Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
any help would be appreciated, but I'd like more commentary on the content.
I ascended the grassy knoll, placed my launching pad on the ground, and fired the projectile with all my might. It landed well right of my target. As I walked back to the cart, I mumbled to myself, "What a great way to start a round of golf." I then walked back to the golf cart and watched my father take his turn to tee off.
I started playing golf in the middle of my eighth grade year. Since then, I continually challenged my father to a round of golf every week, but had never been able to defeat him.
Besides my wobbly tee shot on the first hole, I played better than normal, and at the end of the fourth hole, I had a one shot lead over my father. By the fourth hole, we caught up to the groups in front of us, so we were forced to wait. While waiting for my turn to tee off, I took a look at the scorecard which had drawings for every hole on the course. I then planned out how I would play the remaining holes in order to maintain my lead. For the next three holes, everything went according to plan, and I managed to increase my lead.
However, soon everything realigned to Murphy's Law. Just as soon as I thought nothing could go wrong that day, on the very next hole I ended up hitting my golf ball into a forest. After a quick cost-benefit analysis, I decided to hit the ball over the trees; it was a shot that I can confidently say I can pull off once out of every one thousand tries. Needless to say, I failed in my attempt and the ball ended up hitting a tree and returned to where it originally sat. I then decided to play it safe and tried hitting the top of the ball so that it would roll on the ground toward the fairway. However, the ball must have hit a rock because it suddenly hopped into the air, hit a tree, and bounced back towards me. Once I finally hit the ball out of the trees and into the hole, I lost my lead.
Similar events took place on the next hole, and by the end of nine holes, I was down by six strokes.
For the next nine holes, I decided to forget about all the success and failures I had on the previous nine holes. In essence, I hit a restart button. I focused only on what was ahead of me and ignored everything that had happened in the last two hours. By the end of the round of golf, I was surprised that I had actually beaten my father. I was so focused on my own game that I did not even realize when I had taken back the lead. Also, not only did I beat my father, I actually beat my previous best score by three strokes.
Needless to say, I was proud of myself for beating my father; however, I was also proud of myself for not giving up the game despite several years of failure.
Could somebody please help me edit this? I'm getting desperate.
no bumping is allowed. i believe we're all getting desperate. about your essay, intro is split in two halves, as theres little transition between the "story" attempt and your 8th grade golfing. that intro, as a whole, sounds rather interesting, but unhopeful, in that you cant defeat him...show more about responding to the prompt in the entire essay.
second para. why bother about golf terms and games. sorry i dont play golf. it doesnt give more about yourself.
what is murphy's law? failed at my attempt sounds horrible in that it's rather depressing, and you're talking about golf..the one thing you choose to represent yourself to the UCs. I hope thats not the truth..hope this is true: that you really enjoy golf, that it has shaped you somehow...i dont see how this is making you proud. a game of golf, okay you can talk about it, but pressing a mental reset button? interesting but i wish we had that in real life. haha.
make your last sentence more integrated into your essay. its a tad disconnected. ok, so you beat your dad because you focused not on your shortcomings but on your game.. good idea, maybe mention that earlier and less of the negativity.
sorry if this looks flamed.. im a bit annoyed right now. but i see what you mean. thx.
I like your essay. I like your style, and all the descriptive language you use helps so that I can really envision what is happening in my mind. The content seems to be well thought out, and it I think I understand what you are trying to say--that placing your concentration on others and not yourself will only get you behind. However, even though I was able to understand this, I'd say you may want to make the point more clear at the end so the reader could also come to that conclusion without having to guess at whether they're right or wrong. Maybe you could add another paragraph at the end to sum up this idea.
I really hope this helps. Good luck!
Thanks for the commentary.
great job just elaborate more on how the experince makes you, you.
u edited my essay and you said something about the prompt. do u think that i did not answer the prompt at all. plz be honest i will eally appreciate it. thanks in advance.
i hope u r not feeling so desperate anymore lol
That was a very good, yet funny at the same time. I think you need to write more about how this relates to you. I know that you were determined and didn't give up, but there should be a bit more of why this is important. Why did you want to beat your father in golf? Was there a meaning to it?
I really liked this. I was laughing a little bit even as I was reading it because I was entertained and that is a good sign. The last thing you want to do is bore your audience. It was interesting and insightful. I agree with what the others said about making your essay sound better. It would help it if you went more in depth about how the experience relates to you and maybe even reflect on how it has influenced you today as a person. Perhaps the incident made you more persistent? If so, tell the readers how and why possibly.
