi
Indian post-secondary education system would not successfully cater to my passions,
Why is that?Try to provide reason why the domestic education is the worst compared to American.
Another solution can be that you have to write your future goals after the graduation of Mac.
Overall,it seems to me a very strong statement of purpose!
Hi! I'm new here, and don't mean to step on any toes with what I'm going to say, but there WERE some minor errors I found.
1. "cross road" should be "cross roads."
2."retrospection" doesn't fit here (in my opinion)...I would change it to "investigation," or even better, "careful consideration."
3. "breath" should be "breadth"
4. "to research opportunities RIGHT FROM the first semester" = repetitive in the scheme of the sentence...I would change it to "to the availability of research opportunities during the first semester"
5. When you introduce the yoga club, i would say "In addition," before "I am confident"...right now the sentence seems awkwardly placed because you don't have an introduction to it.
6. Then, I would take out the "on the other hand" (it doesn't make sense anyways; you are still talking about physical activity and you make it seem like you will do EITHER the yoga club or the triathlon club -- don't limit yourself right off the bat!), and I would make that sentence a complex one with the previous sentence...i.e.: "In addition, I am confident that I would be able to contribute positively to the Macalester Yoga Club and the Macalester Martial Arts Club, owing to my extensive experience with yoga and karate, at the same time as utilizing the Triathlon Club to help me remain fit and bond with fellow athletes."
7. Last paragraph: You say "confident even." and then launch right into "I am confident that..." REPETITIVE, BIG TIME...change "confident" the second time, to "sure" or "positive"
overall, though, your essay is great! They're sure to love it!!
