All right, so this is my extracurricular extension essay from the CommonApp, and any feedback you have would be very, very appreciated. Feel free to critique the daylights out of this. Especially the bothersome last line...I tell you, I've been at that for a good hour now, and I have no idea what to do with it. Anyway, here it is:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurriculars (150 words or less):
It wasn't until the summer before my junior year that I decided to sign myself up for Cross-Country. I was a late bloomer in the world of runners, and despite coming off many years of sprinting down the soccer field, I was wholly unprepared for seven mile runs and steep hills. I worked hard that year, quickly learning that the effort I put in was almost always equivalent to the quality of the outcome. The following year, I led summer workouts and put in the mileage to be in better shape. I looked on with a tinge of jealousy as the role of captain was awarded to a more experienced runner, and I vowed to work harder to be a better example for the new runners. Unbeknownst to me, the team came together in the second week of practice and convinced my coach to appoint me one of the Cross-Country captains. My coach later told me that I embodied the values necessary in a captain, and he was pleased to have me as a leader.
Also, I have a quick question: This is 176 words, and it calls for a 150 word limit. How bad is it if I leave it at 176 words? Also, are there any spots you think I can go for more brevity? Thanks bunches!
Woo Go XC!
That being said, you should most definitely cut your essay down to 150 words or less. I don't know about all schools, but I know most will stop reading after you surpass the word limit and everything after 150 words would be worthless.
I like the style of your essay but I thought the concluding sentences were a little weak
Thank you for your advice. Whomp123, I definitely agree with you about that concluding sentence. Do you have any ideas on how I should end it? I feel like it just...well, ends. It's too abrupt; it doesn't really sound like a closing line. Any thoughts?
It wasn't until the summer before my junior year that I decided to sign myself up for Cross-Country. I was a late bloomer in the world of runners, and despite coming off many years of sprinting down the soccer field (no comma necessary here) I was wholly unprepared for seven-mile runs and steep hills.
I worked hard that year, quickly learning that the effort I put in was almost always equivalent to the quality of the outcome. ---I think you can come up with a better insight to share here. We all know that effort influences outcome.
Wow, I don't think I have ever seen this word in writing! ---> Unbeknownst --Atually, isn't it supposed to be unbeknown?
My coach later told me that I embodied the values necessary in a captain, and he was pleased to have me as a leader.---If you don't like this sentence, you can replace it with anything you like. How about giving a sentence that reminds the reader how this kind of discipline will help you in your chosen field or how this experience influenced your decision about what to study.
:-)
