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'Rotary Exchange Program' - Experience Common App Essay


Phoebe Africa 3 / 36 6  
Nov 4, 2012   #1
Common Application Essay topic 1:
A significant experience in my life and the impact it has had on me.

Aged 11, I told my uncle that I would be a writer someday. Bewildered,he replied,"but, you just a person". Eventually we surmised that no man has written a book;computers fulfill that purpose. Walking away disappointed, I halted as a concept furnished my body with fresh eagerness.

"Malome, I'll be the first person too write a book!". I shouted confidently.

From that conundrum to my first day at a Top 100 school,thrust into a world where the word 'daddy' is the answer to all problems,I wondered how I would survive. Mother had insisted on exhausting all resources to ensure my admittance and excited to be "on that side of town", it never occurred to me that I would face difficulties.

Placed in the fourth class and ensnared in a new world, high school was destined to be challenging.
Though, being the only grade 8 published in a national poetry anthology, optimism set in. Writing went on too be my fount for unrivaled satisfaction. Therefore, the kid from the "other side of town" begun his endeavor to being as achieved as any of his privileged mates could be.

After a year in the fourth class and time consumed by four gratifying extracurriculars, I was moved too the third class before making it into the second class half way though grade 9. My experience in this high school not only fostered a drive to establish myself academically, but I also worked on saturdays(after debates) to finance extracurricular activities.

As one of the first few people in my grade too receive colors, I felt that something greater awaited me. So when I heard about the Rotary Exchange Program, I would not let financial circumstances avert me from a cultural immersion opportunity. Thus, I worked two jobs- internet cafe assistant and car washer. With this money I purchased my first stock of soap. Door to door, I sold the stock and with some help from the church, I financed the unparalleled experience.

My unique high school experience has created this inability to resist challenges. To that end, I took two AP courses even though I had missed a years work and had to maintain two jobs to afford the courses. Considering the influence that my grade 10 schedule had on my grades, I felt anxious about never leaving the cycle of poverty.

Therefore,In addition to being house leader for Debating and Public Speaking and having started a university club in my neighborhood, I exerted more attention towards my academics.

Thus, I was placed in the first class and received the highest Mathematics paper 3 mark.

Reflecting on my high school experience, I think too when my uncle declared that I could not write a book. This echoes Mr.Taylor's words, "never let the place you start dictate where you finish".

School on "that side" has stretched my abilities to the fullest and fostered a hunger for academic excavation.

"In America!". As excited as I was when I was 11, I probe my uncle with this new prospect. With a look of sympathy, he replies, "Even for you my boy,that is impossible"
dudeman 1 / 6  
Nov 4, 2012   #2
You should talk more about what a "top 100 school" is. And what "the other side" is.
linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Nov 4, 2012   #3
Well there are some errors but I am not a first English Speaker so I am not sure if I am right

,"but, you are just a person".

Writing went on too be my fount for unrivaled satisfaction

Besides that I think you could make your essay more focus and compact. You talked about being a writer at the start then you changed to something else later, I think it would be better if you focus just on one thing.
uyaq23 2 / 5 2  
Nov 4, 2012   #4
"but, youyou are just a person"

"Malome , I'll be the first person tooto write a book!" - confused as to who Malome is.

"...thrust into a world where the word 'daddy' is the answer to all problems " - A bit confusing as to where this came from. Why is "daddy " the answer? Is there some background information the reader needs to know to tie it in to?

"" and excited to be "on that side of town" "" - What side of town? What significance does that phrase have? You had to have put it in quotations for a reason.

"Placed in the fourth class ..." - Do you mean fourth grade?

"Though, being the only grade 8 published in a national poetry anthology, optimism set in." - eighth grader - You go from fourth grade to eighth grade without a solid transition.

"Therefore, the kid from the "other side of town " begunbegan his endeavor to being as achievedaccomplished as any of his privileged mates could be." - Again, what does "other side of town " mean?

"After a year in the fourth class and time consumed by four gratifying extracurricularactivities , I was moved tooto the third class before making it into the second class half way through grade 9the ninth grade " - I'm still not sure what you mean by "fourth class," "third class," and "second class." Shed some light on that in the essay.

"As one of the first few people in my gradetooto receive colors " - What do you mean by "colors"?

"My unique high school experience has created thisan inability to resist challenges."

"I took two AP courses" - Always write out any acronyms for an essay like this - Advanced Placement

"Considering the influence that my grade 10tenth grade schedule had on my grades..."

"Therefore,In addition to being house leader for Debating and Public Speaking and having started a university club in my neighborhood, I exerted more attention towards my academics." - We can probably switch this sentence around and say - I began to exert more attention towards my academics, becoming the leader for my debate team and organizing a university club in my neighborhood.

"Thus, I was placed in the first class and received the highest Mathematics paper 3 mark." - Maybe we can say something like - "The hard work paid off as I was placed at the top of my class while receiving the highest marks on my mathematics exam. "

"I think too look back to when my uncle declared that I could not write a book"

"This His statement would echo Mr.Taylor's words, "never let the place you start dictate where you finish ." - Explain the quote and its significance. What did those words mean to you specifically?

"In America!" ( who says "In America!" and what does it mean?) As excited as I was when I was 11, I probe my uncle with this new prospect. ( what new prospect?) With a look of sympathy, he replies, "Even for you my boy,that is impossible"

The topic of your essay is different and a good attention catcher, exactly what admission officers look for. Your use of advanced vocabulary suits the syntax and there is a good balance of it throughout the essay. The thing is that you start off by trying to prove your uncle wrong when he says you wouldn't be able to write a book. You completely forget that aspect about your essay as you go into the bodies of your essay. Stick to that topic and your essay will be much stronger.

You discuss organizations like the Rotary Exchange Program and how you went out of your way to become a part of it. You never discussed what was so important about it to you, why you wanted to pursue it, and what you got out of it. You discuss managing your extracurricular activities. What did you get out of those? What drove you to work various jobs in order to pay for their expenses?

There were also some things highlighted in the essay which fly out of nowhere. Don't assume the reader knows everything that you're throwing at them. Try to take it one step at a time and explain, but be concise. Establish a bit of background knowledge wherever you need to.

Your conclusion tends to develop a new challenge when you refer back to your uncle not believing in you. Your conclusion should make a full circle and muster up your thoughts about yourself. Sell yourself to the readers at that point.

Good start and good luck! Keep on.
HC2013 3 / 15 2  
Nov 4, 2012   #5
I found your essay a bit confusing. I think you should find one main point and relate your entire essay to it. It seems a little all over the place. Also I was confused about the "top 100 school" and what significance in the "fourth class vs. first." I think your idea is good and your essay could be really strong if you make sure not to lose focus.
OP Phoebe Africa 3 / 36 6  
Nov 4, 2012   #6
Hello,thank you all for your comments.

1stly. I have a very cruel 500 words limit to observe,thus I cannot be explaining some of the things.

2ndly. In South Africa, in each grade you are placed in a class according to your marks. So "first class" is made up of the students with the highest marks. This is explained in the School Report by my counselor.

We also refer to eight grade and ninth grade as grade eight and grade nine. But I'll just ask my counselor to make this more clear in his report.

3. The CORE experience throughout the essay is my life and time throughout high school. I try to SHOW that I am determined and hard working by discussing my experiences. I fond this method to be better than saying "I am a strong person because..."

So when I mention the Rotary exchange,the two jobs,being on"that side" it is only to display the difficulties I gave been through,in my high school career. This is made clear as the second last paragraph starts with "Reflecting on my high school experience"

4. "The other side of town" and "that side of town" The poor and the rich side?
I thought the connotation of those words make it very easy to pick these things up,but in my revised essay I think I'll explain it more.

5."In America!" This is said by me and its made clear by "as I probe..."

6. The conclusion: I believe it proves the type of intellect,or lack there of, that I am surrounded by at home. Yet,regardless of that I am still a thriving students. It sheds light on my financial circumstances,without shoving it in your face. While also displaying that my background is not the best one to produce successful students.

As a writer, I love to imply things rather than wave them in your face, but it seems like I tend to loose my reader, instead of strongly articulating the underlying message of the essay. My teacher also got confused here and there with this essay, so I will definitely implement some of your suggestions

Essentially I use this essay to give detail on the hard work that had to be put in on order to get my resume looking the way it does. So I don't give detail on the Rotary program itself because my focus is more centered around how difficult of an experience high school was for me,but I made it out stronger and as accomplished as some of the people who did not face these same problems.

Thank you,please feel free to share any more thoughts that you make have. I honestly I appreciate the help and I will be reading your essays very soon!

Thanks again
dudeman 1 / 6  
Nov 6, 2012   #7
You should explain that stuff in your essay. First write the essay, ignoring the words limit. Then edit and bring it under 500
uyaq23 2 / 5 2  
Nov 9, 2012   #8
It would be nice if you stuck to your word Phoebe.
OP Phoebe Africa 3 / 36 6  
Nov 14, 2012   #9
I am absolutely sorry everyone!

I had planned to read your essay, but it is exams in South Africa right now.

I finish 15th and promise to read your essay.

Earnestly apologize, I feel like I've lied to you all, will definitely help where I can with your essays!


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