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Letter to my roomate babson, Student Abroad Program.


hmilgram 1 / -  
Dec 17, 2010   #1
Im an international student so I have a lot of mistakes in the essay! I would like someone helpme to correct the grammar or some other mistakes!

`Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him or her what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college.

Dear Roommate,
First of all, let me congratulate you on being accepted into the prestigious Babson College. After fourteen years of school, we are about to begin a major new stage in our lives, in a place that we have desired to belong for a long time.

As roommates, we will live day by day, support each other in the good and bad moments and will experience this new cycle together; therefore, I should explain a little about myself. I was born in Costa Rica, where I grew up until February, 2010. Since there, I lived seven months in Israel where I learned about Zionism and Israeli culture, and then, I lived three months in Boston where I improved my English through an English course. I consider myself as someone persevering, helpful and sociable, always looking for new experiences and challenges. I love sports, music, spending time with friends and meeting new people mainly.

Since we are both going to start a new phase of our lives at Babson College, I imagine that for you as for me, this university can provide us with everything we are looking for this new stage. Choosing Babson College as my first choice was easy. Through my research about colleges, I realized that Babson's excellent economics program, the technological and amazing facilities that it brings to its students, the green fields that surround the campus, the support and love of its students to Babson and finally, its wide variety of people, having more than 20% of international undergraduates; were facts that could facilitate me to meet my goals and to have an incredible experience as a university student.

As a student of Babson College, I expect to prosper as a person, acquiring the necessary tools to be a well-educated person and be able to respond to circumstances that may arise. Furthermore, I would like to interact with other students, learn from their cultures, establish contacts that could serve for the future, participate in college activities, join study groups and organizations, and support the Beavers as a passionate sports fan that I am. I cannot leave behind its Student Abroad Program. I am convinced that in order to fulfill my expectations for these four years, I have to be part of this program. The change in culture one experiences makes a person grow in a way nothing else can. I would definitely benefit from it by gaining new and different experiences in universities that have arrangements with Babson College.

I am excited about starting college; I cannot wait more the moment to meet you and I hope we will have an incredible experience in our first year together at Babson.

Sincerely,
Henry Milgram

Supervisor 2 / 13  
Dec 17, 2010   #2
I think the essay answers the question!

Grammar stuff (also check spelling - things like congratulations are spelled wrong):
"As roommates, we will live day by day, support each other in the good and bad moments, and will experience this new cycle together..."

"Through my research about colleges, I realized that Babson's excellent economics program, the technological and amazing facilities that it brings to its students, the green fields that surround the campus, the support and love of its students to Babson and finally, its wide variety of people, having more than 20% of international undergraduates; were facts that could facilitate me to meet my goals and to have an incredible experience as a university student."

Long sentence is long. Don't have the semi-colon there and the "its wide variety of people, having more than 20% of international undergraduates" is not really parallel...

Just a bit of editing will help your essay become easier to read.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,341 129  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
...a place that we have desired to belong for a long time.---This phrasing is awkward. It is impressive because it is so thoughtful, but it is awkward nonetheless. I think you should consider all the possibilities, all the ideas you could plant in the reader's mind at the end of this little intro. You can choose anything you want, so maybe you will think of something better to say here.

As roommates, we will live day by day, support each other in the...----This whole paragraph is really nice.

I have a strong opinion about this sort of thing: I think the most persuasive essays are the ones that include some discussion of specific plans for the near future. If you are so focused on your plan that you cannot help talking about it in a letter like this, it shows that you are really deserving of every opportunity. So when you talk about yourself, talk about your goals.

:-)


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