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Robotics club and mentorship - Tell us about who you are. UBC

KrTh 1 / 1  
Nov 13, 2022   #1
This is a personal profile short essay for UBC. Please could you give me some feedback? Thanks.

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you?
If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why.

(maximum 1500 characters)

From a close friend, older brother and an ambitious leader, to a learner and dedicated worker, people note me as someone who can adapt to any situation. Being student council president (8,11,12) at (name of school), head of the robotics club, and a STEM mentor for youth gives me the chances for being someone who can take initiative and inspire others to learn more. I strive to refine every weakness I exhibit by taking the initiative to seek discomfort and meliorate(correct word?) my flaws. Commitment, being one of my defining qualities, is shown through my dedication and diligence of playing Soccer, the guitar, and volunteering in non-profit organizations for over six years.

I tend to take leadership opportunities head on using my spirited(?) voice to steer people in the right direction. This demands strong attention to detail which also helps me deal with young stem prospects that I teach. Although I was not born a leader, I have grown out of my once restricted shell to reach into a variety of communities that would usually not be in my interest. This taught me the importance of leadership, either by listening to others or through working collectively for a common goal.

What am I most proud of?? (missing)(what else should i include/add)

There are also some things in brackets like little notes idk about
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,410 4391  
Nov 13, 2022   #2
The essay is responding from the writer's assessment of his friendship, role as a child and sibling, and academic community member. That is not the correct point of view to write this essay from. This is a third person point of view, giving heavy weight to the opinion of others regarding the best character points of the applicant as a child, friend, and community participant. While this essay touches upon it somewhat, it does not really combine in a proper manner to offer a solid reason for the applicant to be proud of his character based upon other people's opinion of him/her. Only by correctly envisioning himself in the correct scenarios can the correct response presentation be achieved. So this essay needs to be rewritten rather than revised. The response is not applicable to the question which is why the writer cannot think of something to be proud of about himself. This is a third person character based essay. It only enters first person pronoun mode when speaking of something he/she is proud of.
OP KrTh 1 / 1  
Nov 14, 2022   #3
So I am a little confused by this response. What exactly would I need to change to improve this?


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