Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people - with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences:
When I was younger, I wondered why my father's family and my mother's family always sat separately in gatherings that involved me. It wasn't until my eighth birthday party, that I realized why. I noticed that the party room was perfectly divided to two sides with two different tables, one for my father's Cuban family, and one for my mother's Russian family. It was then that I realized that I am the embodiment of two very separate and distinct families struggling to coexist in harmony. I suddenly felt a strong urge to find a way bring them together.
I sought solutions in high school as I observed how different clicks of students moved in very independent circles. I was a nerd with my nerd friends. There were the jocks that hung out with the cheerleaders. There were the Russian students, the Hispanics, the African Americans. At times it seemed hopeless.
Then I started my own business by joining a fast-growing social network marketing company. Vemma has a breakthrough product recommended by Dr. Oz called Verve, a healthy energy drink built from a liquid vitamin and antioxidant based upon the "queen of fruit", Mangosteen going viral in California. I was recruited by a fast growing NYC team filled with Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, Indians and many nationalities all working together to achieve financial success. I travel around the city and engage many unique individuals and educate them about the product and financial opportunity. One of my mentors is Vivian, a gay Chinese American. She is a prime example of the kind of diversity and interesting combinations New York has to offer. After meeting her and other mentors from all walks of life, I've seen how much there is to learn in this world.
When I visited Rutgers, I noticed how New Brunswick is like New York City except more concentrated in a smaller area. I know that by attending Rutgers, I will be able to further extend my knowledge of people, lifestyles, and cultures without the worries of traveling for hours in a metro system. Furthermore, I can impact the students at Rutgers with the knowledge I have gained from the people I have met in New York City. I will promote tolerance and help harmonize the diversity that Rutgers has to offer by utilizing my skills I have gained through my time as an entrepreneur. Rutgers will be an asset to my life just as I will be an asset to the campus life of Rutgers.
"divided to two sides with two different table" divided into
"I suddenly felt a strong urge to find a way bring them together" to bring them together
Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, Indians and many nationalities " and many other nationalities
"Then I started my own business by joining a fast-growing social network marketing company. Vemma has a breakthrough product recommended by Dr. Oz called Verve, a healthy energy drink built from a liquid vitamin and antioxidant based upon the "queen of fruit", Mangosteen going viral in California. I was recruited by a fast growing NYC team filled with Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, Indians and many nationalities all working together to achieve financial success."
This whole part above is slightly unclear to me for you are talking about being an 'entrepreneur' and also about being recruited. I would advise you to talk about your business and bring more clarity here.
Also, there doesn't seem to be much connect between the family story and your learning. You start talking about your experiences and end there. Talk what did you learnt, how common goals can bring together people from different backgrounds. You do give this hint, but not explicitly. It will be great if you could juice out your insights beyond your encounters and experiences with different people.
The essay is good but it can become great therefore push your limits a little more!
I will be happy if you could review my essays too.
Thanks and I hope my review helped!
Hi,
Very interesting. I think in order to make this essay stronger, maybe you could attack it by asking the question, "Why are these different racial groups separated during social activities, but can come together for financial success?" Maybe you can use this as a starting ground for your research interests and then explain how the NYC microcosm and resources that exists at Rutgers will allow you to really delve deeper into this and find some answers. -Admissions Advice Online
