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"I had a rough start to my high school career" - FSU Essay


JCox2009 1 / 1  
Oct 12, 2008   #1
Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

"Vires, Artes, Mores"

I consider the concepts of Vires and Artes are the concepts that are reflected in my life the most. Vires is strength in all endeavors and feel that I exhibit that in all I do whether it be in my studies at school where even though I had a very rocky start my freshman year or at home where I am the oldest of three sons and my mother is a single parent so that I have to strive for excellence and be a positive role model for my younger brothers. And even on a very personal level with dealing with the cerebral palsy I was born with. Artes is also a big part of my life as well because I play a musical instrument and I love pushing my limits and trying to become better everyday.

As I mentioned before, I had a rough start to my high school career. While I am not making excuses, I feel I should show enough respect to the school as a whole and allow you a little insight into what was happening in my life at this point in time. Also at the same time let you know that I have learned from every mistake and hardship I have been through. Towards the beginning of my freshman year my mother was pregnant and starting to have complications so in the midst of trying to adjust to the high school curriculum for about a month and a half I was actually living by myself and trying to cope with worrying for my mother. Some nights I would sleep in the hospital room in a chair by her side but most nights I would have to be at home by myself because I attend a magnet high school and in order to make sure I got to school everyday I would take the bus at 5:30 am to go to school a longer way than most students. So through all this regrettably my school work suffered tremendously.

I am not telling you all this to make excuses just to let you know that I am using what I have been through to constantly better myself and say that I feel I would be a great addition to your community of higher learning. I am also a musician that understands hard work and much of what I have learned through my endeavors in music. To me music has taught me about perseverance, commitment, and myself.

As well as what I had to endure my freshman year I was born at 29 weeks and due to this I have Cerebral Palsy. To most this seems to be an extreme disadvantage in life in general but to me this is not a disadvantage just something to use to push myself. I have always loved proving people wrong when it comes to what I can do. There is something satisfying to me about have people doubt me then being able to so them all I can achieve.[/b]
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 12, 2008   #2
Good evening.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, especially run-on sentences and overall sentence structure. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

In regards to content, instead of using the story of your mother as a sort of crutch, which is how it is coming across now, present it as a situation which you derived strength from. Being able to live essentially on your own for that month and being responsible enough to get yourself to school and take care of daily things at this age of life is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Rework the middle of this essay to portray strength instead of weakness and it will be a great piece because that strength is the core of your essay. Also, make sure that you keep tying that strength into your life throughout the essay, not only at the beginning.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP JCox2009 1 / 1  
Oct 12, 2008   #3
Thanks what you said it really helps alot


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