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Runners in my school - Prompt 2


Zephyr003 2 / -  
Nov 26, 2008   #1
A gunshot, stampede, and the race is off, it was a matter of time until I reached the finish of the race I take first for runners representing my school, and shatter my own personal best time. I believe I have the most powerful, bone crushing personal traits of all. A natural drive to self improve yourself, to test your physical and mental bounds, to put your qualities to the test and challenge yourself and your surroundings. To be your best and to be the best, it's the result of the combination of competition, motivation, and endurance.

I wear these strengths on my sleeve's, honing them in on academics as well as extracurricular activities. Being a top runner at my school in both sprinting and cross country has pushed me on towards a feeling of self being and self success. The idea that there is always room for improvement is a core drive in almost anything I do. No one wants to be out done in what they are trying to accomplish, and that's exactly what I believe, if I put in more input than the competition, I'll have more positive output. If there is a human flaw that my time in high school has taught me to be the most depressing state of mind, that state is apathy. Nothing could less productive and more weary, and that is an all around fault in society, us as a species are supposed to feel and supposed to be driven. Everything a human does is based off of a certain amount of motivation, and my key plan is to keep that amount at it's maximum.

To keep motivated is to find a subject to focus your motvation into and keep driven towards it. My transformation in my life occurred when I discovered this. It wasn't until senior year when I found my passion to be running, and I would never let someone easily attempt to surpass me as a sprinter again. Enduring hours of practice, and not letting pain get the best of me, I have seen immense improvement in just running, but in school work. Once I found a core focus of motivation, the rest of my life's ambitions were easy to follow. Staying motivated in one subject kept me to endure through another.

If you are going to stay motivated, you will endure, and if you are going to endure, you will be competitive, and when you want to be competitive and keep your role as top dog, you will be motivated.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 26, 2008   #2
Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, watch run-on sentences. For instance, your first sentence is a run-on. Make sure you break them up with proper punctuation or split them into independent clauses with periods and capital letters.

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing, as it is inappropriate. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "I'll" should be "I will."

Remember the difference between "its" (possession) and "it's" (contraction). Have you used the correct form in this sentence: "...keep that amount at it's maximum"?

In regards to content, I'm not sure if this is a good response to the prompt or not because you didn't include the prompt in your posting. As a standalone essay, it looks good. You are organized, your paragraphs are well structured, and your overall flow is good.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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