Hello,
I'm intending to apply at RSM for the International Bachelor Administration program ( IBA ).
I've finished writting my motivation letter for RSM and I'd like to know if there a few points I could improve.
Here is the plan I have to respect : 1 - The international background 2 - Why IBA ? 3 - Why IBA at RSM ? 4 - Your future plans ?
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writting this letter to inform you that I'd like to apply to the Rotterdam School of Management 's Bachelor , the International Bachelor Administration program.
My name is Daniel Huynh . I am a 18-year-old French with Vietnamese origins. I was born in Paris 12 and raised in Bretigny-sur-Orge , a small town in the Paris suburbs.
Thanks to my family and my school trips , I've been able to travel trough many foreign cities such as Frankfurt am Main , Cologne , Munich , Dublin , Dallas or Ho Chi Minh City. It's the thrill of discovering new cultures , speaking a foreign language and confronting different point of views that makes me want to study abroad. Therefore I have tried to consolidate my English by taking courses at the British Council two years ago in order to start studying abroad in the best conditions.
Even though I'm currently attending the HEC preparatoy classes at the Lakanal High School , I have decided to apply to the IBA program , for the « Grande Ecole » path doesn't enable me to gain the same international experience as the IBA program , since if I were to choose a french Business School , I would be forced to stay in France during at least half of my graduate education.
Furthermore , the IBA program seemed the most appealling program to me as this program features international diversity among students and a international teaching staff as well , which is a real asset to apprehend the globalized world we live in.
Given that Rotterdam has been one of the centers of exchanges in Europa for centuries , and is today one of the most cosmopolitan city in Europe , RSM is to me the first choice for an international program. Besides , the triple accreditations RSM has received shows how much RSM is acknowledged throughout the world by both universities and professionals , as the Financial Times Ranking of the Best European Business School in 2013 proves by ranking RSM as the 5th best Business School in Europe.
At the end of the IBA , I intend to pursue my studies with the CEMS Msc , because it is to me the program which fits best my expectancies , since it values team-play , practical experience and possess a wide network of alumni , in addition of being one of the best rated Msc in the world . To be honest , I don't precisely know which sector I will work in once I graduate , but there is one thing I'm sure of : RSM would have given me the best opportunities to practice the job that pleases me the most then.
Yours faithfully.
Daniel Huynh.
So do you think I should change something ?
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writting (writing) this letter to inform you that I'd like to apply (of my application) to the Rotterdam School of Management 's Bachelor , the International Bachelor Administration program.
My name is Daniel Huynh . I am a 18-year-old French with Vietnamese origins. I was born in Paris 12 (I do not understand "Paris 12") and raised in Bretigny-sur-Orge , a small town in the Paris suburbs. Thanks to my family and my school trips (no comma needed) I've been able to travel trough many (diverse?) foreign cities such as Frankfurt am Main (what is am Main?), Cologne , Munich , Dublin , Dallas or (and) Ho Chi Minh City. It's the (The) thrill of discovering new cultures, speaking a foreign language and confronting different points of view (not point of views) that makes me want to study abroad. Therefore I have tried to consolidate my English by taking courses at the British Council two years ago (the past two years) in order to start studying abroad in the best conditions (in order to prepare myself to study abroad).
Even though I'm currently attending the HEC preparatoy classes at the Lakanal High School , I have decided to apply to the IBA program , for the « Grande Ecole » path doesn't enable me to gain the same international experience as the IBA program. , since If I were to choose a french Business School, I would be forced to stay in France during at least half of my graduate education.
Furthermore , the IBA program seemed the most appealling (appealing) program to me as this program features international diversity among students and a international teaching staff as well (don't need to say as well), which is a real asset to apprehend (comprehend?) the globalized world we live in.
Given that Rotterdam has been one of the centers of exchanges in Europa for centuries and is today one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Europe, RSM is to me the first choice for an international program. Besides, the triple accreditations RSM has received shows how much RSM is acknowledged throughout the world by both universities and professionals. The Financial Times Ranking of the Best European Business School in 2013 proves by ranking (ranks) RSM as the 5th best Business School in Europe.
At the end of the IBA, I intend to pursue my studies with the CEMS Msc , because it is to me (not needed) the program which fits best my expectancies (expectations), since it values team-play, practical experience and possess(es) a wide network of alumni, in addition of (to) being one of the best rated Msc (what is MSC?) in the world . To be honest , I don't precisely know (I am not sure) which sector I will work in once I graduate, but there is one thing I'm sure of : RSM would (will) have given me the best opportunities to practice the job that pleases me the most then. (wherever I land) (or something like, "I may not know what sector I will specialize in once I graduate, but I am sure that RSM will give me the best opportunity to be successful in any field").
Yours faithfully.
Daniel Huynh
Daniel,
I have never had to write a letter like this before, so all of my suggestions are simply based on cleaning up some of the language. I hope they were helpful. This sounds like an exciting opportunity. Best of luck!
Thanks for replying to me !
So Paris 12 , means the twelfth arrondissement of Paris , but it seems it is not explicit so I will correct it.
I wrote Frankfurt am Main because there are 2 Frankfurt : Frankfurt am Main which is in the former BDR , and Frankfurt Oder.which is in the former DDR.
Msc means Master of science.
I really appreciate your help , I think you did a great work and I will still seek some ways to improve it.
