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'Robotic career' - Stanford


sharey125 2 / 11 2  
Nov 26, 2012   #1
Guys feedback on this would be awesome this is my top dream school.
Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
Every child wants to be engulfed in the wonders and fantasies of Disney. The memory of going there with my family frequently is the reason that I went there a lot. Being a little girl going to Disney was amazing especially when your house was only five minutes away! The rides were awesome, terrifying and vomit inducing but nonetheless it was the most fun I have ever had. As a young child imagination tends t o grow wild but my thoughts went to how to reconstruct the robots and mechanics that Disney offered that gave me my love for robotics.

I lived in Orlando, Florida where everything seemed like a party and your worries wouldn't be considered. I had really bad struggles living there because my grandpa had just found out there was cancer in his lungs. My life was quickly turned upside down. There were chores for me, more than a girl at nine would have and I was the support system not just for my little brother but my mother as well. Those months seemed to be the hardest because there were days you could only feel sad and soon the whole family had nothing to smile about but to hope instead. However we had soon to learn a common interest, Disney. My grandpa worked in Disney and it's a place we visited quite frequent because it made us remember the good times in our lives together and that we were still alive.

Since I went there regularly I began to notice the details in the rides I like going to the most. The robotics in them made me so enthusiastic about the attractions. They would sing, dance and even throw water. There was an attraction in where the character Lilo goes out of his jail and starts spitting everyone but it's so dark you can only see it two times and the guns shoot you. It was so real and sync I tried to see how they were made; therefore, it was an attraction that I tried to keep a close eye on. When I went home I gathered an abundant of toys. I dissembled a car and a robot to cover the mechanics of my very own robot character. My obscure thoughts were only really based on an important facet, which was that the characters were very realistic. Based on that I then gathered Barbie's for a realistic feel on my robot. At the end of the day I just wound up making a huge mess by having scattered springs, batteries, wires and random parts then being unable to repair them. However even if my own robot didn't work out I got to see how I hard needed to try and research. The world of robotics doesn't stop there with me. I tried to recreate anything in my sight and let it use mechanics it originally didn't even have.

Robotics is now a passion I have. I can't say I can create a robot now but I want to learn how, Disney opened a window for me that I can see the details from the wires used to which batteries work better. I now want to go to a school for engineering. With patience I will succeed and that's what it takes to be a robotic engineer. My career is hopefully going to help me create inventions in which can help the people who work hard and by using my machine can feel like everything else is going to be easier for them.

The success for a person comes from a big bang and Disney was that for me. It enlightened me and showed me a world I can create. I now have a love for robotics. I plan to also use this as an outlet in order to have a connection with my family and how we were in Florida. Disney is the greatest place on earth for me because I now have a passion.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
To tighten up the beginning more, I would say something like
While every other child was engulfed in the magic of Disney, I wondered about the robotics and mechanics of the rides etc etc etc" to open up the essay and form the background story.

I would tighten the essay up by reconstructing the sentences or wording, like you said "cancer in the lungs" when you can just say lung cancer. And "my life was quickly turned upside down" when it can be "my life quickly turned upside down"
bintadiallo 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2012   #3
I feel as if you should talk about how every other child was engulfed in the magic of Disney, but you were more interested in reconstruction of robotics and mechanics rather than adding that you went there for the memories in the beginning. Also, at the end of your essay you say that robotics is now a passion you have and then again you say you now have a love for robotics, I think they get it. Overall, your essay was great. I think it's interesting how Disney was the background for your gaining a passion for robotics and mechanics. Like aleckdanielle said tighten up your essay, and you should be good. Good Luck!
OP sharey125 2 / 11 2  
Nov 27, 2012   #4
Ok, so does the part talking about why Disney seem irrelevant? I was trying to connect it to emotion with that.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 27, 2012   #5
I don't think it's irrelevant. It helped spark your passion for robotics. I would omit as much unnecessary thingsabout Disney that don't add to your essay.

Also, the first paragraphs voice is different than the rest of the story I think.
Eunhae126 3 / 16 6  
Nov 27, 2012   #6
I like how you switched from Disney to robotics. Smart move. It gets the reader thinking about Disney, but you're actually talking about robotics. Take out the details about Disney though.

-"worries wouldn't be considered." worries really weren't considered.
-"I had really bad struggles living there because my grandpa had just found out there was cancer in his lungs." Show us this, instead of telling.

-"There were chores for me, more than a girl at nine would have and I was the support system not just for my little brother but my mother as well. " What chores? Be specific. Why were you mother's support system?

-"quite frequent" frequently
-"it made us remember the good times in our lives together and that we were still alive." have parallelism in your sentences
-"I can't say I can create a robot now but I want to learn how, Disney opened a window for me that I can see the details from the wires used to which batteries work better." 2 separate sentences

-Did you not have passions before? Or were you not as passionate about anything as much as you were/are for robotics?

It's interesting to read someone's passion for robotics, since I am the co-founder/president of the robotics club at my school. Good luck!
Doom 13 / 37 2  
Nov 28, 2012   #7
isnt the word count for this stanford essay 250 to 330? i thought the supplements were meant to be much shorter?
OP sharey125 2 / 11 2  
Nov 28, 2012   #8
Thanks that feedback was great.

I ended up using this for another college and the max was 1,000 words.


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