Hi everybody,
These are two drafts for the Common application essay. I was wondering if you could give you opinion about them-not bother correcting them grammatically. I want you to tell me whether it is ti emphasized or not .and what essay would you opt for: the former or the later. They are more or less the same. :D
Personal Statement - USA
Hirsu Alexandru Bogdan- 12B
1.
I am a Rubik's Cube. This magic cube has had a great impact on me since I first got in contact with it. I remember this happened when I was as little as 6 years old. It was Christmas and all the members of the family had gathered at my grandparent's house to celebrate and there, my aunt offered me the Cube as a gift. I was so fascinated by how colorful and special this apparently ordinary toy looked, that I emotionally attached to it immediately. Now, thinking of that time, I must thank my curiosity for not allowing myself to search for the algorithm on the internet. Instead, I thrived by continuously testing my mind and by finding the solution to this marvelous 3D puzzle.
Why am I saying this? Just because it developed my: creativity ,for if I forgot the algorithm I would have to create a new one; independence, for every time I span the cube I felt like entering a unique and private dimension thus finding who I am; diligence, for I worked hard in order to become skillful with the cube. Moreover, it quickened my decision -making process and enhanced it by improving the standards in judging.
However, my passion has never deprived me of socialization. On the contrary, it helped me become empathetic with my peers by developing eloquence combined with candor because solving the cube means both hard work and playfulness at the same time. The interests I have always had in the community and its problems have lead me to participate in various volunteering programs and try to change the world around me for the better.
The self-development workshops I attended helped me to become more spontaneous, open-minded and flexible, such as the cube is multifaceted and easily rotating. My constant involvement with people of all kinds has taught me not to expect something in return for good deeds, but to rather find satisfaction in the mere fact that I could help someone on their way to self-improvement. Last but not least, the extra-curricular activities I was a part of have helped me get closer to achieving my goals.
Still, that does not mean that I lack drawbacks. I do have them and I am fully aware of them. All human beings are imperfect but unique in their own way. Being gripped by my work, and focusing too much on the task make me slightly digress from the main purpose and lose time but as I have reduced the number of moves to complete the cube I have also been working on eliminating this fault.
I can mostly attribute this personal development to the guidance and support of my family, whom I truly value and respect and without whose love I would not be who I am today. Regardless of any difficulties that I might have encountered in my path, they have been a constant source of energy and optimism and have taught me to take life as a challenge which I am sure to rise to
2.
I am a Rubik's Cube. This magic cube has had a great impact on me since I first got in contact with it. I remember this happening when I was as little as 6 years old. It was Christmas and all the members of the family gathered at my grandparent's house to celebrate and there, my aunt offered me the Cube as a gift. I was so fascinated by how colorful and special this apparently ordinary toy looked, that I immediately attached emotionally to it. Now, thinking of that time, I must thank my curiosity for not allowing myself to search for the algorithm on the internet. Instead, I thrived by continuously testing my mind and by finding the solution to this marvelous 3D puzzle.
Why am I saying this? Just because it developed my creativity for if I forgot the algorithm I would have to create a new one, independence for, every time I span the cube I felt like entering in a unique and private dimension thus finding who I am, diligence for I worked hard in order to become skillful with the cube, reliance and trust in others. Moreover, it quickened my decision -making process and enhanced it by improving the standards in judging.
However, Rubik's Cube did not deprive me of socialization. On the contrary, it helped me become empathetic with my peers by developing eloquence combined with candor. Moreover, it made me more spontaneous, open-minded and flexible such as the cube is multifaceted and easily rotating. Last but not least, the cube has shaped my life and carrier strategies- those of becoming a successful business person and family man.
That does not mean still that I lack drawbacks. I do and I am fully aware of them. All human being are imperfect but are unique in their own way. Being gripped in my work, and focusing too much on the task make me slightly digress from the main purpose and lose time but as I have reduced the number of moves to complete the cube I have also improved this drawback.
I can't believe that I am saying this but it has also been a test , for many people-usually colleagues and acquaintances- regarded me different even unusual but I didn't let myself discouraged and contrariwise, I took advantage of this way of standing out from the crowd. They perceived it as a tedious way of spending one's free time but as I developed personally with the help of the cube, those who thought so, began to value me for my good qualities
Furthermore, my constant involvement with people of all kinds has taught me not to expect something in return for good deeds, but to rather find satisfaction in the mere fact that I could help someone on their way to self-improvement.
I can mostly attribute this personal development to the cube and I truly value and respect it. Even if I did not have the chance to participate in a contest, wherever I travel, either on a trip or at a more formal meeting I take it with me and in case one huge dilemma appears, I connect with the Rubik's cube to my dimension and I am sure that I will find the optimal solution.
I really appreciate your help. >:D<
You wrote a good work and your idea about the cube is a novel idea. Both essays are much similar to each other, so I cannot say which one is better. As you said, you do not need comments on grammatical errors I just focused on the content of the essay. You can find my suggestions below:volunteering programs and try to change the world around me for the better.
this part is not clear. What kinds of programs and how you could change your surrounding environment. It would be better to elaborate on it.
The self-development workshops I attended helped me to become more spontaneous, open-minded and flexible, such as the cube is multifaceted and easily rotating.
At the beginning you wrote about the influences of the cube on you, but in this paragraph you are talking about the similarity between you and a cube. I think these are two different issues and it has ruined the unity of the essay. If you agree with me, you should revise it (This is just my opinion).
My constant involvement with people of all kinds (What do you mean by "all kinds"? Do you mean people with different cultures, social class, thoughts, financial circumstances??? It would be better to make this part more apparent) has taught me not to expect something in return for good deeds, but to rather find satisfaction in the mere fact that I could help someone on their way to self-improvement. Last but not least, the extra-curricular activities I was a part of have helped me get closer to achievingachieve my goals.
Write the numbers under 10 in words, and capitalize the first letter of "internet".Have fun
Ahmad
