It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are? I have a problem, my friend said that I'm off topic. But idk if i can write it like this. This is basically like what I'm going to tell my roommate when I meet her.. Idk if the admission officers will get what I'm writing. What do you guys think? Off topic? Should I rewrite this in a dialogue form?
Thanks!
I check my watch-15 minutes early. I hate being late for anything, whether it's meeting up with friends or going to class. I slow my pace and walk into 660 Beacon Street. Inside Barnes and Noble, I try to find my new roommate. At first, we planned to meet at Starbucks, but then I told her that I'm not a big fan of coffee, because I think it's bitter, so we agreed to meet at Barnes and Noble since it's also one of her favorite stores.
I walk around the store looking for her while also keeping my eye out for any interesting books like Midnight's Children, The Help, Vampire Academy Series or any novel, historical fiction science fiction, or cookbook. I'm excited to meet my new roommate because I know I'll like her, or at least, I'll learn to like her. It's rare for me to dislike anyone unless they are really annoying or if they dislike me. Otherwise, I'm a very amicable person who's open to different cultures and eager to learn new things and have new adventures. I can learn about her heritage and can educate her about Chinese culture, and spreading awareness that Asians are not the stereotypical type as we are labeled as. I can't wait to share our different experiences.
I hope my roommate is not a party animal and doesn't stay up past1 A.M., because usually I try to sleep around 10P.M and wake up around 8A.M. As Benjamin Franklin once said, "Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Hopefully my roommate knows that that I like to work in a quiet, orderly, and clean environment. I hope she won't have clothes and food lying around our room. I do not want extra creepy crawlers coming into our room at night. Moreover, she can blast any type of music as long as it's not rap. I like anything classical, R&B, or mainstream.
When we become acquainted and have a laugh or two, we can go out for lunch. We can go back to my home state, New York and eat at Red Lobster, Chipotle or Crumbs. IchiUmi is also a great choice, if she likes sushi. I don't eat raw food, but I'm not a picky eater; I love any type of food from Italian to Thai to Chinese to French. After lunch we can go work out in a gym. I love to swim and play sports. I basically spent my whole life playing piano, swimming, and drawing. I also enjoy going to different places and expanding my horizons. Every summer my parents will take my brother and me on a vacation to see different famous landmarks, such as the Yellowstone Park, Florida, Texas, to Alaska. I hope my roommate will be active because I plan to participate in many of BU's student activities, meet new people.
The hour hand just landed on 12, when I heard a bubbly voice behind me. "You must be Sunny! Yes, another person my height." I turn around to see a 5'7" girl with a bright smile. Yes, we're going to get along quite well and I can't wait to tell her all the facts about me.
There are some grammatical mistakes and weird phrases.
At first, we planned to meet at Starbucks, but then I told her that I'm not a big fan of coffee, because I think it's bitter, so we agreed to meet at Barnes and Noble since it's also one of her favorite stores.
The way you go to the sentence is awkward, since all your sentences before were pretty concise. Also the sentences is too long
I walk around the store looking=Walked
Midnight's Children, The Help, Vampire Academy Series or any novel, historical fiction science fiction, or cookbook.
Either say two books or two genres, do not just list a lot of things
Avoid contractions
. I can could learn about her heritage and can educate her about
Some parts in your last paragraph seem awkwardly phrased. Also change your last sentence, since this is where you really want to leave something memorable.
Try to get some more people to contribute.
I like your personality but the way you present it is what I think hurts you. For instance, the sentences below do not help you at all. They actually present a negative image of you which your not trying to do in these sentences.
Reword them or delete them.
"It's rare for me to dislike anyone unless they are really annoying or if they dislike me."
"and spreading awareness that Asians are not the stereotypical type as we are labeled as."
"Moreover, she can blast any type of music as long as it's not rap."
"Yes, we're going to get along quite well and I can't wait to tell her all the facts about me."
Also in the essay you talk a lot about teaching your roommate things. Thats not bad but you have to balance it with "wanting your roommate to teach you things."
Finally, Talk about your a few of your bad habits/characteristics. Admissions want to see that you are a person not some barbie or superhuman.
Maybe, a dialogue works better. The prompt says, "you are talking to your new roommate for the first time.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think they are a few things you need to edit. Your personality is terrific but how you present it
Please review mine, its the really long one.
Thanks guys for the critiques. I know I have a lot of editing to do. I already looked over both of yours.
I'm going to rewrite it in a dialogue format.
I really liked this. The way you told us about you, before you even met your roommate as you roam around B&N is unique.
In this sentence: "Hopefully my roommate knows that that I like to work in a quiet, orderly, and clean environment. " I'd reword it, keeping in mind that you haven't met your roommate yet, so she wouldn't know anything about you.
Here: "We can go back to my home state, New York and eat at Red Lobster, Chipotle or Crumbs. IchiUmi is also a great choice, if she likes sushi." I'd combine the two sentences. Going with what Chopeful said, drop one or two of the three restaurants in the first sentence (love Red Lobster by the way) and then use "or" for IchiUmi. Keep what you said about her liking sushi, i like it. Also add a comma after New York.
honestly, I like the idea of telling us about yourself, while you wait to tell your roommate about yourself. I'd just work it a bit more. Other than that, great job!
Thanks for the input :D Okay so I made two versions, can someone tell me which one is better? One is more like my original one, the other one is kind of in the form of a dialogue.
dialogue
I check my watch-15 minutes early. I slow my pace and walk into 660 Beacon Street. Inside Barnes and Noble, I try to find my new roommate. At first, we planned to meet at Starbucks, but I told her that I'm not a big fan of coffee, because I think it's bitter. So, we agreed to meet at Barnes and Noble since it's also one of her favorite stores.
As I walked inside, I heard a bubbly voice behind me. "You must be Sunny. Yes, another person my height!" I turn around to see a 5'7" girl with a bright smile. "And you must be my new roommate!" I happily replied. "You are early," she said. "I hate being late for anything, whether it's meeting up with friends or going to class," I replied. "I think we're going to get along just fine."
Of course we start off by introducing each other. We became good friends pretty fast; I tend to be very open and amicable. I told her about what my favorite books are, considering we're in Barnes and Noble. Surprisingly, she likes the same types of books as I do, like the Midnight's Children, The Help, and Vampire Academy Series. We talk about our backgrounds and hometown. "You live in New York? Wow, I'm from California!" she said. I tell her about the trips and adventure my parents and I have each summer. My parents take my brother and me on a vacation to see different famous landmarks, such as the Yellowstone Park, Florida, Texas, and Alaska, to expand our knowledge. My roommate and I agree to be active members in BU's community, being that we both enjoy participating in activities.
I tell her that some of my favorite restaurants are Red Lobster, Crumbs, and IchiUmi. "You love so many types of food, from Chinese to Italian, how can you stay so fit?" she asked. I don't think I'm fit, but I tell her that I love sports and outdoor activities. I spent my whole life swimming. I also play the piano and consider myself a decent artist. Then we start to talk about our lifestyle. "Are you a party animal?" I asked. She laughed, "Of course not! I sleep around 11 P.M." I was ecstatic. I sleep around the same time too; I like to sleep and rise early. Moreover, I tell her that I'm an organized and neat person, so hopefully she won't leave her laundry or food everywhere on the floor. I do not want extra creepy crawlers coming into our room at night.
I check my watch, "Wow, it's been three hours!" She looks outside, it is getting dark. "It only felt like one hour, and I can't believe we hit it off just like that Sunny," she replies. "You are such a bright girl." "Time flies when you're having fun," I said with a smile. "These four years in Boston University will be great."
