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Rochester Short essay 150 words edit


Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Meliora: 'Ever better' - The University's motto, Meliora, directs our focus toward continual improvement through research, understanding, and collaborative efforts. Offer and example from your personal experience of an obstacle you faced or a problem you identified. Describe the actions you took and the result.

Dos. Ever since I was born, my life revolved around things in twos: two sisters, two parents, two cars, but sometimes it became difficult to separate myself from those twos, especially as a twin. Being the same height, same size and having the same hair style as my twin, I had to work to differentiate us as two different people, instead of an item. In middle school, I decided to change my wardrobe, my hair color, and my hobbies; however, in my futile attempt to set us apart, I only brought us closer. We developed the same group of friends, and I slowly began to realize that there would always be similarities between us. It took me branching out, and becoming someone I was not, to realize that although my life has always been in twos, I will always be my own person. Uno.

If you think I should add something or take something out or you don't think it follows the prompt please let me know. I still have some words I can add so changes can be made easily.

Thank you
alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
I quite like this great job and you answered the prompt but you didn't really state a result, like did it have a negative effect. Also your essay is 50 words too long they asked for 125 words or less.
farri 2 / 2  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
I really like your essay, but a result is missing.

In my opinion you have fulfilled the promt (if you add a result).

please help me in return ;)
brookelanae 7 / 15  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
The essay was pretty good. I saw the result, you coming to your final conclusion, but perhaps you could find a way to elaborate a bit more upon it? I feel like you took too much space telling your story and suddenly realized you were running out of room, so you threw the ending in there.

I would appreciate it if you'd look over my essay as well. [:
OP Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
I edited my essay it is 148 words, I added a result, but it has to be around 130 please help.
plittplatt11 5 / 29  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
you don't really need to say extra hard in "I had to work extra hard to differentiate.."

Change "we developed the same friend groups" into we developed the same group of friends, and I eventually realized that similiarities between my sister and myself were inevitible...it'll flow a little better and cut down on a few words!
yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
You re-edited one is much better than your first.
I also think that you did a better job of concluding your whole topic.
It's definitely original annnnd you did great :)
alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
The Essay Question
The Rochester Curriculum - University of Rochester students enroll with no required subjects as they design their own college path. Write about the subjects and learning situations that interest you most, and how you intend to use your autonomy here.

My response
As I matured, I was perpetually asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Despite the monotony of the inquiry, I always enthusiastically set about describing my prospective career path. As to be expected, my response varied numerous times over the years, but now I aspire to be a gesticulating psychologist in Congress. Consequently, I believe the University of Rochester is the perfect medium to implementing my uniquely designed career objective as I intend to capitalize on my autonomy by triple majoring in American Sign Language, Political Science, and Psychology. Moreover, Rochester warrants me the ability to carry out with my educational desires and research without drastically exaggerating my college career as there is not a core curriculum.

Do you think it needs more? Does it follow the prompt?

The Essay Question
Meliora: 'Ever better' - The University's motto, Meliora, directs our focus toward continual improvement through research, understanding, and collaborative efforts. Offer and example from your personal experience of an obstacle you faced or a problem you identified. Describe the actions you took and the result.

My response

Hu Jintao, Mahmoud Ahmajinedad, Vladimir Lenin, Mikhail Gorbachev-I furiously scribbled the nomenclature of country leaders in the margin of my page until I realized I could not accurately match a face to each name. I sat idle; the quiz consisted of multiple smudged black and white photographs jammed together on a page with the only instruction being to identify each blob correctly. I admitted defeat, and I turned in my jumbled work. Nonetheless, unhappy with my profiling skills, I approached my teacher for assistance. After attempting copious methods of memorizing countenances, I ultimately achieved success. By creating a PowerPoint presentation with pictures and identifying features for each leader I can adroitly identify Hu Jintao by his wire rimmed glasses and Lenin by his moustache goatee. Facial recognition assessments no longer hinder me.

I promise to read your essay if you read mine. Tell me what you think. Harsh words are much appreciated
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
Okay, your responses are pretty good, but you have a serious problem with vocabulary here. Sure the words you choose are college level, but you should never oversaturate your writing with giant words because it becomes really difficult to read. Dumb down the vocabulary, and I think you will do just fine.
essceejay216 4 / 51  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
"carry out with my educational"

"college career as there is not a core curriculum "

"exaggerating my college career" is not a good way to put it. instead put something like "prolonging my college career"

it does follow the prompt and it is very clear.

The second essay isn't that great. The subject matter is nothing to get excited about. Not that you have to write something super exciting, but it needs to at least be mildly interesting. This is not going to cut it. It doesn't seem like a true obstacle, it just seems like a common occurrence, like "i didn't study, so i didn't do good on the test. But when i studied, i did good on the test."

Contrary to what the person above me said, the vocabulary is fine, in my opinion. it doesn't seem forced or like you are trying to impress anyone. I had to look up one of the words (gesticulating), but it was nothing major. Never dumb yourself down unless you aren't truly comfortable with using "giant words".

Good luck!

Read mine, please?


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