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'the rolling waves of the ocean' - meaningful event Florida admissions


danielladelucia 4 / 17  
Oct 16, 2011   #1
please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. (500 words)

The boat rhythmically swayed to the rolling waves of the ocean. The only thing in sight was blue- a deep, dark, shade of blue. All I could hear was the gentle hum of the engine at trolling speed, the wind slowly whizzing past my ears, and the occasional call of a lonely Frigate bird off in the distance. We were far away from any signs of shore; it was just me, my dad, and a sea full of dolphin awaiting our capture.

Earlier that day, we had a stroke of luck nailing three keepers, but now, it seemed as if the all-you-can-eat buffet was closed. As we patiently waited for our next catch, we talked about life, the future, and all the other deeper topics we normally didn't touch upon. Fishing with my dad is always our time to bond, relax, and "get away" for awhile. It's our oldest tradition, ever since I caught my first fish on a hot pink, Barbie, fishing rod.

Just as we were joking around, it finally hit. The initial shock of the line spooling off the reel snapped us into a realization- "We gotta fish!" I popped from my seat like a sizzling kernel, bounded to the pole, and yanked it from its holder. My dad instinctively throttled down while I set the hook. With all my might, I pulled up, and reeled down, pulled up and reeled down, but the line just kept going!

"Oh my gosh! I think we've got a Bull Dolphin!" exclaimed my dad. "We're going to need to follow this fish until it slows down if we want to bring it to the boat!"

And just like that, as if it was responding to my dad's words, I watched as the Mahi-Mahi leaped from the ocean's surface. It's skin glistened brilliant shades of bright yellow, blue and green, in a fantastic display of beauty and power. It twisted magnificently and majestically before it blasted back into the ocean, creating a colossal spray of surf. I knew once and for all that I would do whatever it took to possess this fish.

The battle raged on for another thirty minutes. I resisted trading off with my dad until my arms burned with exhaustion and the blisters on my hands screamed at me to let go. At long last, we could see the mighty beast coming closer to the boat. He looked just as fatigued as we did. Right as my dad had grabbed the gaff, and was getting ready to make the final blow, I looked at the invincible creature, reduced to a pitiful victim, and yelled "Dad stop!"We had enough dolphin for a decent dinner. What would be the sense of killing this hardy warrior? I felt a sense of accomplishment as I watched him swim away. Since we didn't have a camera on board, our victory exists only in our memories, but it is something we will never forget.

The hard work that I have learned from fishing with my dad is something that has always stayed with me. It is present while I diligently train for cross country, vigorously study for four AP classes, and relentlessly push myself to produce new ideas for fundraisers and community service activities as the President of the National Honor Society. I know for a fact that I possess the self-discipline, motivation, and focused mentality to succeed at University of Florida, all I need is the chance to prove it. Go gators!

inverselogic 1 / 10  
Oct 16, 2011   #2
Nice essay; here are a some comments:

"the gentle hum of the engine at trolling speed" -- sorry, what's trolling speed?

"the wind slowly whizzing past my ears" -- slowly whizzing is kind of contradictory, since whizzing implies speed.

"time to bond, relax, and "get away" for awhile " -- awhile is an adverb. I think "a while" is proper here.

"hot pink, Barbie, fishing rod." -- should be "hot pink Barbie fishing rod."

"We gotta fish!" -- should be "We got a fish!"

I edited this sentence: Right as my dad had grabbed the gaff and was getting ready to make the final blow, I looked at the invincible creature, reduced to a pitiful victim, and yelled, "Dad, stop!"

It seems to abruptly go from the dad about to kill the dolphin to the creature swimming away peacefully. Maybe you should write something like this: "What would be the sense of killing this hardy warrior? My dad let the dolphin(fish? whatever word you'd like to use here)go, and I felt a sense of accomplishment as I watched him swim away." Except "him" sounds a little strange in that last sentence. (You could possibly be talking about the dad swimming away, so you need to be a little more clear.) You should instead put dolphin/fish/word of your choice.

Anyways, great essay, and good luck!
beccalevesque - / 45  
Oct 16, 2011   #3
Ok, so i read this earlier and really like the way this was written, but just couldn't get over the dolphin aspect. That is until i researched it and found out that you are most likely talking about the dolphin fish, known by most people from their Hawaiian name, mahi mahi or by their Pacific coast name, Dorado. Really, you should specify this or it really will give the wrong impression. you did mention mahi mahi, but then you kept saying dolphin, so i was confused

good luck :)


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