Can anyone please critique my essay!!!
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this experience makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Pablo, you have a small crimp hold to the right of your head!" shouts Jose, while belaying me. I try to comprehend what he is saying, but it is hard when you are dangling seventy feet above the ground, while hanging on to the limestone. Sweating profusely, I reach into my chalk bag and rub the powdery mixture between my rugged hands to create more friction. The amalgam of limestone and chalk creates an intoxicating smell. Looking up at the perilous obstacle ahead of me, I see the tiny crimp on the mountain wall. Fatigued and exasperated, I lunge at the crimp and barely manage to catch it with my fingertips.
This talent and sport, which I am most proud of and represents me the most is rock climbing. It is truly hard trying to describe to someone who knows little about me, my fervent passion for rock climbing and how even after a year of discovering this sport, I still find it exhilarating reaching the top of a seventy foot ledge.
In a mere time period of one year, rock climbing has changed me, physically and emotionally. When I look at pictures of myself from over a year ago, I am often even embarrassed to look at them because I do not even recognize who I was. The pictures, however, do serve a purpose because they are remnants of my past and represent how much rock climbing has changed me as a person. As I look at my old pictures, I see a chubby and reclusive young man, who was reluctant to speak in public. However, rock climbing, in a way, has symbolized my rebirth as a person. I have since lost thirty five pounds, which has made me a much more confident person. I feel stronger, leaner, more amiable and everywhere I go, I walk with a sense of confidence and self-respect. Whenever obstacles stand in my path to success, I have learned to persevere over them, just like I do when rock climbing. At times, it has been hard trying to find time for rock climbing, but this sport has taught me time management because I have learned to balance my passion and responsibilities as a student. One of the biggest changes I feel I have made is that I now enjoy speaking in public because it gives me a sense of empowerment.
One memorable climbing experience was my first time climbing outdoors in Joshua Tree National Park. Joshua Tree has some of the most beautiful rock formations imaginable and the adrenaline rush one gets when climbing them is indescribable. When I reached the top of one of my climbs, I was drenched in sweat and full of bruises, but that was all overshadowed by the sense of accomplishment I felt. I do not usually climb outdoors, but those few times I have remind me of why I wish to continue in college.
All the sweat, hard work, and arduous training I have invested in rock climbing shows how passionate I am about this sport, but also represents the transformation I have made into a more confident person, a transformation I hope to continue in college.
You're essay is actually very very vivid. It's awesome that rock climbing has changed who you are, for the better.
IMO, you should enlighten on 'why I wish to continue in college.' It'll help your essay in showing why you think it's important
It is truly hard trying to describe to someone who knows little about me my fervent passion for rock climbing -- how even after a year after discovering this sport, I still find it exhilarating reaching the top of a seventy foot ledge.
Comma:
Joshua Tree has some of the most beautiful rock formations imaginable, and the adrenaline rush one gets when climbing them is indescribable.
I think you can do a little more to connect it to college. Perhaps you should give details in the last sentence:
...transformation I hope to continue as a Biopsychology major at Tufts University.
