Hi, could I get an honest review of my undersgraduate admissions essay for Rutgers?
Coherence of thought, proffreading, flow of the essay, etc.
Brutal criticism welcome.
Prompt:Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences
As a student at Rutgers, I would be able to benefit from all the academic and cultural opportunities it has to offer, as Rutgers would from mine. I'm talented in many areas, both academically and extracurricular, but for certain subjects and activities I have a passion that I would love to see nurtured in Rutgers' diverse community.
In academics, I've always been talented with subjects that are more logical or involve more reasoning. This has led me to particularly enjoy physics and math, which are fundamental to understanding how our world functions and to making new and important discoveries. To fuel my passion, I've studied rigorously, advancing beyond the high school level and entering in state-wide competitions that gauged my progress. And in the end, it is always nice to see that your efforts yield results. I've always stayed at the top of my graduating class in physics and math, qualified for the American Invitational Mathematics Exam, and ranked second place in the Physics I division of the New Jersey State Science League. I would bring my talents and my dedication to Rutgers with the hope of reaching new heights by participating in scientific research, meeting Rutgers' amazing professors, and most importantly, finding those who share the same interests I do.
Of course, my interest in these subjects is not the summary of my 17 years of existence. I've participated in JV Cross-Country and Outdoor Track, volunteered at my local hospital, taught a computer course to middle school students, but most importantly, I took up playing the cello. I picked up the instrument in when I was eight after deciding that the piano was not a good fit for me, and I've stuck with it since. It was never the easiest instrument to play, but after years of practice, most of the technical difficulties faded away, and the beauty of interpretation and expression became my focus. After that, the cello's rich tones and undulating melodies literally became available at my fingertips. Because I was the only cellist in my school and there was no school orchestra my first year of high school, I had to seek out other orchestras. Some of them were more inviting, like NJ State Youth Orchestra or NJ Chamber Youth Orchestra, but for some I needed to practice rigorously to prepare for their auditions. The two most notable ones were the NJ Regional Orchestra, and the NJ All-State Orchestra, whose extraordinary performances were made possible only by its incredible members. This is the type of opportunity that I would search for at Rutgers-an opportunity where my voice could join others to produce a spectacular harmony.
After years of growth and experience, I know that I have much to give and much to learn, and that Rutgers can help me pursue those goals. The sum of my talents, experiences, and my dreams make me the person I am today. There are new and exciting opportunities and people waiting at Rutgers, and next fall, I hope to call that place home.
Thanks!
As a student at Rutgers, I would be able to benefit from all the academic and cultural opportunities it has to offer, as Rutgers would from mine. I'm talented in many areas, both academically and extracurricular, but for certain subjects and activities I have a passion that I would love to see nurtured in Rutgers' diverse community.
In academics, I've always been talented with subjects that are more logical or involve more reasoning. This has led me to particularly enjoy physics and math, which are fundamental to understanding how our world functions and to making new and important discoveries. To fuel my passion, I've studied rigorously, advancing beyond the high school level and entering in state-wide competitions that gauged my progress. And in the end, it is always nice to see that your efforts yield results. I've always stayed at the top of my graduating class in physics and math, qualified for the American Invitational Mathematics Exam, and ranked second place in the Physics I division of the New Jersey State Science League. I would bring my talents and my dedication to Rutgers with the hope of reaching new heights by participating in scientific research, meeting Rutgers' amazing professors, and most importantly, finding those who share the same interests I do.
Of course, my interest in these subjects is not the summary of my 17 years of existence. I've participated in JV Cross-Country and Outdoor Track, volunteered at my local hospital, taught a computer course to middle school students, but most importantly, I took up playing the cello. I picked up the instrument in when I was eight after deciding that the piano was not a good fit for me, and I've stuck with it since. It was never the easiest instrument to play, but after years of practice, most of the technical difficulties faded away, and the beauty of interpretation and expression became my focus. After that, the cello's rich tones and undulating melodies literally became available at my fingertips. Because I was the only cellist in my school and there was no school orchestra my first year of high school, I had to seek out other orchestras. Some of them were more inviting, like NJ State Youth Orchestra or NJ Chamber Youth Orchestra, but for some I needed to practice rigorously to prepare for their auditions. The two most notable ones were the NJ Regional Orchestra, and the NJ All-State Orchestra, whose extraordinary performances were made possible only by its incredible members. This is the type of opportunity that I would search for at Rutgers-an opportunity where my voice could join others to produce a spectacular harmony.
After years of growth and experience, I know that I have much to give and much to learn, and that Rutgers can help me pursue those goals. The sum of my talents, experiences, and my dreams make me the person I am today. There are new and exciting opportunities and people waiting at Rutgers, and next fall, I hope to call that place home.
revise the sentence in red, its a bit confusing too read. overall I'd say its pretty good and addresses the prompt well
I think you should write seventeen instead of 17.
In academics, I've always been talented with subjects that are more logical or involve more concrete reasoning.
Very good stuff here. Not the first paragraph, though, it is sort of weak because of being so general. I think you should grab the attention at the start with a short, thoughtful sentence. go back and try to capture the main theme of the essay in that first paragraph -- in a fascinating way.
