Hello everyone! I want to share with you all my first draft which addresses the following prompt "Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?". I want to make it clear this is my first draft, English is not that flamboyant, there are phrases still to be reviewed and many I find, I find.
I have high hopes to be accepted at Harvard, so feel free to criticize according to the occassion and content. Do you think it is appropriate? Is it too arrogant?
Uphill
"It's almost the end"- pumping my arm, moving my legs back and forth, I feel lightheaded and frail needing to catch my breath, but I am only over half the way up. I will not stop. I will keep going and going until I reach the top. These are some of the feelings I get as I run, occasionally during the jiffs when you challenge gravity for meaningful purposes like those of strenuous trainings. Marcelo and Karina, both my instructors would guide me and my adult team along the track. Committed as a family, we would support each other with all sorts of little-sense conversations so as to grab the attention out of any tempting drawback. Soon, nonetheless, we would find ourselves way back to our refuge for a refreshing, but mainly, rewarding glass of water.
No adolescent would probably find running appealing, but I never stuck to the flow of what the bulk of the young population does. I decided to enlist for a full year of training before graduating from secondary school. To tell the truth, I never suspected I would wrap up running in one the greatest sport events of Latin America as it is the Buenos Aires 42-Kilometer Marathon; my humble intention was to keep fit and healthy. But soon I found myself pushing me even further. Thanks to the uninterrupted foment of two great friends as they were Karina and Marcelo and my heavenly companion who granted me with physical and mental wellness, I was left with no excuses that could prevent me from finally signing up for my very first marathon... "Buenos Aires 42K".
42 Kilometers!?- No one I told about could ever manage to contend the astonishment, and honestly, you never want them to do. It was an 8-month period of non-stop preaching, with sporadic interludes of anecdotes during family dinner. During those months I would run fiercely during hours, over and over achieving 30k and even 40k closer to the date of the event. Tenacious, well-built, well-made, and soon I found myself stronger, ready to devour any race regardless of distance. I was comfortable and self-assure about my performance and the fact that I would complete the marathon in record time. To my great sorrow, my omnipotent condition was just being ephemeral.
The big day had arrived. Matted by a thousand people, my team and I stood around ready to launch. Over 12.000 marathoners all told; and from the agglomeration I would recognize Marcelo reminding me -Don't get anxious. Go at your own pace-. Funny of him to hear that since we agreed that the last of us would have to pay for our team lunch. The shot was fired and so we all heard. -I wish everyone all the best- I promptly disappeared. Notwithstanding, my wild me rapidly fell in the trap. Going too fast at first, then a bit tired and finally exhausted at midway I had to stop. My high hopes of making it the way I expected came crashing to the ground. When I finally could manage to get to the finishing line, there they were all my family. They were euphoric and happy but I knew I did not do the way I was expecting. Soon Karina would receive me with profound pride to give me the honorific medal. And Marcelo would congratulate me afterwards. All in a sudden my frustration would turn into tears of gratitude. There was behind me, the most dangerous sport anyone could face, I here I am, sane because of God's will. If only there was anything I could brag about now is the wonderful experience and people that surrounded me.
Also I can say is that I really understood that these are moment to be enjoyed. Running is not a competition against the other but a self-one, always beating your old you. It took me 8 months to understand but soon I would accomplish what I aimed at. 10k Mar del Plata, the sun, the waves and myself running. 50 minutes to complete the track. There I was, beating my old self, enjoying the moment.
I appreciate any comment and feedback. THANK YOU!
I'm kind of unclear on what your failure was and what you gained from it. I like the ending, about how running is not a competition against others but against yourself, but I think you should spend more of the essay talking about that one 42K race and less about your history with running. I think you can say all of that very briefly and then talk about the race and the failure.
Like what the above poster had said, I think that it's better for you to focus on the 42 k race than just simply mentioning it. Start off from the failure immediately so that it's not too confusing.
Rather than giving too much details about what happened, talk about what you feel. Do not describe the situation, go deeper into describing your emotions. Avoid talking to much about other people too since this essay is supposed to be about you.
Grammar should definitely be worked. It's okay to use simple words and vocab because sometimes it helps with being straightforward and personal. All in all, it needs improvement. Btw, good luck!
Matted by a thousand people, my team and I stood around ready to launch.
In the crowds of thousands of people, I stood with my team and ready to launch.Over 12.000 marathoners all told; and from the agglomeration I would recognize Marcelo reminding me -Don't get anxious. Go at your own pace-. Funny of him to hear that since we agreed that the last of us would have to pay for our team lunch.
This does not flow well.... I feel you better rephrase that part.
There was behind me, the most dangerous sport anyone could face, I here I am,
.... This is too very confusing to me
Running is not a competition against the other but a self-one, always beating your old you.
Running is not about defeating your competitors, but about winning our own self by defeating our fears away.